Chapter 7
seven
SASHA
The wind floats through my bay window, playing with my curtains and nipping at my skin. Jurian’s iPod rests in my hand, the headphones plugged into my ears while I try to distract myself.
I haven’t been able to get my mind off the other day, how easily Johnny comforted me, how much he cared. That little nickname he has for me is strange, but I like it.
It makes me feel special.
He makes me feel special.
But I know it’s probably not special in the way that I want it to be. Every time he gets close, my heart beats faster and my palms get all clammy.
I try so hard to keep my emotions in check, so hard to keep him from knowing I’m falling in love with him. In love with the way he smiles at me, the way he makes jokes and takes life one step after another, the way he runs his fingers through his hair.
When he flirts with me, I try not to get my hopes up. I know he only sees us as friends, but when he asked me to go back to his place with that stupid goofy smile… I couldn’t help but feel like it was something more.
It’s weird, pretending to be friends with someone when all you want to do is kiss them until the rest of the world disappears.
Part of me didn’t actually believe that he wanted to be friends. I thought for sure he’d move on and forget about me, or see the parts of me that I hate and go running for the hills before my fucked up life could infect his perfect one.
But he didn’t.
He texted me every single day, with pictures of him and his friends, stupid jokes about our professors, and updates on his life.
I ate up every piece of information he was willing to offer. I was like a starved woman.
Getting to know him made me realize just how much I’ve been missing out on for all these years. And seeing how loving his friends are —how they act like a family— showed me that the few friends I did have weren’t real friends.
Two years ago
“Chug! Chug! Chug!”
The boys from the hockey team sit in my living room, drinking enough beer to intoxicate a small village, and destroying my apartment.
Jurian and Nathan both asked before inviting them over, but when they said it was gonna be a few of the guys, I didn’t expect the whole team to show up.
I risked going out there to get my laptop from the kitchen so I could attempt to get some school work done, but all I got in return were questioning glances and a beer can to the back of the head.
When I got halfway down the hall, a few steps away from my room, I heard one of them ask Nathan who I was… his response was a simple, ‘oh, that’s Jurian’s sister’.
Not his best friend.
That one hurt.
But it’s almost midnight, and I have a lecture at eight…
So I text Nathan, asking him to come to my room for a second.
A couple of minutes later, he peeks his head in through the door, his green eyes glassy from the beer, “what’s up?”
“How much longer do you think the guys are gonna be over?” I ask, trying not to sound too judgmental.
He gives me a half shrug, “not sure.”
“Do you think you can wrap it up soon? Or go to a bar?” I offer. “I have an early class.”
“Yeah, I’m sure I can figure something out.” He starts to close the door before he turns back around, “J went to Jessies by the way, said he’s staying the night.”
An hour later, and I’m wide awake in bed listening to them yell, all hope of sleep going out the window… and I can’t even text my brother for help.
Ian was always kind to me, but we were never close enough to really know anything about one another besides the superficial stuff.
And Nathan… well, he was a real friend. Except we were never the same way in public as we were in private. He never hid our friendship, but it was like he was trying to distance himself when other people were around. Like he didn’t want people to know just how close we were.
Maybe he wasn’t as good a friend as I thought. I never had anyone else to compare him to, but now…
I want to get to know the rest of them, become a part of what they have with each other. I want to be a part of their family.
Claire seems nice, but despite everything I’ve seen and heard about her, I can’t help but feel like there’s something more between her and Johnny.
They understand each other, and that bothers me.
She knows more about him than I do, and even though I know she’s with Lucas, I feel like there’s a part of him that wishes she was with him instead.
Being in the friend-zone fucking sucks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom peek her head into my room, “I’m thinking of takeout for dinner tonight, thoughts?”
Shaking my head, I turn back to my window. Taking the headphones out of my ears and pulling my knees into my chest to make space for her, knowing she’s going to fill the space in front of me
My mother walks over, taking the seat across from me as she places a gentle hand on my leg. “You only ever use that thing when something’s bothering you,” she pauses for a moment, “you’ve been listening to it a lot lately.”
She knows about Nathan, and the horrible thing he’s done, but she doesn’t know about Johnny. I’ve kept him hidden away, scared that if I tell someone about him, it’ll ruin whatever we have with each other.
But that makes me just as bad as Nathan.
“I have a new friend,” I tell her quietly. “He’s sweet, and he introduced me to his friends yesterday.”
Her eyes brighten, “wanna tell me about him?”
And because of that light that shines when she can see the old me, I do. I tell her all about him. It comes out of my mouth like word-vomit, finally being able to tell someone about him is like a weight off my shoulders.
Johnny Davis is more than he lets on. Sure, he’s goofy and flirts like his life depends on it, but he’s got a side to him that I feel like a lot of people don’t get to see. The side that I got to see as he comforted me in his bedroom.
I haven’t had a moment like this with my mom in a really long time. The kind where I feel like a little girl again, the kind where my mom just listens to me ramble on and on about something.
“He sounds great, Sash, but I think you left out one little detail.”
“What’s that?” I ask, watching her walk out of my bedroom.
A knowing smile crosses her face, “he’s much more than a friend my dear. We both know it.”
I go back to staring out my window, brushing off my mother’s statement because I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never have the courage to tell Johnny how I feel.
