15. Sullivan
Chapter Fifteen
SULLIVAN
When I told Knight I trusted him, I meant it.
For better or worse, he likes me, and he’s never once made me feel even slightly uncomfortable around him.
The opposite actually. I’m probably way too comfortable around him.
Knowing I’ll be returning to Adrian’s sooner than I thought I’d have to and for much longer than I’d ever want to has me feeling all kinds of ways.
Out of control—yes. Desperate to escape—yes. Resigned—also, yeah.
But I’m also afraid.
I think maybe I’ve gotten a little numb to the fear over the last couple of years.
I shut down the part of me that wanted to run—to resist, finding little ways to rebel instead.
But the bottom line is I don’t think I would have wound up in the situation I’m in with Adrian if I weren’t on some level deeply afraid of what he’ll do to me if I ever try to end it.
He’ll ruin my life. Any chance of a future I might have would go up in smoke if I don’t do exactly as he says. I belong to Adrian Frazier. I’m bought and paid for. He owns me.
So, when Knight’s body covers mine, and he lowers his mouth to kiss me, I want to give him one of the only things I’ve got left that Adrian can’t touch. My desire. My need.
Knight’s gentle entreaty of a kiss is met with something much more robust on my part.
I’m so overzealous, I end up rolling him over, and we thump off the air mattress and onto the carpet.
His head hits the floor, and he grunts, but neither of us breaks the kiss.
We’re good like that. Once we’re in it—we’re in it.
He’s so hard still, and I’m rutting against him, wanting to get all my arousal back, but given the tequila and the way I just came down his throat, I should probably be more patient—it’s just—I can’t. We’re out of time.
Where is the fucking lube?
What I lack in hardness, I make up for in how goddamned turned on I still am.
I never knew getting head could feel like that.
Could be like that. It was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, much less experienced.
I already know I’m never gonna get over it.
I’m still in fucking awe. “Fuck me,” I’m saying over and over between kisses. “Fuck me.”
His big rough hands run down my back to cup my ass cheeks.
I wrap my arms around his head and make out with him like I’m being judged on performance and endurance.
I need him inside me. Now. I need his cum painting my insides and laying its claim.
In fact, I want his cum and his marks all over me.
Scratches, hickeys, bruises, whatever. I want the entire claiming experience.
The next time Adrian forces me to take Quinn’s cock, I’ll know I’ve had Knight inside me. I’ll remember the way he felt and the sounds he made, what he said. And I’ll know it was because it was what I wanted. I want it so fucking much.
“You want this, don’t you?” I ask, wishing his hair were longer so I could grab onto it.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? I know you’re not—I know I usually—”
“I’m not picky,” he says.
“Okay.” Frantically, I look between his eyes, flashing a glance between one, then the other and back. “I need, this. You know? You get it?”
“Of course I don’t get it. But I’ve got you,” he says.
“Yeah?” I kiss him hard again before he can answer.
He whimper moans, and we’re back in it again. Grinding and breathing for each other so deep in each other’s mouths, it feels like drowning. His hands massage my ass as he moves our bodies together in that rolling motion unique to good sex because he’s got me.
God, I fucking wish.
I wish my life were that simple.
I would never call anything that’s happened between Knight and me a mistake, but I would definitely call it stupid.
He’s way too goddamn likable and perfect for me to think I could leave here and chalk this up to a summer fling.
I’d love to say I’m cold and shut down enough to be able to do that, but people like him—genuinely good people like Knight Winters—must be my weakness.
It was the first time he let me fuck him that I knew he could hurt me.
Not that I think he would. Not on purpose. It won’t be because he’s cruel or dismissive. It’ll be because he stays true to who he is. And that’ll hurt because it’s sad. It’s sad that someone so good has chosen to live his life alone.
He’s not meant for me, and I’m not meant for him, and I’ve known that since I gave him head in the woods, but fuck we’re good together. That is, I mean, as long as he doesn’t know the truth about me. That I’m another man’s whore.
To get a few deep breaths, I break away from his mouth and move down to suck and kiss his neck. He turns to press his lips to my ear. “You wanna get back on the mattress?”
“I don’t care.”
“Somebody’s gonna get rug burn if we don’t.”
“Also don’t care.”
“Right well. That might be the tequila talking.”
“It’s me, I promise.”
He gives my ass a rough slap. “Stop moving, or I’m gonna come.”
