Chapter 14
ELLIE
A wrenching sensation deep in my lower belly woke me slowly then all at once.
I rolled onto my stomach, shoved my face into the cold spare pillow, and groaned. I’d dealt with irregular periods for years now, but some months I had zero warning until the day it arrived.
Then there were the months my period made me so horny I couldn’t start the day without getting myself off first. I did have a vibrator sold as extra quiet, but I couldn’t take the risk. It was bad enough Jake had seen my entire collection. I didn’t want to think about him hearing me use them too.
Pain speared through me again; a stabby reminder today was gonna be rough.
I checked the bedside clock, relieved at the numbers glowing red.
History said I’d regret not getting up to eat and take painkillers before things worsened, but it was so early I couldn’t find the energy to move.
Waking before my alarm always felt like such a gift, and with a child those gifts were meant to be cherished.
Two minutes later, Noah burst into my room.
Famous last words.
“Wakey-wakey,” he sang in a very Jake-esque tone, diving onto my bed. “Rise and shine!”
I burrowed into the pillow, body shaking as he jumped on my mattress like his own personal trampoline.
“Sorry,” Jake said from the doorway, sounding amused. Now that it was slightly warmer, he wore nothing but a pair of navy joggers, and I stifled another groan at the sight of his bare chest and feet.
Apparently, I found bare feet attractive now?
Then he made the whole thing worse by grabbing the door frame above his head, which did unbelievably good things to the muscles in his arms, and stretched the solid flesh down his flank. His joggers slipped lower, baring the dark dusting of hair disappearing underneath the waistband.
Period pain was enough torture for one day, but now I had to deal with that?
“I tried to stop him but he couldn’t wait to see you, and he’s a slippery little thing,” Jake carried on, oblivious to my ogling. “Fast, too.”
“Fast like The Flash!” Noah yelled.
“And what do you know about The Flash?”
“He’s fast.”
Jake chuckled. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”
“You did, but it’s easily done with this one.
” I mustered the energy to pull Noah against me, smothered him with kisses and tickles, and grinned at his giggles.
There was no better sound, especially on days when I felt less than one hundred per cent, and today was a solid sixty-five.
“You’re awake early. Did you have good dreams? ”
He nodded, all bright-eyed, brimming with energy. “I dreamed about a flying elephant.”
“Like Dumbo?”
“No! This one had wings not big ears. You can’t fly with ears.”
“Oh, my mistake.”
“Can we have pancakes?” Noah dismissed my grave misunderstanding quickly. “Jake, can we have pancakes?”
“Why are you asking me?” Jake watched us with a look that could only be deemed fond amusement. “It’s up to your mum.”
“Can we?”
We usually had cereal or toast, and maybe some fruit when I had time to remember, but Jake was all about breakfasts, and I couldn’t get Noah to consider a bowl of Rice Krispies since he’d enjoyed the delights of poached egg, bacon, pancakes or French toast and blueberries, especially when arranged into a smiley face.
It’s not like I blamed him. I didn’t want Rice Krispies either.
“Okay.” I sighed like it was a true hardship giving in. “Whoever loses Rock Paper Scissors has to make them.”
“Usually I’m more than happy to let someone else cook,” Jake said, “but pancakes are my thing.”
“Oh good, because I really didn’t want to make them.”
“You hid that well.”
“I thought so.” I lifted my chin, trying to appear nonchalant, but the sight of his smile pulled my own to the surface until we grinned at each other in the near-dark.
Jake tore his gaze away first. “Right. I’m gonna need someone to help me.”
Predictably, Noah screamed, “Oh, me!”
“Hmm. I don’t know. You’re young for a sous chef. What are your qualifications?”
“I dunno, but I’m hungry.” He scrambled off the bed. “Let’s go.”
“So impatient today.”
“What’s that mean?”
I smiled at Jake’s explanation and Noah’s loud refusal that he was such a thing, then burrowed into my bed for five more minutes.
Rest was hard to come by when my uterus was clamped in a vice, and the threat of bleeding on my sheets imminent, so it wasn’t long before I dragged myself out of bed.
By the time I’d cleaned up, Jake had thrown on a t-shirt and was pouring a ladle-full of pancake batter into a pan; Noah on a collapsible step beside him riveted by the whole process.
“What do we do now?” he asked, bouncing with excitement while I nibbled on a freshly-cut strawberry from the ingredients scattered across the chopping board.
“Now we have to let this side cook for a bit,” Jake explained. “You’ll know it’s done when you lift it slightly with the spatula and the underside isn’t all gloopy anymore.”
“Gloopy,” I laughed. “Is that the technical term?”