My phone buzzes next to me, and when I look down, I feel my heart start to race.
Johnny-Boy
Hey Pixie, what ya doin’ tonight?
I’m afraid to ask, but… why?
Well, the roommates and I are having a bunch of people over, and I figured you’d rather spend the night with yours truly than whatever else you have going on
Oh, so you think that you’re more important than any other plans I might have?
Duh
I’ll pick you up at 8?
It’s okay! I’ll just meet you at your place :)
The thought of getting into a car makes me want to cry, I haven’t been in one since shortly after the accident, and I’m sure as hell not gonna let the first time be with the boy I like.
He’s sweet for offering though.
My mom tried to get me in the car a couple of weeks after the accident, but as soon as my hand touched the handle… everything began to tilt on its side. My heart started to race, the world started to fade at the edges, and this kind of unshakable fear wormed its way into my heart.
I was shaken up for hours, and I cried until I was so tired I passed out.
God, I am so fucked.
When I make it to the house, Lucas is sitting on the front doorstep with a bottle of beer in his hand.
His dirty blonde hair is pushed back, and his brown eyes stare up at me as I walk up the driveway.
He looks like he’s about to blow a gasket, so I edge around him, avoiding pissing him off any further.
“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you,” he says in a huff.
My feet stop just short of the door. I peer in through the window to see Blair, Johnny, and Claire messing around in the living room.
I can barely hear their laughs, but I see Johnny throw Claire over his shoulder.
My heart sinks, and all those feelings of resentment towards Claire seep into my heart like a poison.
Sighing, I take a seat next to Lucas. “Thanks for the heads up.”
He takes a sip from the bottle in his hands, “figured you’d rather be out here like me. It’s tough seeing someone you’re in love with act that way with someone else.”
My eyebrows shoot up, and I start to panic, “I- I’m not in love with him.”
“Yeah, sure.” He gives me a side eye before rolling the bottle between his hands, “I said that too.”
But I’m not in love with Johnny. Sure, I like him, and want to spend most of my time with him and have him look at me like I’m the only girl in the world and— oh shit.
I think Lucas might be right. This stupid crush has slowly become... not a crush.
“How do you deal with it?” I ask him, giving up on the whole charade. Lucas already sees through me, I don’t know how but he does. “Him and Claire, I mean.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while, and as the sun finally sets over the horizon, he grabs a beer from beside him, handing it to me.
I take it from him, smiling softly, and twist the top off. He scratches at his cheek, tinted red from the wind, but doesn’t seem to be affected otherwise.
“He’s probably the nicest guy I’ve ever met,” Lucas finally says. “When we’re off the ice, he’s all smiles and charm, but as soon as we step onto that rink, he’s a real asshole. He plays hard, but he’s so damn nice that you can’t even hate him for it.”
“So you don’t care because he’s… nice?”
He chuckles, “no, I still care, it kills me actually, but the guy’s so damn likeable it makes it hard to hate him for it.
” I take a sip of my beer as he speaks, hoping that maybe it’ll help calm these nerves.
“I punched him once, hard enough to almost break his nose, but after that initial anger, I realized that he and Claire are nothing more than friends.”
I look back, seeing the two of them still laughing in the living room, and try not to go a little crazy at the sight.
“They get each other in a way I don’t understand, but just like I have Blair,” he tips his head, motioning to the house, “they have each other.”
You know, from all the things I heard about this group, Lucas was always portrayed as this asshole who didn’t care about anything. I’m beginning to see he does care about something… he cares about the people closest to him.
“Thanks,” I tell him, placing the bottle on the step. “Should we go in now?”
Lucas shakes his head, “nah, it’s quiet out here, and I think you’re one of the few people in this group that’ll enjoy the peace with me.”
My hands grip the counter of the downstairs bathroom. I stare at myself as short, uneven breaths fog up the mirror.
Someone slipped another letter into my jacket. I don’t know how they keep doing it without me noticing, or how they know when I need them the most.
Tonight has been fun, but even in a room full of people, I somehow still feel alone. Johnny hasn’t left my side all night —which I’m grateful for— but even though he calms my nerves more than I thought possible, I still seem to feel like no one can see me.
This note was different from the others. I felt seen before, felt like they understood me… but now I feel like they’re inside my head.
I just want to know who they are, and why they’re so set on making me feel just a little less alone in the world. They comfort me, but they also make me angry. I don’t deserve to feel understood, seen, heard, loved, cared for… I deserve to feel like I’m rotting inside.
Because realistically, I am.
Johnny is like a band-aid on a bullet hole. He’s a temporary solution to my problems, a temporary solution to the pain and hurt I feel every day because my other half was ripped away from me.
And just like I don’t understand why this mystery person is in my life, I also don’t understand why Johnny has chosen to be in my life.
He’s such an amazing person, someone who deserves more than a girl like me. I’m fooling myself if I think that I’ll ever be enough for Johnny Davis. I’m fooling myself if I think these newfound friends won’t see me for what I really am, even if I want nothing more than to be part of this family.
Slowly, I unfurl my fingers from the counter and re-read the note that’s crumpled in my fist.
I feel alone too… But there’s a place for us all, even where we least expect it.