Chapter 8
ELLIE
Jake
Just so you’re prepared, the flat is a mess. Every time I tidy something away he pulls out something else. I didn’t realise one tiny kid could cause so much chaos.
Ellie
You were a kid once. You don’t remember?
Jake
What do you mean? I was an angel in child form.
Ellie
Do you lie to your mother with that mouth too?
Jake
All the time.
Ellie
“Did you have fun with Jake today?” I asked as Noah dipped a chicken nugget into a dollop of tomato ketchup, smeared it across his plate and his mouth too.
He nodded and chewed, as much of an answer as I would get while he wiggled in his chair. He was a happy wiggler, distracted whenever we ate his favourite food, but it also meant it was hard to get an answer sometimes.
“Noah introduced me to Bluey,” Jake jumped in, stabbing a floret of broccoli with his fork. “I liked it more than I thought I would.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“We also did some reading, and puzzles, and I’m sorry to say we had more than an hour of screen time. Actually, I’m not sorry at all.”
A quiet laugh escaped me. That wasn’t surprising. “It’s okay. It happens. I’ve been guilty of letting him use the tablet more than he should, but if it keeps him quiet while we’re, I don’t know, having lunch out somewhere, then I’m gonna do it. I don’t care.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” he said through a yawn, rushing to shield his mouth. “Damn, sorry. You’re not boring me, I swear.”
“It’s okay.” The truth, strangely enough.
Typically, I’d internalise that yawn, view it as a sign of ‘oh my god, I’m so boring he can barely keep awake’, but not today.
The Jake sitting across the table was not the same one I left this morning.
“I recognise the signs of someone who has been run ragged all day.”
Jake balked at that. “I mean, I wouldn’t say ragged, per se.”
“Oh?”
“More like put through—”
“The wringer?”
“Ha. I was thinking more my paces. Yeah. That’s it. He put me through my paces.”
I bit back a smile and refocused on slicing the food on my plate, fully aware he was full of shit.
The flat had been filled with music when I arrived home, an unusual but pleasant change from the still and quiet of Maggie’s presence, and I’d watched in silent amusement as they danced and twirled until Noah caught sight of me and ran into my arms.
Jake had sagged in relief, flopping onto the sofa like thank fuck you’re home, and I knew it hadn’t been the easiest of days.
As expected, every surface was covered in toys and books, colouring pens uncapped and scattered, containers upturned and emptied. A mess, but I was used to it and didn’t mind.
Noah had been buzzing though, more animated than I’d seen in a while, chatting non-stop, and pulling Jake by the sleeve of his hoodie trying to get him to dance.
“Again, Jake! Again. Again. Again!”
Eventually, he’d succeeded, and Jake instructed Noah on the chicken dance while I excused myself to make dinner, grinning wider with every laugh and childish giggle.
The happy sounds felt right in a way sounds never had before, filling me with joy and relief, and maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Maybe this could work.
After dinner, Jake insisted on washing up while I put Noah to bed. He conked out after three pages of Room on the Broom, so I took my time showering, then changed into pink striped pyjamas and fluffy socks.
After some hesitation, I threw on an oversized sweatshirt too, one that fell to my knees—although at five-foot-three most things did—a smidge self-conscious at the thought of Jake seeing me unclothed.
Well, as unclothed as he ever would.
It was too early to go to bed, and I was still wired from work, so I padded into the living room before I lost courage and changed my mind.
Stretched out on the sofa, one arm bent behind his head, Jake yawned and flicked idly through the TV. He’d also changed into a navy tracksuit and white sports socks, and I was pleased he’d made himself comfortable, even if I felt anything but.
He sat up with a smile the moment he noticed me, then did a double-take for some reason.
“What’s wrong?” I shifted, unsettled by the weight of his stare.
“Why do you assume something’s wrong?”
“I… I don’t know? It’s my brain’s default, I guess.”
“Well, nothing’s wrong. I’ve never seen you with your hair down before. It took me by surprise.”
“Oh.”
I rarely wore my hair loose, for no other reason than I had a lot of it.
It wasn’t curly or straight, caught in that frizzy, untameable middle place, and it was nothing but a nuisance when working, or when you had a grabby-handed toddler.
There was no better feeling than letting it fall free at the end of the day though.
“It looks nice,” Jake added. “You should wear it like that more often. If you wanted to.”
Compliments were never easy to accept, and the urge to deny or hand-wave them away was almost overpowering. “Thank you.”
Hovering, I slid a chunk of hair behind one ear, unsure what to do next. For most of my life, home was a sanctuary, my only escape when people were cruel, and the outside world was too much, and so living with another person, even temporarily, was uncharted territory.
It didn’t help when that person was Jake, a handsome wildcard of a man I was very much attracted to, and who definitely did not feel the same.
What do I do now?
“Is there something you want to watch on TV?” Jake asked, disturbing my overthinking.
