Chapter 23
The park beneath Primrose Hill is busy with people: dog walkers throwing sticks, and couples strolling beneath the trees heavy with blossom.
It’s one of the first warm days of spring and there is an ice-cream van parked optimistically on the road nearby, getting decent business judging by the sight of people walking past clutching Mister Whippy cones, some still in knitwear but others bare-legged.
Tilly pauses at the bottom of the hill to tighten the laces on her running trainers.
‘Right, Joe,’ she says under her breath as she straightens, fixing her eyes on the steep path ahead of her. ‘I suppose I’d better do this.’
She makes it less than halfway up the hill before having to stop, veering off the path and throwing herself on to the grass. Her chest rises and falls rapidly and she flops backwards, staring up at the sky.
‘Jesus, did I really use to enjoy this?’
What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami sits reproachfully on the coffee table, Tilly’s trainers kicked off underneath.
‘I’m not sure I ever want to put them back on again,’ she says, giving them a shove. ‘I didn’t make it to the top of the hill but I did get a blister.’
‘But you and Joe used to love running,’ Harper replies as she pours tea from Tilly’s favourite Alice in Wonderland-themed teapot.
‘I don’t think anyone ever loves running, they just love how they feel after they’ve been running. And I don’t even love that right now …’
‘I bet this guy loves running,’ Harper says, gesturing towards the book. ‘You don’t write a whole book about running unless you love running. And you don’t give a book to someone about running unless you love running, either. Joe loved running.’
‘That’s true.’
She tried earlier to imagine Joe running alongside her, cheering her on. Mouse, you can do it, he would have said. But it didn’t stop the aching in her legs or the way her heart hammered as though knocking at her ribs and telling her to please, just stop!
‘I guess he’s trying to nudge you back into running again with this month’s book, then?’ says Harper.
It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since Tilly’s Paris trip, Harper having been away on a work trip to Montenegro when Tilly got back.
On that first evening back the flat had felt even emptier than ever, after a few weeks hanging out with Cécile and the Paris Grief Gang.
But their WhatsApp group has continued pinging with messages ever since.
‘How long has it been since you last ran?’
‘About eighteen months.’
‘Wow. Joe would have made an excellent personal trainer, he’s literally managing to motivate you from beyond the grave. Only Joe –’ Harper looks up suddenly and meets Tilly’s eye. ‘Sorry, that was too much.’
‘No, it’s OK, you’re right. Only Joe. Here, read the letter and then I’ll tell you why I asked you to come over.’
‘Not just to catch up with your favourite sister?’ Harper says with a raised eyebrow as Tilly slips the letter out of the back of the book and hands it over.
‘That, too, but there’s something else. Read first. I’ll go get biscuits, we definitely need biscuits.’
The flat is so small that the kitchen area is just a step away from the sofa, meaning Tilly can hear clearly as Harper reads Joe’s latest words out loud.
Dear Tilly,
Is the sun shining yet? I’ve always loved London in the spring.
Cherry blossom and magnolia trees, rose gardens and bandstands – London’s parks were made for spring.
And they were made for running. Doing loops around Primrose Hill and down the canal to Regent’s Park made me fall in love with this city.
(A certain redhead might have had something to do with it too.)
I’ve never been one for words so I’ve borrowed another’s to express how I feel about running. I listened to this as an audiobook while running a few years ago, and it’s stayed with me because so much of it matched how I feel about being a runner.
Murakami talks about running every day being one of the best habits he ever cultivated and it making him better able to face life. I’d have to agree.
There is part of me that hopes you can have that too, that something that meant so much to me can bring you the same thing.
But if it’s not running then maybe it’s something else.
Maybe it’s reading. Maybe it’s walking up Primrose Hill – our hill – and taking in the view.
Maybe it’s keeping up your knitting and crochet and all the other crafts you do that I don’t know all the names for but that I know make you happy.
Either way, I hope you’re making time for the things that help you feel better able to face life.
And the other reason I chose this book is because you never used to think that you could become a runner. You didn’t think you could make it to the top of the hill. But you did. I want to remind you of that – especially on the days when you don’t feel like you can get through this.
And remember, I will always, always be cheering you on, even if I’m not there to enjoy this spring with you.
I love you.
Joe x
Harper folds the letter and reaches for a tissue on the coffee table.
‘That’s some letter,’ she says as she blows her nose.
‘I know. So, I need to tell you something.’ Tilly places a spotty biscuit tin down on the table. ‘I’ve signed up to do the Royal Parks Half-Marathon in October.’
Harper pauses from reaching for a biscuit, her eyes widening.
‘I thought you said you didn’t want to put your trainers back on ever again?’
‘I don’t.’
‘So you signed up to a marathon … because?’
When she hears it like that it does sound slightly crazy.
‘Half-marathon,’ she corrects, helping herself to a chocolate cookie.
‘I’m not completely insane. And I signed up because I need something to motivate me.
Running meant so much to Joe. It might make me feel closer to him.
But I don’t know if I’d keep it up without a goal.
He used to be so good at keeping me going. This way I can’t not do it.’
‘Well, I guess that does make some sort of weird sense …’
‘And there’s another thing that’s going to help me do it too,’ adds Tilly. ‘You’re doing it with me.’
‘What?’ Harper stares at Tilly, a look of terror flashing in her eyes. And she’s a woman who has bungee jumped on four continents.
‘I signed us both up. I thought it would be a nice sisterly thing to do. A way to spend time together.’
‘Couldn’t we have just gone for coffee?’
‘We can do that as well …’
Harper rubs her face. She takes a beat.
‘I love spending time with you, Sis, but I hate running. Could you not have done a climbing or abseiling or kayaking challenge instead? Then I’d happily be there with you. I can’t run a half-marathon.’
‘Neither can I. But if we train together, we’ll both be able to. It’s just like Joe said. We can do anything. And you’re so fit from all your adventuring, I bet you’ll find running easy.’
‘I seriously doubt that. I don’t think running is supposed to be easy.’
Tilly glances again at the copy of What I Talk About When I Talk About Running.
She thinks back to the words Joe wrote and to some of the passages she has already read in the book, about how running is hard and you have to be disciplined but it can bring you a sense of peace.
She could do with some peace in her life.
‘Please,’ she says, feeling desperate now. ‘I want to do this for Joe. But I don’t think I can do it on my own.’
Harper lets out a sigh.
‘You know, it’s very hard to say no to you.’