8. James
CHAPTER EIGHT
James
NOW
“Soph, let’s put on some sunscreen!”
Sophia squeals, paddling her floaty-clad arms to the opposite end of the pool, away from Kendall.
“Sophia,” Kendall warns, enunciating each syllable. Sadie, my niece who’s back home from her freshman year of college with my sister for the summer, scoots closer to Sophia. She smiles at Sophia, coaxing her back to dry land where her mom waits with a blob of sunscreen in her palm.
Sophia flails her arms, splashing droplets of water everywhere, while Kendall attempts to dry her the best she can before slathering her up to prepare her for another hour in the sun.
I watch them from the other side of the backyard, sitting on a slatted lounge chair.
I’m nursing a beer with a plate full of food balanced on my knee.
With Sadie’s return, my mom went all out for her welcome-home celebration.
Marinated short ribs, steamed rice, side dishes like stir-fried glass noodles and braised vegetables.
The usual suspects for a weekend lunch at my parents’ house, and the Korean food I only really get to eat when my mom cooks.
Though the way we embrace the Korean side of our family—specifically, my mom’s side—is usually through food, I can’t really complain.
Other customs, such as New Year’s Day rituals, are done on a case-by-case basis.
Something that happened over time as most of our extended family grew further and further apart.
“First year of college. Are you guys happy now that Sadie’s back home?” I ask my sister.
Teeny nods from the lounge chair sitting parallel to the one I’m sitting in.
She has her own plate of food, different variations of what’s on mine, though she favors more of the noodles and vegetables.
“She’s just been sleeping in most days and eating a lot,” she tells me.
“I think that last week of finals knocked the wind out of her, and she didn’t really like the dining hall food that much. ”
“She’s been ordering a lot of food delivery,” Everett, her husband, chimes in.
“Yeah,” Teeny agrees. “A lot of dessert.”
The two share a smile like it’s an inside joke.
They’ve been married about three years, after Teeny divorced Sadie’s dad, Leo.
She started dating Leo when she was a senior in high school.
He was a friend of mine from college, and they met when he followed me home for a weekend visit.
While I see Leo from time to time, considering he’s still my niece’s dad, the divorce and my sister’s new husband have altered our friendship.
It’s crazy how things turned out. I thought Teeny and Leo would grow old together.
Watch Sadie grow up, send her off to college together and have her come back to a home they share.
But life has a way of paving its own path.
Instead, destiny decided to bring Everett back into Teeny’s life after he disappeared more than twenty years ago.
High school sweethearts and whatnot. It took some time for the whole family to adjust to their relationship considering they had quite a past, but now, it’s like they’ve been together this whole time.
“How does she like Berkeley?”
“She likes it. Said the classes are pretty hard,” Everett answers. “But she’s happy to be home.”
“I think she was a little homesick,” Teeny adds.
It’s funny how smoothly they transitioned into this new norm.
It’s like one minute, my sister found herself in a rut of a marriage, dealing with a husband who had a wandering eye, and the next, the person she least expected walked right back into her life, setting all the things that were tipped over, upright.
I start picking at my food with my chopsticks when I notice Kendall slouched over. She’s sitting on a folding chair, a strained smile pressing her lips together. Her hand is clutched to her diaphragm like she might be sick, and her face looks pale. Like she really is sick.
“I’ll be right back.” I set my plate down and stand. I round the edges of the pool, and when I reach her side, I bend down on one knee.
“You okay?” I ask, getting close to her ear. I say the words quietly, trying to keep a calm and even tone. I don’t know if I do a good job of it.
That smile pulls tighter, her best effort at putting on a brave face. “Yeah. Just a little queasy.”
“Was it something you ate?”
She shakes her head. “I haven’t eaten anything.”
Guilt rattles my insides. I don’t know how I didn’t notice. Between getting Sophia into the pool and helping my parents barbecue, I must’ve missed her skipping her own serving of food.
I run my hand up and down her back, hoping she doesn’t flinch away. She doesn’t. “Do you want to leave?”
She shakes her head. “Sophia’s having so much fun with Sadie. I just need to sip on some water.” She nods her head toward the water bottle at her feet.