“It’s not just me.”
“I’m serious,” he says on a gasp, his voice strained.
Reluctantly, I slow my grinding and take my mouth off his neck. I push myself up on my hands and look down at him. “Don’t overthink.”
“I’m not. Trying not to come. Literally.”
“Okay,” I breathe. “Should I get the lube?”
“Yeah. Do that.”
As I get up, the sight of the tequila bottle is pretty damn tempting, but what’s more tempting is the sight of Knight with a massive erection, running his hands down his face and crunching his abs up to sit.
How a man who looks like that thinks I’m anything special to look at is mystifying to me, especially given what I’ve done to myself in the last year.
But I swear to God, if I had any kind of a normal appetite, I would have gained a hundred pounds to make myself less attractive to Adrian. My nervous system doesn’t work that way, though. Skipping the tequila, I walk to my backpack, pulling the lube but not the condoms out of the side pocket.
Knight notices this right away as I toss the bottle onto the mattress.
“Forgetting something?”
“No.” I kneel on the big bubble of plastic before crawling on top of him again. “Do you mind?”
“Fucking you bare?”
I kiss him, hoping that will sway him toward not minding a bit.
“That goes against literally everything I’ve been taught my entire life.”
“Right well…you also know science, don’t you?” I ask. “Like if I don’t have anything and you don’t have anything, neither one of us can give each other anything?”
“And you know you don’t have anything how?”
“I got tested after school let out.”
He frowns. “You afraid Chelsea gave you something?”
No, Knight. Along with full body waxing, monitored daily douching, and being dressed up like a teenage dream, I’m also required to present a clean bill of sexual health before Adrian will put his mouth on me. “Just seemed like a smart thing to do.”
“And I’m the only person you’ve been with this summer?”
It’s my turn to scowl. “Who the fuck else would I have been with?”
“I mean, I don’t see you every day.”
“It’s just you. Jesus. If it’s a no, just say no.”
“It’s not a no. I’m just trying to be thorough.”
“I don’t have any STIs. I don’t even have allergies.”
His face cracks a grin, and it’s fucking gorgeous. “Okay, but listen.”
I sigh. “What?”
“Are you okay?”
“I just said I don’t have—”
“No, I mean…what side of you am I seeing today? Something you’re trying out? Or is this the real you? What’s going on?”
“Um…” I swallow the anxiety, the rising fear in my throat. “I’m trusting you.”
“That’s all this is?”
“No,” I admit. “But you trust me, right?”
He nods.
“This is what I need today.”
“Yeah, I got that. I’m asking if you’re okay.”
“I’m…it’s complicated.”
“Right,” he whispers. “Okay.”
“Can I kiss you?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
Our lips meet softly, and Knight’s hand on my face exerts just enough pressure to keep me from deepening the kiss.
He keeps the pace slow and the kiss tender, like a reset.
Like he’s not still rock fucking hard from the blow job and nearly coming five minutes ago.
He’s kissing me like we’re starting from scratch, and fuck, I wish he wouldn’t because I don’t need all this time to think and remember and notice how perfect he is all over again.
How much I like him and wish and wish and wish…
“Is there a way you want to do this?” he asks in that low rumble of a voice.
“After how you handled sucking me off, I’m more interested in seeing how you want to do this.”
His brows lift. “You really liked that.”
He has no idea. It might almost be enough to help me survive the next month. But I just nod.
“If it’s any way I want…”
I keep nodding.
“Then I want you to ride me.”
Heat prickles the back of my neck then seems to melt down my spine causing a paradoxical chill to wrack me. I lick my suddenly too dry lips and release a shaky breath.
I can admit to not knowing much about topping or bottoming.
I understand dominance and submission. Demands and obedience.
Rewards and punishments. And I also understand that I’ve needed to control the situation with Knight from the moment I met him, but especially in bed.
But I don’t know what that makes me or him.
Are there rules? And if there are, are they set in stone? Does it matter when it’s just him and me, and we’re in agreement? Or at least I think we are.
I wish anything about sex—besides orgasms—made sense to me. “Can I start now?” I ask. “Or did you want me to slow down?”
“You know—you can spend the night, Sullivan. I’m not going anywhere.”
Yeah. Yes. Maybe this time I will. “Was that a yes?”
“It means let’s fuck now, let’s fuck again later. We can do whatever we want. We’ve got all night.”
Right.