46
I look at him for a second before marching back to the fire pit and collapsing into a chair. He sighs and then follows my lead. He sits next to me but he doesn’t collapse back. He stays forward, his face earnest, pleading with me to look him in the eyes. I can’t.
“I didn’t want to tell you like this. I had…I had a whole plan.”
“Tell me what? What else?” I rasp out.
“It was me who leaked the video.”
Video? What…
“Josh’s video?” I finally say. He nods. “You turned in your brother?”
“I,” he sits back a bit and looks across the yard, remembering. “I didn’t really know you yet, but even then, I knew you were too good to end up with him. I mean, you know now what kind of man he is. Hell,” he lets out a sad half laugh, “I was so jealous, didn’t make sense. I couldn’t even listen to that song Jessie’s Girl anymore because it was so spot on. I’d never really cared who he dated or anything about his miserable life. We were rivals but nothing truly got under my skin. Until I met you…I just couldn’t stand it.” His expression changes. “I didn’t plan to take his place, though. It wasn’t so I could make a move. I didn’t think beyond that I had to save you from him, from a life with him.”
“Thanks for that,” I say, my voice flat.
He scoffs. “I just ended up trapping you with another asshole though. You were too good for me too. You still are.”
“I don’t…Adam, what the hell? Sooo you wanted me at the beginning? Um, that was forever ago! What about since then, I mean, we don’t even like each other anymore!”
“I like you.”
I dip my chin. “Be serious. All I am to you is a nag.”
He puts his hands on either side of his forehead, “Ugh. That’s not true.”
“It is! And all you are to me is a grump! C’mon, Adam, these are the most words you’ve spoken to me in like five years!”
He winces as he drops his hands. “I know. I…I’ve been practicing.”
My mouth falls open for the tenth time tonight.
“Practicing…talking?”
He shudders. “Sharing stuff. Trying to think about, and communicate , you know, my feelings.” He makes a disturbed face that would be hilarious if I wasn’t reeling in shock.
“You’re…in therapy?”
“No,” he says slowly. It feels like he’s being intentionally vague.
So maybe he’s learned how to talk about his feelings on dates. Learned how to be better with other women. When he could have worked on this with me the last decade!
I stand and I’m woozy from the emotions, the shock, the pain. “Look, this is just…it’s a lot.”
He stands too. “I know, but like I said. I’m going to show you. I’m better. I’m…growing.”
“Well, congratulations, but like I said, this would have been pretty amazing um, I don’t know, six years ago?”
He groans, “I know, I’m so sorry, I—”
“You have done nothing but fight me, make my life harder, drawn out every single step of this divorce to…” I stop in my tracks.
“Yes, Suze. Exactly what you’re thinking. I just didn’t want the divorce to go through.”
All the air leaves my lungs. I inhale and almost growl my reply, “D-do you have any idea how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep? How hard this has been for the boys? How excruciating this has been to go through secretly, without my family for most of it, not to mention the money?” I cross out into the grass to pace and he follows me. “You were just having a tantrum and decided to do it with the most expensive divorce attorneys in the country?”
“Neither of us ever has to worry about money,” he says softly.
“Still! What a waste! Not to mention you could’ve just told me, why didn’t you say something when you moved to the cabana? Or when you had to rent a house? Or anytime before now, when I’m finally moving on!”
“Now I call bull.”
“What?”
He steps up to me, close. Very close. His voice is low, almost menacing. “You haven’t moved on.”
“I have! I—”
“That why you watched my every move as I put that set together?” He inches in so my chest brushes against his with every gasp for air. “That why your pulse is going crazy?” He slowly tucks a stray hair behind my ear. “Why neither of us can catch our breath right now?”
I look away before admitting, “Physical attraction is one thing, but—”
“And how come you can’t stand to be in a room with me and the boys at the same time?”
“Because it’s confusing to the boys? Because it’s so painful?” New tears gather quickly. “Because it’s brutal seeing all that we lost?”
He grips my head with both hands to wipe under my eyes with his thumbs, “So let’s un-lose it.”
“You think it’s that easy?” I pull away from him. “You just come home and say you’re sorry? Adam, you crushed me. Year after silent year, you tore me apart!”
“I know, I’m so damn sorry, Suzie, baby,” his voice cracks on the word. “I know I have to make it up to you. Let me try.” He steps toward me but I back up. “Please? Go to dinner with me.”
“No.”
“If you’ve moved on, it’ll just be two friends having a meal, right? What’s the harm?”
“Ummmm, we could fight some more, you could hurt me more.”
His brows raise, “How can I hurt you more if you’re over me?”