I drag a chair closer to her to sit rather than crouch, making sure to stay by her side. I continue to rub soft circles into her back, and it seems to help. At least I hope it does.
Sophia does a flip off Sadie’s shoulders, squealing at us to look at her. She’s preparing for another hurdle when Kendall covers her mouth.
“I have to use the bathroom,” she whispers before dashing back into the house.
“Daddy! You aren’t looking!”
My attention is split between Kendall rushing inside and Sophia.
“Yeah, Soph. Go ahead,” I assure.
She does another jump, and Sadie high-fives her when her grinning face reemerges from the water.
“Daddy, did you see?”
“I did, bug,” I tell her. “Why don’t you keep practicing with Sadie? I’m going to check on Mommy.”
I walk inside after slipping off my shoes in front of sliding glass doors. It’s quiet inside since everyone is outside either gathered around the pool or manning the grill. I knock on the bathroom door offside to the kitchen.
“Kendall, you okay?”
I hear her retch. “Yeah, I just need a minute.”
I test the knob. I’m relieved when it turns. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” She’s slumped over the toilet, and the image of her with her hair held back by her fist in a makeshift hair tie reminds me of when she was pregnant.
When we were so hopeful and every episode of morning sickness was welcomed with the realization she was growing our baby inside of her.
Pregnant. Like a bucket of icy cold water, the memory is washed away with fear.
“I—uh, is…” I stutter. I do some mental gymnastics, trying to remember the last time we had sex.
Kendall peers at me over her shoulder, heaving a heavy breath. “What?”
“I don’t know,” I manage. “Why are you…nauseous?”
She stands up, flushing the toilet with the last bits of her energy. She walks to the sink and rinses her mouth. “I think it’s the medication.”
I don’t mean to, but I sigh. It comes out like a breath of relief, and Kendall sees every ounce of panic leave my body.
“What?” she asks. Her brow pulls together as she wipes her chin with a towel.
“What?”
“Why do you look…relieved?”
“I’m not—”
“Yes, you are,” she argues. “Did you think it was something else?”
She watches me stumble over my answer only for it to trickle out at a suspiciously slow pace. “I uh, was just thinking…the last time you were sick like this was when…” I gesture a vague hand in the direction of her stomach.
“Did you think I was—”
She doesn’t finish the question, but betrayal and disbelief lines her face.
“No,” I rebuff, obviously lying. “That’s not it.”
“James, I’m not pregnant.” She said it. That word. Like a rotting, flesh-eating bacteria, sucking the life out of our marriage. “Even if I was, it—it wouldn’t matter.”
“What does that mean?” I ask, my tone accusatory and hostile. I had no plans to do this here. I don’t want to do this here. We’re supposed to be having a fun afternoon at my parents’ house, not arguing in the bathroom about misguided assumptions.
“It means,” she answers, indignation heavy in her tone. She pauses, considering how to tell me the words held on the tip of her tongue. “Nothing.”
She turns around, ripping a tissue out of the box on the bathroom counter. She turns her back to me, but I can see her dab at the corners of her eyes. She sniffs as she continues to wipe at her face, attempting to make herself presentable after emptying her insides in my parents’ guest bathroom.
“I’m going to go get Sophia,” I announce after the silence becomes stifling. “She’s been in the pool for a few hours anyway.”
Kendall looks at herself in the mirror, swiping her fingers across her cheek.
Her makeup is smudged and the skin around her eyes and cheeks is ruddy.
She doesn’t oppose my plans like she did when I first offered to take her home.
Instead, she nods at me through the reflection, and I take it as my cue to leave.
I’m at my desk at work, sifting through a mountain of emails, when my phone goes off.
It’s a light ping, the familiar sound indicating someone at my front door from the camera app.
I ignore it, knowing it’s probably just the mail carrier or some other delivery, but then the pings continue.
They ring one right after the other. Confused and a little worried, I open the app on my phone only to see the last person I expect through my screen.
Kendall is bundled up in a sweater with her hair thrown up into a messy knot. She’s standing at the front porch, talking to some solicitor at our door. They’re making some sales pitch while she’s politely nodding along.
It’s Monday morning. She should be at school.