Chapter 21 #2
“Kane. One minute, we were strangers tossed together from a rental snafu, and the next we—”
“You started a no-strings-attached friends-with-benefits situation?”
“I—” She squints at me. “No, not quite. But we didn’t put a label on it either. Is that what you guys are?”
“Um, no!” I look away and cough awkwardly. “We haven’t really discussed what we are, but it’s temporary. It’s just—it’s casual.”
My face must be hell-red.
There’s a quiet desperation in my voice.
“And it’s also a secret,” I say, just in case she wants to blab to anyone like Kane or Ethan. “I don’t want Kit finding out.”
“Wait, who’s Kit?”
“His daughter.” I give another sigh, inwardly this time.
“Holden has a daughter?” She’s yelling.
“Margot! Inside voice.”
“But we’re outside. No one cares.” She gestures at the park across the street. “I could yell that you’re sleeping with him to the entire city, and no one would look twice.” She cups her hands to her mouth like she’s about to, and I grab her wrist.
“Don’t you dare!”
We both burst into laughter as I fight her.
“You suck so much. But thanks, I needed that trip back to high school,” I say.
“Totally did. Now, give me tea.” Her eyes gleam with mischief. “Whose kid is it? Was he married?”
“It doesn’t matter. She’s only ten and she’s so sweet. And no, he’s not married. He’s not involved with anyone anymore.”
“Don’t you count? I’d say that’s involved.” She reads my face like a book.
“We’re not—”
“But you are. I can see it in your eyes. You’ve caught feelings.”
Why even try to deny it?
I drop my head into my hands, hiding the blush that’s spreading up my neck.
“This isn’t like me. I swear.”
“Oh, I know. You don’t do random hookups or go after older guys. What happened?”
“I don’t know. I used to hate him when I was a kid. When we reconnected over the will, I thought he was awful. Didn’t think he had a life beyond work. But once I got to know him…”
“Things got sexy?”
I straighten up and glare. “I realized he was actually a decent guy.”
“Oh, well, yeah. That too.” She takes one last drink and puts the glass down beside my hand. “You’ve been through this before, right? Serious dating?”
…that’s not what this is.
But obviously, I’ve dated.
With Finley, I got pretty serious for a few months, until I found out he was throwing around my pics for his eyes only like trading cards.
After that, I knew casual was it until I could find a guy more grown up. A man who wouldn’t be such an immature emotional troll.
When Holden and I started our fling, serious wasn’t on the radar.
But before I could blink, before I could breathe, we’re in this grey place, uncomfortable and awkward and messy. There’s this longing in the pit of my stomach that won’t go cold.
“He scares me,” I admit, my voice weak. “He makes me scare myself. I want to be with him even when we’re not just stressing over egg thieves and museums. I like waking up with him. I love the way he humors me. I miss the way he makes me smile. And I… I want to paint him.”
“Oh, shit. It’s worse than I thought.” She sighs. “You’re in love.”
Total uppercut.
Holy crap, no. I’m not in love.
I can’t be in love with Holden Verity.
Maybe I’ve let this go too far and caught a nasty case of wishes, but that’s as far as it goes.
Love, that’s a whole different ballgame. A different freaking arena.
Different rules and bigger disasters.
A thousand different ways to die from heartbreak.
“I knew this would happen, too,” Margot says while I stew. “Proof you’re a Blackthorn girl, after all.”
“Blackthorn or not, I’m practical,” I hiss.
“Screw practical, that’s boring. Does he make you happy every time you wake up the next morning? Because if he does, it’s not just sex.”
My mouth twists open helplessly, but there’s no way I can deny it. And I don’t want to because he’s a god between the sheets.
“Yes,” I say. “It’s… it’s good. Really good.”
“I knew it.” She laughs loudly, clasping her hands together and throwing me this doe-eyed look. “You’re so lucky. This is every teenage fantasy come true.”
She laughs again.
I wish I could be as lighthearted about it as she is.
For her, it’s fantasy, all right. She’s living vicariously.
Holden was just idle daydreams, never anything serious, and long before she met Kane and got her happily ever after with an older single dad, no less.
We might be cousins, but there’s a massive difference between her situation and mine.
“It’s not gonna work; it’s just fun,” I rush out. “I mean, the age gap, it’s way bigger than yours. We want different things once we get this mess settled. It’s impossible.”
“Oh, you’re in the fun part and you don’t even realize it.”
“The sex?”
“The figuring it out! And okay, the sexy times too. You’re adorable when you blush, by the way.”
I glower.
