Chapter 23 #3
“Leo—”
“No, wait, Dad, before you say anything,” Leo starts. “I just want—well, I just want to tell you myself. That it’s true.” His shoulders rise a little. “I’m, um, I’m gay.”
Leo turns his gaze down to his knees, and he listens for a response from his dad.
“This is about where we sat when we watched Roddick win, isn’t it?
” Johnny asks. Leo’s brow furrows in confusion.
He waits before saying anything back. “God, I remember that day so well. This place went ballistic when he won. Even Roddick was blubbering like a baby.” He chuckles.
“It’s always strange to see it so quiet in here.
Strange to see how this place still sits here even when there isn’t anything happening inside. ”
“Dad—”
“I remember that day so well because it was the happiest I had been in a while,” Johnny continues.
“I wasn’t always the happiest guy when you were a kid, and I regret that.
But having MS was still so new to me. I still resented it so much then.
I even resented tennis, if you can believe it.
So many people saw me differently. I wasn’t a successful player to them anymore.
I was just my illness. It was a hard pill to swallow. ”
Leo’s eyes are glued to the side of his dad’s face, who’s staring out at the stadium. There are more grooves and lines in it than he remembered.
“I had a relapse not long before that final with Roddick. I don’t know if you remember that,” Johnny says.
“I don’t think so,” Leo says.
“Good. I’m glad you don’t,” Johnny says.
“I started to feel better physically, but I was having a hard time finding my way out of that funk. You and I had already been hitting together for a few years at that point, and I thought, What if someday I can’t play with Leo anymore?
I was so angry with tennis, with the world.
But that afternoon, watching Roddick win with you, it brightened things for me.
Yeah, I was over the moon to see an American guy win, but seeing how excited you were …
man. You were high fiving people around you, smiling so big, telling me how it was the best day of your life. ”
Johnny chuckles again.
“Sharing that with you kind of snapped me out of it,” he says.
“I think I forgot what it felt like to root for something. I remembered why I fell in love with tennis in the first place, and I loved seeing it happen for you, too. Even if I couldn’t play like I used to, I knew I could still share this sport with you, and maybe you don’t want to hear this right now, but I knew I would be watching you win it someday, too. ”
Leo’s lower lip is quivering a bit. He’s staring at his knees.
“I don’t know if I can,” he says. A couple tears fall onto his legs as he remembers Gabe’s shorter line when they bartended in Delray, the sponsors Gabe lost, the online comments, the hate from Sascha.
“What if people don’t want to root for me anymore? ”
“Just indulge your old man for a little longer,” Johnny says.
“Even while I started to feel some symptoms of MS, I kept playing. I would lose my balance during a match or forget it was time for a changeover, stuff like that. Every day, I hoped nobody noticed, hoped it would go away. But it didn’t, and so eventually I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed.
I tried to hide it for a bit longer, but it was getting harder and harder.
I thought announcing my diagnosis and my retirement would be the worst thing in the world, and of course it hurt like hell, but to be honest with you, I felt free.
I felt like I was on a tightrope before that.
It was this balancing act, trying to hide my symptoms from everybody.
I was happier and more relieved to leave that part of my life behind than I’d expected, even if it did come with new challenges. ”
Before Leo can speak—though, he’s not even sure what to say—Johnny turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
“You might not feel it right now, but Leo, you’ll feel that happiness, too, that relief.
I know it’s not exactly the same thing, what I went through and what you’re going through now.
But you don’t have to hide anymore, either.
You get to be honest about who you are. You’ll get to connect with people and know that they’re with you, the real you, one hundred percent, not just who they think you are.
That’s not something everybody gets to have,” Johnny says.
“I’m with you, one hundred percent. I love you. You know that, right?”
Leo nods as more tears stream down his cheeks.
“You could’ve told me,” Johnny says.
“It’s not that easy,” Leo says.
“I know. God, I just hate that you had to deal with all this while worrying about me, too.”
“No, no, that’s not a big—”
“Leo, it is. It is a big deal. You don’t have to sugarcoat it for me anymore.
You told me yourself that you worry about me.
And that isn’t fair,” Johnny says, and he lets out another sigh.
“I guess I’ve tried to protect you from it as much as I could.
I tried to shove the MS aside, and then the stroke.
That’s what I was doing when we were on the podcast together, too.
Trying to be strong in front of you, in front of Paul.
” He grimaces. “Fucking Paul. I tried to keep my distance from you early in the season. But that didn’t really work, did it? ”
Leo shakes his head.
“We’ve both kind of been suffering in silence, huh?” Johnny says.
“I never wanted to make you feel different or like I didn’t want you there,” Leo says. “I know how people have treated you. But I do worry about you. You push yourself so hard sometimes, and I guess it—it just feels like you don’t see how that affects me.”
“I’m so sorry, Leo,” Johnny says. “I never wanted that for you. But I’m telling you, it’s not on you to take care of me, okay? You don’t have to tell me what to do when it’s hot or—”
“But I do have to!” Leo shouts.
“You don’t,” Johnny says, shaking his head. “I know what’s best for me. I know how this body operates pretty well by now. If you’re really worried, just ask me if I need anything. When you tell me what to do, it’s not good for either of us. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” Leo says sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to apologize for,” Johnny says, waving him off. “This is on me. You’ve had to be an adult for too long. I think Brian’s helped you be a kid again, though, hasn’t he?”
Leo’s cautious not to be too eager about how much he’s loved his one-on-one time with Brian this season. “I guess so.”
“We had a little talk after you and I got into it back in London,” Johnny says.
“I think he could tell I was having a hard time letting you go, seeing you succeed with another coach. I was so desperate to get back to how things were while I still could. I know I was putting too much pressure on you. Brian told me I needed to lighten up. I’m sure you could tell I was having a hard time. ”
“No, I—”
Johnny shoots him a look that says, Don’t even try.
“He’s helped you find the joy in this sport again.
That joy you had when we watched Roddick.
I’ve seen that in you this season. That was another hard pill for me to swallow.
But it’s a good thing,” Johnny says, and he turns back toward the stadium.
“Especially because it’ll just be you and him next season. ”
“So, you’re definitely going to”—Leo hesitates before saying it—“retire, then?”
“I think it’s time to hang up the racket. Not for good. Don’t think I won’t be coming to some of your matches and practices still. But yeah, you and Brian are a damn good team. And I’m, well, I’m really fucking tired, to be honest.”
A laugh jumps out of Leo unexpectedly. “It’s going to be weird doing this without you next year,” he says.
“I know,” Johnny says.
“What do you think you’ll do?”
“Not sure yet,” Johnny says. “Maybe get a dog.”
“I know a guy,” Leo says, smiling. “Ever heard of Pawsitive Futures?”
“That’s right!” Johnny says, his eyes lighting up.
After a beat, Leo needs to say it. “I hope I don’t let you down. I hope I haven’t.”
“Leo,” Johnny says, “you could never let me down. Okay?”
Leo swallows. “Okay.”
They sit in silence for a minute.
“So, what are you gonna do when you get out there tomorrow?” Johnny asks as he stands.
“Uh, I don’t know, try not to puke all over the court?” Leo asks.
“Hold your own,” Johnny says. “You’re gonna hold your own.”
Leo looks out at the stadium. He nods.
As they ascend the steps to leave, Johnny says, “That’s for you, by the way.”
Leo looks up, peering through the gap in the stadium where there’s a clear view of the Manhattan skyline in the distance. The top of the Empire State Building is lit in rainbow colors.