Chapter 31 #2
My gut twists at the realization that the hollow in my chest means I might lose her anyway.
I should run after her and catch her before she slips into a cab.
Even go with her to the hospital. But I don’t move, giving her time to get away, not because of what I said, though I’m already drowning in regret.
I don’t go because she needs to do this on her own.
She needs to be the one not only to fight for us but, more importantly, for herself.
We can’t be together with this hanging around in the background, looking to attack us when we let our guard down.
In the long term, we’ll never be free until she finds that peace that any kid would want with their parents and living on her own terms again.
Although too brief, a weight had lifted since we left that pub together. I could see it in how she started moving through life with less tension in her shoulders, even daring to dream and talk about the future like she used to do. I finally got my muse. I don’t want to lose her again.
“Fuck,” I sigh, unsure what I’m supposed to do next. The urge to fix this is stronger than the logic of her doing what needs to be done to fix herself. Doesn’t make it easier. I swear it makes it worse, even if it is the right thing to do.
Walking out of her apartment, I latch the lock on the inside and shut the door to secure it because this is the place where my soul will exist. It just won’t exist as a part of me any longer. I’m really starting to wonder if we’re cursed.
My phone vibrates in my pocket when I land back out in front of the building. A spot of good news would have been welcome at any other point in the day before my girlfriend ran back to a life that excludes me. But sure, I’ll go identify the culprits who attacked me. The fuckers.
I head to the police precinct, where it takes less than twenty minutes to point them out and sign the prepared statement. I collect my stolen wallet, which is missing all the money and the credit cards, but they were kind enough to leave my old NYU ID and my New York City library card.
I take the two cards out and toss the wallet into the trash on my way out.
The detour was a temporary distraction from the situation with Sosie and the fears I have if she’s not given a choice to return.
I catch a cab and head home, hoping to see her belongings still around the apartment—her makeup bag open with products spilling across the counter and her seven hair products littering the ledge of the shower.
But it’s Winifred the Wallaby I hope to see still napping in the middle of the bed.
As long as she’s there, I know Sosie will return. If not for me, for her.
Rushing inside, I go straight to the bedroom to find her stuffed animal taking up space like she still lives here. If I can’t have her, I’ll take the wallaby. Who knew a stuffed wallaby would provide me with the relief I needed most right now? Second to Sosie, of course.
I make a cup of coffee, predicting a long night ahead, and pull out my laptop to work in the living room. I’ll do anything to keep my mind from running wild with the fuckery she’s facing on her own. Should I have gone?
She’d hate that. Not because of me, but it would make her feel bad. She’s stronger than she knows. I know that. I just hope she remembers.
When I look up, the sun has set, and darkness rolls in like a fog around me. My eyes don’t adjust quick enough after staring at the glowing screen for the past few hours. I caught up on some emails, but when I blink and rub my eyes, the burn only reminds me of other aching body parts.
I tap the phone next to me only to find it blank of texts or calls. Catching the time, I’m heading into three hours since I came home to an apartment without her or word of her return. Is she alright? Fuck.
I close the laptop and walk to the window to stare in the direction of the nearest hospital.
I know her father won’t be taken there, but it does have me thinking.
I overreacted. Like she said, it was an emergency, not some ploy to steal her back.
Right? Her absence is felt along with concerns still raising my hackles.
I walk down the hall, needing to keep my body moving, then turn around and walk in the other direction to repeat the pattern. It’s not until I see the little tree on the nightstand that it finally makes sense to me.
It’s not them or me. I know she’ll choose me.
But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to find peace with her parents and put that part of her life to bed.
I could have just supported her instead of opening my mouth and letting my fear drain out.
Feeling shittier now than before won’t fix this. I have to do the work, too.
But how?
I eye the stuffed animal as an idea takes form.
Going into the closet, I grab her carry-on from the shelf and prop it open on the bed.
I dig through the clothes hanging in the closet and grab a top and a pair of jeans.
I have no idea what underwear she would choose for this kind of outfit, but I’m not going to overthink this.
Let’s hope none of these clothes are needed, and she comes back to me.
But if she does get stuck, I want her to have some clean clothes and tell her what I should have said the first time before she left.
After writing a note and sticking it inside, along with a few of her bathroom toiletries, I close it, but something across the room catches my eye, and I get it.
I turn it over in my hands because it meant everything to me at one time.
She means more. I tuck it inside the suitcase and latch it tight.
Downstairs, I catch a cab, and since there’s only one hospital where the Stansburys would go, that’s where I head.
With my phone resting on my leg so I don’t miss a text from her, I stare out the window thinking about how an emergency has triggered all this.
It only took Sosie seconds to feel the need to visit, her heart way more open than mine.
