Chapter 27
twenty-seven
SASHA
He called me, and I didn’t answer.
I watched it ring out, and then watched as the voicemail notification lit up my screen and minute later. It took me a week to listen to the voicemail, and the silence of it killed me.
But then he spoke.
One singular word.
But that one singular word gave me just enough hope.
Johnny Davis is still thinking about me, he cares. Some part of him, no matter how small, still wants me in his life.
At least, enough to call me.
Because that’s what that call meant, right? That he cares? That everything that happened between us wasn’t just some fluke or a figment of my imagination?
I was angry, so fucking angry at him because he put someone else above me. He chose someone else when he knew I needed him, when he knew that was the one thing everyone had always done.
I’ve never been the first choice.
But eventually that anger faded, I realized how much I needed him in my life, and now I just miss him.
I miss Johnny Davis more than I can put into words.
The thought that I’m never going to see or speak to him again breaks my heart. I can’t imagine him not being here for the big stuff, like graduation.
This whole thing has sucked, like royal fucking sucked, but whoever has been leaving me letters has returned. They’re showing up everywhere now, after weeks of radio silence, I guess they saw how much I needed them again. I’ve gotten at least two every day for the last few days.
I feel seen again.
But not by who I want.
“Earth to Sasha,” Lucas laughs, waving a hand in front of my face. “Everything okay?”
I turn to him, “sorry, I was just thinking.”
He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “The girls want you to come over for a movie tonight,” I stiffen. “Don’t worry, Davis won’t be there. Me and the guys are going to the bar with the team, one last hurrah before we have to crack down and focus on championships.”
My shoulders relax and I take a deep breath. “As long as you shoot me a text when you’re on your way home, I’ll do it.”
He smiles sadly, “would it be so bad if you two saw one another? Maybe you could talk things out.”
“No,” I shake my head, “I don’t think we can. I miss him so much, but I can’t forget what he did. He chose her over me, Lucas. He walked out my door knowing what it would do to me.”
I have to be strong, I need to do this for myself, no matter how much it hurts.
“I’m tired of being walked all over, I’m tired of being pushed aside and people thinking I’ll forgive them because I’m too nice.”
Lucas stares out the windshield, “now I know how everyone else felt watching Claire and I.”
“What?”
“When Claire and I were still trying to figure out what the hell was going on between the two of us, everyone said it was painfully obvious and very painful to watch. You and Davis are in the same boat now,” he spares me a glance, “the two of you are clearly made for each other, you’re just too stubborn to admit it. ”
Glaring, I lean my head against the window and watch the trees move past us. “It’s not stubborn to stand up for yourself. I’ve never put myself first, but this time is different.”
I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering if I’ll be left behind during important parts of life. If he can leave, just like that, without any kind of hesitation, then why would I believe he wouldn’t do it again?
This isn’t as easy as everyone thinks. Leaving him behind, moving on in my life? It’s hard.
I thought I finally found someone who saw me.
“Just promise me one thing?” He asks. “If he somehow finds you on campus or something, just hear him out? If you guys talked, you might understand the whole story. That night, it wasn’t what you thought, Claire and Davis told—“
“Stop.” I slam my eyes shut, “please Lucas, I don’t want to talk about what happened. The why is irrelevant, he told me we were over, and ran out to go chase after another girl.”
Don’t cry, Sasha. It’s not worth it.
“But-“
“No, I’m done talking about this. There’s no point.”
It’s weird being in this house without him here.
His bedroom is upstairs, a place I’ve slept countless times, and a space I felt safe in.
My nerves feel like they’re on fire.
But he’s not here. He and all the guys are out at the bars, and Lucas promised me he’d let me know when they’re on their way so one of the girls could drive me home.
It’s all going to be okay.
“How the hell are they going to kill him!” Steph yells at the TV, throwing popcorn at the screen. “He totally could have made it out of there.”
Claire giggles, “yeah, but the whole point is his death gives the team a reason to keep fighting.”
