Chapter Eighteen
L ast night they’d undressed , dropped into bed, and fallen asleep within minutes.
This morning, the warm and solid presence of the softly breathing man beside her made Delia think of how much she enjoyed sex just after waking up.
An experience she had, so far, exclusively shared with Gabriel, since he was the only man who’d ever been with her all through the night.
He stirred and reached for her, and she flattened her body against his.
“Mm, good morning,” he mumbled.
“Morning.” She stroked across the plane of his stomach and, encouraged by his sighs, continued to explore until he lifted himself up and leaned in to kiss her.
She slung her arms around his neck and tilted her hips to be even closer, to feel even more of him pressed against her. Their bodies were used to each other, and caresses were natural, instinctive, and pleasurable.
She nuzzled his neck, enjoying the comfortable intimacy that had grown between them. He ran his hand along the side of her body, and her skin electrified.
“Yes,” she whispered, and he took hold of her hips and settled himself above her.
“Delia, look at me.” He held her gaze as he moved, and their breaths took on the same rhythm.
There was an opening, a widening, and for a moment, she surrendered to a deeper connection. She was afloat, secure, and content until she made out the meaning of his words.
“I love you, Delia.”
She broke the intense eye contact and forced a laugh. “Don’t mention the ‘L’ word.”
He withdrew and sat up. “Why not? Why can’t I mention the ‘L’ word ?”
She rested her weight on her elbows and snapped, “Gabriel, we agreed from the start, we’d leave emotions out of it.”
Her pulse hammered, and adrenaline washed through her bloodstream. Was he about to explode their precious friendship with his notions of romantic love?
Angling his head, Gabriel focused on her.
“This is a farce. We’re a couple in all but name, and it’s time to own it.
” He drew an unsteady breath. “You once told me I was a greedy man, and it’s true, I am.
Delia, I want all of you. I don’t want to be loved merely as a good friend you have sex with to get pregnant.
I want it all: children, marriage, the promise of a love that lasts a lifetime. ”
“But these are fairy tales,” she said, “and not the kind that end well.”
“God, Delia, I love you.” He paused. “And I believe you could love me too if you let go of your rigid defenses. Love is nothing to be afraid of.”
All feeling left her limbs, and her vision narrowed. She snatched the duvet to cover herself. “So, you’re telling me how to live now, are you? Just because I don’t want the traditional set-up doesn’t mean I’m ill-adjusted or governed by fear.”
“That’s not what I said. What we have is special. This is more than friendship.” Tears glittered in his eyes. “You don’t care about the external trappings. You only care about me. Don’t tell me it’s all in my imagination.”
Her voice softened when she spoke. If she could only make him understand. “That’s the oxytocin; it’s natural to feel a bit emotional when you have sex with somebody regularly. It’ll pass once we stop being intimate when I’m pregnant.”
“Stop hiding behind science, Delia. It’s not just hormones and biochemistry.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” She jumped out of bed and picked her clothes off the floor.
Her tears spilled, and she was shivering.
“I wanted to keep you in my life forever , and now you’ve gone and ruined it with your sentimentality.
” Red hot anger stoked a furnace in her stomach.
They had agreed, and now he was trying to upend their arrangement.
He had never listened, had never taken her seriously.
She glanced at him in the ensuing silence. His face had become a rigid mask. No sign of any warm feelings. But no matter what she said, he’d always want her to be someone she was not. There was no other way. She had to let him go.
He dressed hurriedly and left her flat without another word. Tears were already choking her before the door closed behind him. Gabriel was gone, and all her dreams were in tatters.
~ * ~
O nce inside his battered Land Rover, Gabriel rested his forehead against the steering wheel. A sharp pain pierced his solar plexus, and sobs shook him. The heady, intense, and emotional time with Delia had come to an end, and he was powerless to change it.
A relationship was out of the question; she wouldn’t allow it. And it tore him apart because there was no one, no other love in their way, and she did love him. He was sure of it. His soul was on familiar terms with hers—they had touched, had understood one another.
But she was so determined to guard her heart that she had smashed their happiness to pieces. Now he would never be the father of her child. He rooted around the glove compartment for a tissue when a knock on his car window made him jump.
A man with sandy hair and a serious expression in his gray eyes opened the driver door and said, “Mate, get out, we’re going for a beer.”
“Who are you?” Gabriel asked, too stunned to be angry.
“I’m Tom, Delia’s brother.”
Gabriel stared at him, his brain still fuzzy with anguish, and deliberated whether to accept the offer.
What did he have to lose? He might even get some sort of explanation.
“Yes, sure, let’s meet at the Black Swan.
I’d better drive in; I don’t want Delia to see my car parked in front of her house. ”
“Yep, see you there.” Tom slammed the car door shut.
It was a dicey journey, given the state he was in, but Gabriel made it to the town center in one piece. He entered the traditionally furnished pub and searched the dimly lit room. The Black Swan was nearly empty, and Delia’s brother was already at the bar.
Tom gave him a small wave. “Pint?” he asked.
“Yes, please.” Gabriel smiled, uncertain.