I’m so not the type of girl who blushes all the time, but I guess admitting to fucking the family bodyguard will do that.
“It’s only the rest of your life. Take your time.” She taps her nails against the table. “I mean, look at me. I never thought in a million years I’d wind up with a grumpy man with a past. He has twins.”
“Okay, fair.” I wince. “One kid seems hard enough.”
“But we made it work, didn’t we? And the kids are awesome. Dan and Sophie make my whole day. Just like you guys, we fought it until we couldn’t, and then we had to merge our worlds. We figured it out, and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.”
I stare at her across the table, studying the way she shines.
She’s sickeningly in love. Not just with Kane Saint, but with her new life.
For a hot second, my jealousy muscle twitches, and I can almost taste the same glory with Holden.
Curled up on the sofa with him and Kit, watching movies in the evenings.
Doing art with Kit while Holden cooks up something scrumptious, then helping him clean up while the kidlet hits the books.
A family life.
A home that’s more than playing house.
A stable, loving nest I never had growing up.
Every day, a new challenge and a fresh surprise.
If he’d stop being dumb, we could take life by the horns together. We could start and end it in each other’s arms. The way we were doing just two days ago, when everything seemed so perfect.
But then my dreams disintegrate.
Holden made it clear he’s not interested in juvenile fantasies. He’s more grounded than I am, and it sucks.
I hate his realism because I can’t prove it’s wrong.
Oh, yes, that rosy glow would last through the honeymoon. And after it ends, the fights would start. Little holes in our lives that stretch into gaping wounds that can’t be patched over.
Little spats at first.
My dreams clashing with his.
Futures pulling apart like broken bones.
Nobody prepared to give up everything, to sacrifice like adults.
I might want to move around for inspiration, and he’d want to stay put in the life he’s carved for his family and himself—the one he had before I came along.
We might still sleep together, but eventually we’d end up as strangers again.
The thought kills me.
There’s nothing lonelier than being with someone and wishing you’d stayed single.
Margot keeps beaming at me with unfiltered enthusiasm, hope shining in her eyes like stars.
I don’t have words to fight her, to rattle off the many reasons this was doomed before it really started. Even though there’s really only one reason, and it isn’t hard to see.
Kane wanted Margot completely.
Holden only wants parts of me.
That’s just not enough to bridge the gap when we’re continents apart.
“If you want him, you should lock in. You should fight,” Margot says, stirring her soggy paper straw through what’s left of her drink absently. “Nothing’s ever guaranteed when it comes to this stuff. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll be surprised.”
Yeah, or maybe I’ll have my heart mauled.
Oh, I wish I could borrow her hope.
But I don’t know how to erase my doubts when there’s only one thing certain.
It’s going to be brutal when the day comes where I walk out of Holden’s life.
I come home to an empty house.
When Holden and Kit arrive home, she’s buzzing with her poetry hangover and a new pile of books. Moody McMiserable does his best to ignore me.
Typical Holden.
But after our talk last night, after my meeting with Margot today, the distance between us cuts like a rusty blade. I’m in too deep to walk away without scars.
That awful love word rattles around my brain.
It’s not true—not yet.
It shouldn’t be possible when we’ve only been ‘together’ in the loosest terms for a matter of weeks.
But I can’t help dwelling on it as Kit joins me at the canvas while I try to wrap up my texture masterpiece today. As I help her with accent paints and plaster glue, showing her how to dab enough on so it all holds firm but doesn’t show, I plan the conversation I’d like to have with her daddy.
I imagine what he’ll say.
My stomach knots.
Kit’s so wrapped up in the project like the little perfectionist she is. She doesn’t notice my feelings, and when we’re finished, she spins around to face Holden working on his laptop.
“Dad, look!”
He glances up with a shadow smile, deliberately avoiding my eyes.
“Oh, hey. Looks like you made it rain gold. Cool effect,” he says.
“I was going for snow! Gold snow. The kind you’d see with dragons flying around the mountains,” Kit announces proudly.
Holden nods.
She beams under his praise. I wait for Holden to look at me, to give me his small nod of gratitude and show he appreciates me indulging his little girl.
Instead, his eyes flick back to his laptop.
The hole in my belly deepens and my palms go clammy.
I know we need to confront this, but I’m dreading it. I want to flip him off and run upstairs, press my face to the pillow, and cry.
For Kit’s sake, I keep it together.
She’s adorably oblivious, chattering on about some local poet who did a dramatic reading about lost seagulls. I can just see Holden hunkered next to her in a flimsy library chair too small for him, his arms folded, trying not to roll his eyes right out of his head.