I glare at him. “If you’re just going to twist everything I say then I’m not going to say anything else.”
“Say you’ll go to dinner.”
I make a show of closing my mouth in a thin line like a petulant child.
“One dinner.”
I shake my head.
“One dinner and if you don’t have fun with me, don’t feel any sparks anymore, then I’ll sign the papers and we’ll be done.”
I deflate. “No, Adam. Just…no.” I start to walk inside.
“I’m not giving up.” he says to my back.
When I reach the back door I pause and turn back slightly, “You should.”
I go inside and check on the boys, hands shaking. My whole soul is shaking.
What on God’s green earth just happened out there?
He shows up a year later asking for a second chance? A year. A YEAR.
I get angrier and angrier as the shock wears off. He had so many opportunities to talk to me, apologize, tell me all of that.
“I always wanted you.”
AND! And our relationship is built on even more lies than I thought. All the more evidence that he’s beating a dead horse. Our relationship is dead. Over. It was dead on arrival! I don’t need to prove that by going to get coffee with him, either.
“You haven’t moved on.”
I growl in frustration as I reach my room and pull out my phone.
But my frustration is replaced quickly with much more pleasant feelings.
Because I have a new message from someone who is not a grumpy, cocky, currently insane asshole.
Sooner89: How was your night, sweetheart?
I didn’t feel the message come through so he must have thought I didn’t know what to reply. A while later he sent another.
Sooner89: I would’ve said Beautiful but you would’ve pointed out I haven’t seen you yet. Sweetheart I can say because I know that much already from our conversations.
OKAY, THIS! This is what I need in my life! Swoon!
BoomerSuener: Hey, sorry, rough night
Sooner89: The kids?
BoomerSuener: No, the ex. Be glad you don’t have to see/co-parent with yours.
Sooner89: Want to talk about it?
BoomerSuener: Not really
Sooner89: Shallow or deep?
BoomerSuener: Um, What kind of chat are we having here?
Sooner89: LOL in that context I’ll always go deep.
Sooner89: I meant do you want me to distract you with something silly or a deep question
BoomerSuener: Silly please
Sooner89: A paper cut brought me to my knees today. Literally.
BoomerSuener: Seriously? You collapsed?
Sooner89: I’m *almost* embarrassed about it. It hurt like a mf
BoomerSuener: Did you cry?
Sooner89: Sniffs were sniffed
BoomerSuener: !!!
Sooner89: I know. Should my man card be revoked?
BoomerSuener: Did you play off the sniffs like they were allergies?
Sooner89: Of course
BoomerSuener: Then you can keep it.
Sooner89: Whew, Thanks. Close one.
I smile, and consider sending him a song, maybe Walk Like a Man or Dude Looks Like a Lady. But I just can’t do it. As mad as I am at Adam, and might be forever, sending songs feels like a betrayal to him. That was his thing, funny songs.
But, I’m not going to let Adam “have” songs forever, am I? No. Of course not. Still, I can’t do that with someone else. Not yet.
We chat a while longer about nothing and then I cave, knowing my spin class is going to kick my butt in just a few short hours. I say goodnight and he replies quickly.
Sooner89: Goodnight Sweetheart
BoomerSuener: What makes you say that
Sooner89: The term goodnight is a common thing people say…
BoomerSuener: No lol the really swoony stuff you said about my sweet heart. You feel like you know that from messaging?
Sooner89: I do. Aside from how you talk about your kids and your best friend at work, and reminisce about your mother, without specifics you’ve told me so much about your family, which I can only assume is large. I can’t believe how much you do/coordinate/schedule/plan for them.
BoomerSuener: Sweet? Most of them would call that annoying.
Sooner89: I doubt that.
BoomerSuener: Ignorance is bliss I guess
Sooner89: Talking to you is bliss
BoomerSuener: Ok now who’s the sweetheart?
Sooner89: Please, I barely have a hold of my man card here.
BoomerSuener: LOL Goodnight
Sooner89: Goodnight xx
I silence my phone and close my eyes but I’m…restless. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m rummaging in the back of my bottom nightstand drawer, hoping one of the toys hidden there will have some battery life. A small bullet option turns on and as I slide my buzzing fingers below the sheets, I’m not sure what’s got me so bothered, being called sweetheart or…
“That why your pulse is going crazy? Why neither of us can catch our breath right now?”
I don’t think too hard about any of the words, spoken or sent in the app. I focus instead on the sensations and try not to analyze why I very quickly explode harder than I have in months.
I tuck the vibrator back in its hiding spot and drift off to sleep but as I do my mind spins with Pearce’s sweet words and Adam’s confessions, the most concerning of which was that last one.
“I’m not giving up…”