Thank god.
“Not specifically. Sometimes I switch it on for background noise while I wind down before bed. Mostly, I read or do a puzzle, or doom scroll on my phone. But I don’t want to intrude.”
“Ellie, this is your home.”
“I know, but the sofa bed is where you’ll be sleeping so this is technically your bedroom for the time being. Everyone deserves some privacy.”
Jake slapped the cushion beside him. “Get your ass over here. Sit down and relax and do whatever it is you usually do. Pretend I’m not here.”
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I muttered, “but okay.”
I grabbed my nightly indulgence from the kitchen first—a share-size bar of milk chocolate—then curled up on the opposite end of the sofa, draping the blanket over my lap.
Jake tossed me the remote, and I snapped a row of chocolate squares off the bar and offered him some across the space between us.
“Thanks.” His soft smile made my heart flip, and he held up his row of chocolate to clink against mine as if making a toast. “Cheers.”
“Cheers.”
We munched in silence, catching each other’s gaze and grinning at the sound of our chomping, and slowly all that earlier discomfort began to fade.
“Have you heard anything about Maggie today?” Jake wondered, and I was touched that he’d thought to ask.
“Only that they already had her up and out of bed, which seems crazy to me. She was not impressed.”
“I remember they got my dad up a couple of hours after his surgery, once the anaesthesia wore off. The sooner they start moving, the better apparently.”
“I’m just glad she’s okay. I was so worried yesterday.”
“You were shaking, Ellie. I haven’t forgotten that.”
“I know.” I toyed with the blanket, unable to look at him.
Practice makes perfect. That was what Maggie had said, that if I wanted conversation and sharing to be easy, I had to actually do it first; make it a learned habit so that it became second-nature. My pulse raced because, apparently, the time to practice was now.
“My mum slipped on some icy steps outside her work and hit her head. She died later that day. When Maggie fell over I had this terrible feeling it was happening all over again. That’s…” I paused to swallow the thickened fear of it.
“That’s why you were shaking,” Jake finished quietly, not needing a response. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I wished you’d told me yesterday. I could’ve, I don’t know, comforted you somehow.”
“You did. You helped with Noah and you took my mind off things. You didn’t give me the chance to dwell on it, and believe me. I’m very good at that usually. I’m a pro dweller. I think I could make it my career sometimes.”
Jake chuckled. “I’m glad you told me.”
“Well, I figured, if I can’t confide in my roommate, who can I?”
“Damn. Roommates.” He turned his whole body towards me, propping his elbow on the top of the cushion headrest and one cheek on his fist. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we?”
“Seems so.”
Our smiles matched as the reality of our situation sunk in. It was head-spinning to think about really. Friends one moment, roommates the next. The Ellie of two days ago would not have believed it.
“Now it’s your turn to talk.” Jake tossed me a confused look, so I added, “How was today really? Be honest.”
He inhaled like he was about to unleash an endless tirade. “Eye opening,” he said on a breathy release.
“That bad, huh?”
“Not bad, but definitely more than expected. Consider it karmic retribution for me being an arrogant asshole and saying how hard could it be, because damn. I had no idea.”
“You’re not alone. I still have days where I’m like oh my god, what do I do?”
“I even called my mother for advice. That’s gonna come back to haunt me at some point, I’m sure.”
“Did she at least help?”
“Kind of? She suggested the park, which he loved, but…” Jake fidgeted and swiped his palm down his thigh. “I wasn’t sure whether to tell you this, but I lost him for a bit. It was only a minute, but I’m so sorry.”
Fear iced my veins, even though Noah was tucked up in bed totally fine.
“Was he with the ducks?”
Jake reared back. “How did you guess?”
“Because he’s done it to me too. One minute he was on the slide and the next he was gone.
I swear I only looked away for a second.
Lucky for me, another parent had seen him run off.
I dread to think otherwise. It’s happened in the supermarket, and with Maggie.
No matter what I say, he’s determined to keep me on my toes, I guess. ”
“So it wasn’t just me then?”
“No, god no.”
“Thank fuck.” His head rolled back. “It aged me though. I swear my life flashed before my eyes. My Apple Watch thought I was doing exercise because my heart rate was so high.”
I let out a quiet chuckle, even though the situation wasn’t that funny, especially not when you’re living it. “I know that feeling.”
“Trust me, I will be on my best behaviour from here on out. I want to do right by you.”
Something swooped and fluttered in my chest at the genuine sincerity deepening his voice and expression.
“That’s sweet, but it’s only the first day. There was bound to be a few hiccups, and not to scare you or anything, but there’s bound to be a few more. No day is the same and no day will ever be perfect. I don’t expect that of you.”
“I appreciate that. Does this mean you’re not regretting your decision to have me here?”
“Ask me next week,” I joked. “What about you? Are you regretting your decision to be here?”
Jake gave me a nudge, grinning all the while. “Ask me next week.”