If they hurt it, I’ll take matters into my own hands.
No lessons need to be learned. She knows who they are and how they operate. So why go? The one piece I didn’t put together before. Closure.
And here I was, warning her because of my own insecurities about losing her again. I’m not losing her, though. I know that. What we share is too strong to be deterred by threats anymore. We’ll fight against anything thrown our way. Together. Sosie knows that.
I just wish I had realized it earlier. She didn’t go for her father. She went for herself. I drop my head forward as the shame of my wrong assumptions might have fucked things up. It did for her, and I let her walk out feeling that way. Who’s the asshole now? I am.
I get out of the cab and look up at the sign for the visitor’s entrance. Holding the handle to her carry-on, I’m about to go in when someone calls, “What are you doing here?”
“I should have known,” I grumble under my breath. I glare at Gregory with no patience for his shit. “I should ask you the same.”
Carrying a tray of coffees, he stops just out of reach of me.
Probably wise if he’s going to get mouthy.
“I’m a friend of the family,” he spits like he’s some tough guy when he’s just a prick whose family has bought his way into the little respect he’s given.
“You’re . . .” He looks up and down without shame in the weak act of sizing me up.
I’m not the least bit intimidated by this jackass, but it bothers me that he’s here like he’s part of the family. “Nothing to the Stansbury family.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Am I really stooping to his level?
Yep. I’ll go to the gutter with this one-upping fuck.
“I got Sosie when you never had her.” My gaze hits the name on one of the cups.
Sosie is scribbled in black marker. It’s been hours at most with her, and he’s already back in the fold and getting her coffee like the old days?
“We’ll see how this plays out.”
“No, we won’t. You won’t, especially. I don’t have to force her to pick me. I don’t have to lay threats at her feet. You do. Her father does. Me? I don’t. We’ll always find our way back together. You can fight fate, but you can’t fight destiny.”
“I don’t believe in that woo-woo soulmate shit.”
“We do, so you don’t need to because she’ll never choose you, Greg.” I walk toward the sliding glass doors of the hospital, then stop and turn back. “I’m heading that way. You want me to take that coffee to her?”
He walks to the nearest trash can and dumps the entire tray in it. Such a spoiled fucking baby.
A guard stands at the entrance but doesn’t look up from his phone.
The walls are bleak in beige that’s aged over time, and the railings are stained from all the hands that have held it.
A TV blares, so I turn to see a room full of people waiting under a small screen airing Jeopardy, and my life standing before me.
“Keats?” Sosie comes closer as if I might not be real.
Each of her tentative steps is too slow, so I set the small suitcase down and close the gap.
Wrapping my arms around her and kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”
When her arms come around me, and she sinks against my chest, she whispers, “Me, too.”
“No. You don’t have to be sorry for anything. I would have done the same.”
“I’m not sorry for coming to the hospital.
” She steps back, looking up at me. “I’m sorry for saying you use words as weapons when I realize now you use them as a protective shield.
We all have our pasts to deal with. You overcame difficult circumstances, which is amazing.
I’m trying to do the same, just not the same as how you handled it. ”
“I had no one who cared.”
“I’ve lived under a microscope.” Reaching forward, she tugs me closer by the front of my coat. “You’re not losing me. Not again. Not ever. But I do have to see this through. It might be my only chance.”
“Now I understand.” I lean down to kiss her, and she meets me halfway. “I brought you some supplies just in case you end up staying overnight. I can bring anything else you need.”
“No, this is more than I need.” Slipping her hand in mine, she says, “Thank you, but keep my side of the bed warm, okay?”
“Winifred is already doing the job.”
She laughs, and seeing her smile gives me the peace I needed. I just hope she finds what will give her the same peace. And if she doesn’t, I’ll be there to give her what she’s missing. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He’s my least favorite subject, but I still ask, “How’s your dad?”
A pop of her shoulders leads to her looking down the corridor and back at me again. “No news so far.”
“He’ll be okay.” When I see her looking at me like I did something special, I give her hand a squeeze, and add, “I should go.”
She’ll devastate my heart if I’m not careful. One day, she’ll realize she’s way out of my league. I’ll do everything I can to make up for it. Brushing her fingers over my cheek, she says, “I love you, Poet.”
“I love you with everything I am.”
Her smile brightens the dull space and my heart along with it. But this is her battle, and she’ll fight it like the warrior she is.
As for me, I walk out of the hospital and pull my phone from my pocket.
It only takes me searching three letters to pull up the contact I’m looking for.
Maybe this is something I should have taken care of long ago, but life and work got in the way.
I also pushed it to the back as something to deal with another day.
Sosie has inspired me in more ways than she realizes. I press call, and when the other party answers, I say, “Hi, Mom.”