“I still think it’s dumb, he’s arguably the best one.”
I pull the blanket closer to my chest, trying to fight the chill I’ve had for the last three hours. They keep this house fucking cold.
“Do you want a pair of sweatpants or something?” Claire asks me, “you look like you’re about to freeze to death.”
When I showed up in shorts and a tank top, I did not think that I’d be sitting in an ice box.
“Is that okay?” I ask, “I can survive with the blanket, it’s not a big deal.”
Steph rolls her eyes, “just go grab clothes from Claire’s closet. I’m tired of feeling you shiver next to me.”
“Seriously, go ahead, Sash” Claire confirms.
When I make it to the stairs, I hear Steph call out from the couch, “and don’t puke all over the bathroom this time!”
“That happened once!” I yell over my shoulder.
Seriously, a girl gets drunk one time and all of a sudden she’s labelled for life.
I have to admit though, it is a little funny looking back at it. I was in such a rush to get out of there that I didn’t even notice the bathroom.
Picturing the guys cleaning up my puke makes me laugh. I hope Lucas and Blair were gagging the whole time.
It takes everything in me not to automatically go to Johnny’s room. I have to fight the habit, and that heartache I’ve been trying to ignore punches me in the chest.
All I want to do is crawl into his bed and sleep with him wrapped around me.
Sleeping with him was the best sleep I’ve had in years.
But I manage to force my feet towards Claire’s room instead, and push all thoughts of Johnny Davis out of my mind before it can eat me alive.
Her room still looks the same as every other time I’ve been here, the same bright colours everywhere, the same organized chaos, the bookshelves filled with adventures and love stories.
Nothing has changed.
Except everything.
I rummage through a stack of clothes, finally finding a hoodie and sweatpants. The second I put them on, I feel infinitely better. They’re warm and soft and—
The front door slams.
I freeze in place.
There’s mens voices.
“What are you guys doing back?” I hear Claire ask.
She knows Lucas was supposed to text me.
I grab my phone from Claire’s bed, frantically trying to see if I missed a text, but I didn’t. There’s nothing.
That mother fucker.
He did this on purpose.
I swear to god when I get my hands on Lucas St. James, I’m going to fucking throttle him.
“Miller had a few too many,” August sighs, “we called it early.”
“I’m going to go upstairs and change. I’ll be back down in a sec. Save me some popcorn, Clarity.”
Fuck.
Johnny has to walk past Claire’s room to get to his. I can’t leave without him seeing me, and I can’t wait for him to get into his room because he’ll hear me.
I’m so screwed.
Nope, I’m going to make a run for it.
I wait until I hear him close his door, and then book it down the hallway as fast as I can.
Everyone is sitting in the living room when I get down there, and my eyes instantly lock on Lucas. “You are such a dick,” I hiss.
He feigns confusion, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Tears burn the back of my eyes, “fuck you, Lu.”
I know he’s doing what he thinks is best, for both Johnny and I, but this is mean. I told them I didn’t want to see him, I told them I wanted to move on, and he’s still doing it anyway.
“Sasha!” Miller slurs, “it’s been so long, where have you been?”
My face softens. “Hi, I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.”
I mean it. I miss Miller, August and Blair too, but none of them have reached out to me. I assumed they were pissed, but by the way they’re all looking at me right now, I think I was wrong.
“You should come around more often,” Blair smiles, “we miss having you.”
“I know, I miss you guys too. I have to go though, before-“
“Sasha?”
My heart stops, like it actually stops beating for a second when I hear him say my name.
I turn around, and everything hurts. He looks great. That black hair of his is longer than the last time I saw him, and his green eyes are staring at me like he’ll never see me again.
“I was just leaving,” I tell him, snapping out of my daze.
“Wait, can we talk?”
No. We can’t, and the fact that Lucas thought he could trick me into having a conversation with Johnny makes me want to do it even less.
That was a dick move.
“Please, just let me expl—“
I turn to Claire, “don’t worry about the ride, I’d rather walk.”