SULLIVAN #2
His mouth slams into mine again, and he rolls on top of me, pressing himself up on his arms so our dicks are at least separated. “Yes,” he blurts. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Yes.”
I can’t help it. I’m surprised, and it definitely shows. “Really?”
“I missed you so fucking much,” he says like this should be obvious.
“But we only agreed to—”
“We don’t have to.”
“No, I want to. I really want to.”
He stares down at me, studying what feels like every pore on my face. “I haven’t done it since…like I’m sorry if it sucks or doesn’t measure up—”
“It won’t suck.” It never does with us, and thank God I manage somehow not to say that.
I also get a very good kiss for what I did say, but it’s short as his mouth leaves mine to suck at my neck.
I arch toward his tongue. I’m not sure a reputable therapist would approve, but if I can use this night to let Knight Winters reclaim my body, I might actually survive the summer—another fall.
“How do you want me?”
My spinning thoughts and my aching arousal make the question sound like such a trick.
How do I want Knight? I want him all around me.
On top. Inside. Wrapped up. I want to feel all his goodness and all the want that stupid asshole who hurt him took for granted.
I want to hold him so close—so close nothing could possibly get between us.
All I manage to whisper is his name as he sucks what feels like a mark into my neck.
“I missed you,” he murmurs against the wet, cool skin. “Fuck, I missed you.”
“I want…to take off my clothes.” I say instead of what I really want, although being naked is part of it.
We help each other strip. I push down his shorts while he peels off his t-shirt revealing every inch of the college athlete he is.
All hard planes and ridges and silvered stretch marks around the biggest muscles in his shoulders and chest. I run a hand over his bare pecs and ask, “Do you wax, too?” I sound so stupid.
So awestruck, like I’ve never seen a naked guy or him.
The tan beneath my hand deepens with a flush. “Laser,” he says self-consciously. “I started before freshman year.”
I examine his upper body as my fingers trail down his bare arms. “Here, too?”
“Yeah.”
“Not the legs, though, right?”
“Do we need to get into this right now? It’s embarrassing.”
“Why?” I ask, still exploring all his exposed skin. “You’re gorgeous.”
“You think?”
“I’ve always thought that.”
He kisses me again, one hand at work on opening my fly. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me tonight, but I like it.”
“I guess I missed you, too.”
“Then why don’t we see each other?”
“I don’t know. Life is shit.” I’m shit. “It’s not like we can do this.”
“We’re doing it right now.”
“You were gonna pay me.” I lift my hips, and he pulls down my pants now that they’re open. While he’s doing that, I take off my shirt before running a hand through my hair to tame it back down.
“Are you saying I could have just asked you out, and you would have said yes? I don’t think so,” he says.
The fact that he’s probably right makes me hate myself a little more. I want him more than I should, and I fucking know that, but it doesn’t stop my brain from trying to find a way for us. At least until summer. “Are you saying you don’t mind that I suck other guys dicks for money?”
“I mean—everybody’s gotta make a living, right? Would I like it better if you were playing your violin for tips? Sure, but I get the profit margins are vastly different.”
For fuck’s sake, he’s even sexier when he sounds smart.
How is he even possible? We’re having this conversation with him draped over me, propped on his forearms. Our chests are barely touching, and all I would have to do to kiss him and shut him up would be to lift my head an inch, but I’m just staring up at him with my hands on his waist, answering questions with questions.
I need to stop doing that. “I would have wanted to say yes to you, but I’m not sure I would have let myself.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re not a good idea.”
“Like I’m a bad investment?” he asks.
“Sort of. Or like a designer drug that leaves you flat broke and wanting more.”
His mouth curves into a grin. “I had no idea you thought so highly of me.”
“No?”
He shakes his head, his gaze never leaving mine.
“Well, I do. I always have.”
He frowns down at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Emotion forms a knot at the base of my throat, and my eyes burn. I lick my lips, needing to hold this in, but increasingly unsure whether I’ll be able to. “What makes you think I’m not?” I hate the way my voice shakes.
He gives me a look like the answer to his question should be terribly obvious, and he’s right.
This is nothing like the way I was with him over the summer.
So much has happened. The wall I kept up between him and me is barely standing anymore because I’ve been so busy building other ones to protect me from the shit I’ve had to do to survive.
I hate the way money is controlling every aspect of my continued existence.
I hate everything I’ve had to do to be at this school, and it’s been all I can do this year to pass my classes and give a damn about a future I might not be able to have.
I groan and look away from him, past him to the sky. “Fine. No. I’m not okay.”
“Sullivan…” He starts to push himself off me, but I grip him even harder, limiting how far he can go.
“Wait. It’s complicated.”
“Please stop saying that.”
“Give me a chance,” I say.
“Look, I’m here, aren’t I? What do you think you can’t tell me? I can’t even fucking admit I know you anymore.”
Fuck that hurts to hear. But he goes on.
“Do you think I’m gonna judge you? Me?”
“Yes,” I say a few tears spilling from my overheated eyes.
“I don’t,” he says, and he sounds almost urgent.
“Because you don’t know anything about me.”
“Does it seem like I don’t want to?”
My erection is long gone, and I imagine his is, too. I don’t feel it on my hip anymore, and the realization causes more tears to fall. I can’t believe this is happening. What did I say to get us here?
I’ve never felt more like a victim than I do right here in this truck.
I’ve never truly believed there was nothing I could do to change my circumstances until the thought of telling Knight everything has me seized with terror and fucking crying.
My life might be worthless at this point, but his isn’t.
Knight might not give much of a shit about me, but on the off chance he does, and he did something to try and get me out of the situation I’m in, Adrian wouldn’t hesitate to go to any length to protect himself from exposure, including destroying any chance Knight might have with the NFL.
Knight’s family might be powerful, but Adrian and Quinn are fucking evil, and they’re rich as hell.
I can’t. I just—can’t. I’ve never felt so trapped in my life. There are only two ways out. One of them is hard, and I’d have to be functioning at the highest possible level. The other way…the other way is so simple. I just—go.
“Hey.” His soft voice breaks the night as he shifts onto one elbow so he can put a hand on my face. “Is someone hurting you?”
I nod. I can’t help it. I can’t lie to him when he’s this close, looking at me like he cares.
“Can you tell me who?”
To that, I shake my head, forcing my mouth to stay shut.
“That’s okay.” His thumb rubs over my cheekbone, drying some of the tears. “Am I hurting you?”
I shake my head again. “No,” I whisper.
He brushes a soft kiss against my lips. “Then I’m gonna ask again. How do you want me?”
A silent sob shakes my chest. “I want you to fuck me like you love me.”