Chapter 13
‘No,’ says Tilly. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘Why not?’
‘Why not? I can think of lots of reasons why someone might not want to stand up and sing in front of a bar full of strangers.’
They have relocated to a different bar a little further along the beach, this one with a glittering disco ball hanging from its straw roof above a small stage and a DJ booth.
‘But you’ve always loved karaoke!’ says Harper, the light from the disco ball catching the sequins on her top and making her sparkle.
Despite never having been much of a ‘joiner-iner’ as Ellen Carter put it all those years ago, for some reason it’s always been different when it comes to karaoke.
It’s the one time Tilly allows herself to let go of her inhibitions.
Memories flood her mind of nights spent singing her heart out with her sister and friends.
The first time Joe joined for a karaoke night, Tilly expected him to sit with a beer, shaking his head and laughing affectionately at the transformation of his bookish girlfriend into a diva on stage.
But to her surprise he got up and delivered a memorable performance of Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’, flinging himself down on to his knees and stretching his arms out dramatically towards Tilly, making everyone cry with laughter.
‘I know. But that was before. I don’t feel like it now.’
There’s a buzz in the bar as people step up to give the DJ their song choices.
‘Go on,’ urges Harper. ‘I really think you’ll have fun if you give it a go.’
‘I don’t want to.’
But Harper doesn’t back down. ‘One teeny, tiny song. Pleaase?’
She presses her hands together in prayer and her face is so encouraging and the coconut daiquiri has softened Tilly’s edges so much that she pulls herself to her feet.
‘Fuck it. Fine.’
Harper whoops and Tilly walks to the stage.
‘Are you sure?’ the DJ asks when she gives him her song choice.
‘I’m sure.’
A middle-aged man does a surprisingly good Freddie Mercury impression and there’s an especially enthusiastic performance of Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’, which has Tilly wondering whether the woman singing it has been wanting to get that off her chest for a long time.
Eventually it’s Tilly’s turn. The DJ calls her name and Tilly steps up to the stage.
There’s a moment’s hush as Tilly stands in front of the microphone, a spotlight illuminating her face and shards of light from the disco ball dancing across her body.
From here she can see the whole bar and out to the gently swaying palm trees and the sea lapping against the shore.
The air is warm and sweet, the moon just rising and glowing above the inky sea.
Then a song that’s very different to any that have played so far this evening fills the space, the bar quietening at the sound of the haunting opening chords.
Tilly can see people glancing warily at one another as Sinéad O’Connor’s hit song floats above their heads from the speakers.
She had wanted to make Harper laugh with a choice that is so out of step with the surroundings, but as the words to ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ appear on the screen for her to follow it doesn’t seem ironic.
She is aware that she is probably a little drunk but at the same time feels suddenly sober. And she misses Joe with every single cell in her body.
Nothing compares …
Nothing compares …
She can see the expressions on people’s faces as they shift uncomfortably in their seats.
The DJ looks anxiously at her as though he doesn’t know what to do, and Tilly doesn’t know what to do either because she is suddenly halfway through a karaoke song that she knows she can’t finish, a whole bar full of people watching her.
She takes a faltering breath, trying to hold it together.
‘Nothing …’ But her voice fails her. She stumbles off the stage, the backing track continuing to play as she runs out of the bar and on to the beach.
‘Tilly, wait!’
Her feet sink in the soft sand as she pushes her way through groups of people, stumbling away from the bar and down to the water’s edge. She feels a warmth at her wrist as Harper catches up with her and places her hand on her arm.
‘OK, maybe karaoke was a bad idea. I’m sorry. Why don’t we go and have another drink somewhere else?’
‘Stop, Harper.’
‘I saw this other bar that looked –’
‘JUST LET ME BE SAD!’
Even through her tears Tilly can see the startled, hurt expression on her sister’s face.
‘I just want to try and make you feel better.’
‘But you can’t make me feel better. Stop telling me to have fun. Stop telling me that it’s going to be OK. It’s not OK. Just let it be not OK. Joe died …’
‘I know,’ says Harper, her voice cracking now too, her make-up smudging as she wipes her face with the back of her hand.
‘He died, he died, he –’ Tilly can’t get her words out any more.
Harper wraps her arms tightly around her. At first Tilly resists, struggling to break free. But Harper doesn’t let go.
‘I know,’ she whispers into her sister’s hair, her breath warm and smelling of coconut and rum. ‘I’m so sorry, Tilly. I’m so, so sorry.’
And as Harper keeps her arms clamped tightly around her, Tilly finally lets herself be held.
The water laps gently back and forth in front of them, lights from the bar reflecting on the surface of the shallow waves.
‘So …’ says Harper.
‘So …’
They are sat side by side on the sand, their bare legs stretched out in front of them.
‘With hindsight it probably wasn’t the best choice of song.’
She expects her sister to laugh but instead Harper reaches for her hand and squeezes it.
‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.
I really did think it might help, but seeing you up there on your own like that …
I saw how much pain you’re still in. Since the start of the trip I’ve been wanting to cheer you up and make things better.
But you’re right, it’s not fair of me to just try to brush that pain away. ’
Tilly squeezes her sister’s hand back.
‘Thank you. I do appreciate you wanting to help. But I don’t need you feeling like you always have to look after me, or cheer me up or push me to move on. I just need you to be with me.’
Harper nods, swallowing hard.
‘OK.’
They sit in silence, the sea breeze brushing against their faces.
‘Joe would have loved it here,’ says Harper.
‘He would.’
They stay like that for a while, not talking, just side by side, watching the sea. Then Tilly glances back towards the bar, catching a glimmer of light from the disco ball. Viewed from a distance on the dark beach, the bar looks inviting, lit up and buzzing with noise and light and laughter.
‘Let’s go back for a bit.’
‘Are you sure? I’d be fine to go back to our room and get an early night.’
But Tilly is already standing up, brushing the sand from her dress and reaching her hand down to haul Harper up.
‘Come on, I think we need another go.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Seriously. But I’m not doing it on my own this time.’
When Tilly takes to the stage again it’s with Harper at her side. As the intro to their song plays they spot a group of women in their fifties in matching sarongs leaping up from their table.
‘We’re family too!’ they shout as the opening riff of Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Family’ begins to play and Tilly and Harper sing along loudly, grinning at each other.
‘Then come up here!’ calls Harper, beckoning the women to join them on the stage.
There’s hardly space for them all but they jostle and dance together, singing their lungs out.
Up there on the stage beneath the glowing lanterns and glittering disco ball, Tilly thinks back to the tears she shed on the beach. Crying like that had emptied her out completely. But maybe she needed to feel empty so that this moment could fill her right back up again.