“You’d have to ask my brothers. But gloopy sounds right to me.”
“I still can’t believe you have two chefs in the family. You never wanted to follow in their footsteps and make it three?”
“God no. I love food, but not that much. Plus the hours are crazy. Years ago, back when my photography wasn’t paying the bills, Leo got me a job where he used to work, and I managed a week before I called it quits.
Life’s too short to be that miserable, and it was fucking awful.
” He winced, peering down at Noah by his side. “Shit. Sorry.”
“It happens.” Trying not to swear around kids was impossible sometimes, especially when frustration got the better of you. “One time I swore after he dropped a carton of eggs in the supermarket, and he repeated it loudly down every aisle. Caused a real scandal at the till. That was a fun time.”
Jake spared me a grin over his shoulder. “You know, when I first saw the monthly planner, I thought you were this super anal parent, but you’re pretty laid back as things go.”
“Thank you? I think.”
“Thank you is right. It’s a compliment.”
“Well, I don’t feel laid back most days. I worry a lot. Like, a lot.”
“Yeah, but all parents worry. Mine are nearly seventy and they still worry. It’s annoying, but normal.”
“I don’t relish fifty plus years of this feeling to be honest.”
“It’ll get easier.”
I wanted to bottle up his certainty somehow, steal some for myself. I lived too much of my life unsure about so many things.
“It’s just he’s brand new and shiny,” Jake added.
I chuckled, giving my son a squeeze. “Are you brand new and shiny, baby?”
Noah pushed me away, too preoccupied by pancakes to reply.
After breakfast, I helped Noah get washed and dressed while Jake tidied the kitchen. When it was Jake’s turn to use the bathroom, Noah coloured at the dining table and, miraculously, I had time to make myself a packed lunch.
Usually, mornings were spent rushing to get ready for work and wrangle a headstrong four-year-old into clothes and eating breakfast, and often I didn’t have time for myself.
Maggie was invaluable, but I was also painfully aware of taking advantage so I tried to do most things alone.
And that was fine. That’s how it had to be.
But Jake’s help was a glaring reminder how stressed and lonely I felt most days. I’d ignored it because I had no choice, but having someone else around in these chaotic moments was something I hadn’t realised I needed. Or maybe I didn’t need it per se, but I sure wanted it.
Time to think and breathe was a temporary gift, and I was determined to treasure it while I had the chance.
Jake waltzed into the kitchen in a dreamy cloud of cologne, his hair still damp, and looking like an absolute snack in jeans and a dark green hoodie unzipped enough to hint at the muscles underneath.
He took one look at the knife poised over my sandwich and elbow-nudged me aside. “No, no, no. Stop. Give me the knife. Sandwiches taste better when they’re cut diagonally.”
“What,” I laughed, then realised he was serious. “How does that work?”
“It’s the way it is. They’ve done studies on this. There’s even a mathematical formula to prove it.”
“You’re pulling my leg now.”
“Google it. I don’t joke when it comes to sandwiches, Ellie. I don’t joke about food ever.”
“So you’re telling me if I were to make two sandwiches exactly the same, cut one vertically and one diagonally, you’d be able to taste-test which one was which?”
“Yes. It’s the aesthetic of it all. I can’t explain it.”
“Noah had a meltdown once when I didn’t cut his sandwich into four triangles. Is this why?”
“Ellie.” True horror flared in his eyes. “I’d disown you for that.”
A laugh rushed out of me at the ridiculousness of this entire conversation. “I can’t believe this is a thing.”
“Believe it. Anyway.” He glanced at his watch. “Noah, it’s time for nursery. Race you!”
“What just happened?” I wondered out loud as the pair of them rushed to the front door.
“Bye, Mummy,” Noah called.
“Uh, bye, baby. Love you.”
There was a brief pause, presumably while they put on their shoes.
“Come on, Jake. I’m ready.”
“Alright, alright. Anyone ever told you how bossy you are?”
“No.”
“Well, you are. For such a little thing. Look at you. I could put you in my pocket.”
“I’m too big for pockets!”
“Not mine. Look. That’s how small you are.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are.”
Noah shrieked, and I ducked my head around the doorway to watch them leave. Jake dangled Noah upside down, making him wriggle and giggle as he tickled his tummy.
I grinned long after the door closed.
An absolute gift.
“What’s all this about?” Jake demanded when he found me forty minutes later curled up in the fetal position on the sofa and still wearing pyjamas. “What’s going on here?”
“Noth—” Pain stabbed through to my lower back and surged down my thighs. “Oh god.”
“How long was I gone?” He brushed my forehead with the backs of his fingers, skin blissfully cool. “You’re all clammy and hot. Are you sick?”