What a surreal situation. He was in the pub with a total stranger who had witnessed him in floods of tears earlier on. After Delia had broken his heart, or to be precise, after she had liberated him from his delusions.
Her position had never changed. He had made the move from friendship, to lust, to love, all by himself. Easy to blame her but also unfair.
Tom passed him a pint of lager and led the way to the snug.
“Sorry to pounce on you, but I couldn’t pass you by.
I was going to drop in to see if Delia had remembered to get the kid’s science set for my daughter, when I spotted you in the car.
Knowing my sister, I had a fair idea of what had happened. ”
“How did you recognize me?” Gabriel asked.
“The other day Delia sent me a picture of the two of you in some concert.”
“Oh, yes.” Gabriel swallowed hard. After the concert, he’d known for sure that he loved her.
“I’m aware of your plan to have a baby together.” Tom scratched his head.
“Well, that plan is out the window now.” Gabriel struggled to give his voice an even timbre.
“Yes, so it would seem.” Tom pressed his lips together.
What exactly did Delia’s brother have in mind with this drink? Did he pity Gabriel but regret his decision to speak to him? Gabriel chewed the inside of his cheek and waited for him to elaborate.
Tom took a sip of his beer. “Listen, this may seem a bit weird to you, but I do believe you need a few facts. Some background information if you will. You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
Gabriel studied his fingers clutching the pint glass but managed a nod.
“And she refused to enter into a relationship.” Tom stated it as a fact.
Gabriel gave another nod, suppressing tears that threatened to wash away his composure. He’d been foolish to believe Delia would change her ways for him.
“She talked about you more than once.” Tom rubbed his forehead. “I never bothered to learn the names of her previous flings, but the name ‘Gabriel’ came up so often, I couldn’t help but remember.”
Gabriel held his breath. She had talked about him? Hope flared like a magnesium fire—silly, unfounded, irrational hope.
“But,” Tom continued, “Delia’s afraid, and the man she opens up to is yet to be born. Your feelings, I’d say, weren’t unfounded. It’s only that her fear of getting hurt is much stronger than her need for love and connection.”
Gabriel studied Tom’s face. “But why? She did allude to not having had the best of role models, but surely as an adult in her own life...”
Tom gave a mirthless laugh. “Long story.” He took a swig of beer, then put his pint glass down.
“I’m not sure how you grew up, but in our house, there was always conflict between our parents.
That’s what I remember when I think of my childhood.
Tension in the air, a constant heavy, joyless atmosphere.
Nothing was ever light. Nothing was ever fun.
Our parents were unhappy together yet unable to let go of each other.
In short, our parents’ marriage was a shit show, and Delia and I had front row seats. ”
“Oh, I’m...” Gabriel cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Ah, you know, it’s a common story. Nothing out of the ordinary.
In a sense, Delia’s reaction to the idea of marriage is more natural than mine.
I guess I was lucky meeting Anjali when I was young, idealistic, and convinced I could do things differently, better.
And we did, my wife and I. Delia, she got so caught up in her studies.
Science is hard, you must be totally committed, and there was never much space for a proper relationship.
She has a great mind, but her fierce ambition sometimes drives her to disregard her needs.
“See, our dad gave her the idea she was never good enough, made her feel guilty for being the reason he stayed in an unhappy marriage. She was the ‘reconciliation baby’ after he’d had an affair.
It’s easier for a boy, all you have to do is to become a better man.
But for her to trust in men after that early experience. ..”
Gabriel grabbed the edge of the table with both hands. “That instrumentalization of children makes my blood boil.”
Tom grimaced. “Exactly. Of course, my dad didn’t stop having affairs.
He counted on my mum to keep the facade of the happy family intact, which made her miserable and bitter.
All throughout Delia’s childhood, Mum gave her ominous warnings about men.
Delia hated it so much. She wanted a life different from that of her mother, a woman who had stayed in an unhappy marriage where she wasn’t respected.
The number one lesson Delia took away from that sorry mess was that she couldn’t trust a man especially if she loved him.
So, independence it is. Don’t get attached so you won’t get hurt or abandoned. ”
Gabriel gasped. It was a world away from how he’d grown up, the only child of parents who doted on each other. If only Delia had allowed him to give her all the love and security she craved.
“Our parents separated eventually, but by then, I had already left home, and Delia was on her way to university.” Tom shifted in his seat.
“Now, I’ve probably made a mistake telling you this, been disloyal to my sister, or something.
I didn’t mean to give you hope. I fear there is none.
But when I spotted you in bits in front of her house.
.. Well, you should at least know a few things that may help you put the matter to rest. Closure and all that. ”
Gabriel sucked in air; his chest too tight to properly take it in. This was as much as he could process. He hadn’t even finished his pint and was still able to drive. “Tom, thanks, I owe you a pint, but I’d rather go home now.”
“No worries.” Tom put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I would have loved nothing more than for you and Delia—” He broke off, probably recognizing the remark as far from helpful.
“Thank you for this.” Gabriel shook Tom’s hand and left the pub.