Chapter 24 #2
‘… but I’m OK with all of that. Because I never for a second thought I’d be lucky enough to have even a little bit of this life we have.
I promise I won’t make you turn the bedside light out when you’ve still got a chapter left to go.
I promise to always keep spare space in my suitcase when we go on holiday so you can fill it with books.
And I promise I won’t ever rush you when you’re browsing.
Because I might not be much of a reader but I know how happy books make you.
And all I want is to make you happy, Tilly. ’
As she remembers that day her eyes fill, blurring the view of the canal in front of her.
‘Your mother-in-law did what?’ Alfie splutters.
The sound pulls Tilly back to the present, to the light on the water, the trees rustling above her and Alfie’s presence at her side, his face twisted in shock.
‘At Thanksgiving dinner, of all moments.’
Memories from that meal come rushing back to her: the smell of turkey and cranberries, how handsome Joe looked in his shirt and chinos because his mother always liked them to dress up for celebration dinners.
And Ellen saying across the table, ‘Are you sure you’ve really thought this through?’
The way Tilly’s stomach dropped at the words.
‘Wow, that must have been awful,’ says Alfie. ‘How did Joe take it?’
‘Not well. There was this big blow-up argument.’
And yet later that day, when it was just the two of them down by the lake, Joe locked eyes with her and said, ‘Maybe my mum has a point.’
Tilly’s heart gives a squeeze now and she lets out a breath.
‘It was never really talked about again after that. We got through the rest of the trip playing nice and pretending it hadn’t happened.
And then we went back to London. Six months later Joe got sick.
’ Her voice catches, remembering the day he told her about his diagnosis.
She’d had her own news to tell him and couldn’t wait to get home to share it with him. But she never got the chance to.
‘We pulled together a small wedding quickly – just family. His parents and siblings flew over for it, and no one mentioned the conversation that had happened at Thanksgiving. Joe died nine months after our wedding.’
‘Tilly,’ says Alfie, pausing on the path and reaching out to place a hand on her arm, forcing her to stop walking too.
She’s aware that her breathing has become rapid but as his warm hand rests gently on her arm she forces herself to take steadying breaths. He doesn’t say anything, simply waits and watches, not turning away from her pain.
Once she’s regained control of her breathing, she continues, ‘I’m so glad we got to get married.
Despite whatever my in-laws might have said in the past. I’m so glad that he was my husband, even if we didn’t get long.
I haven’t seen my in-laws since the funeral.
But now my mother-in-law has invited me to go to America in July to spend the anniversary of Joe’s death with them.
She’s also said she wants us to have a “talk”, although I have no idea what she could have to say to me.
I feel like I should go. But I’m just not sure I can face it.
It will be hard enough to get through the day, without having to be away from home, among my in-laws, and with all our issues simmering in the background. ’
She lets out another breath, aware of how much she has just dumped on Alfie. But he doesn’t seem weighed down by it. He waits for a beat longer as if checking she has finished.
‘Thank you for trusting me with all of that. You’ve been through so much.
It makes complete sense why you wouldn’t want to go and see them after the way they treated you, especially not on Joe’s anniversary.
Anniversaries can be really tough. I remember the first one for my dad.
I kept telling myself it was just a day like any other.
Why should I feel the grief more keenly on any specific day?
But it hit me hard. I was a mess. Give yourself space.
And don’t worry about other people. You need to do what’s right for you on that day. No one else.’
It’s as though a weight has lifted in Tilly’s chest. Just having spoken it all out loud has made her feel lighter.
‘Thank you. And maybe you’re right. But I know I can’t keep putting Ellen off forever. She can be persistent. And if she has something to tell me, I probably owe it to Joe to at least listen. Part of me does want to hear what she has to say. But I’m not sure I’m ready.’
‘And that’s OK. But you’ll get there.’
‘I hope so.’
‘Just think of how far you’ve come already this year.
You’ve got back into reading. You’ve been to Bali, and you spent three weeks in Paris by yourself.
You quit your job. You’re training for a half-marathon.
Your mother-in-law sounds like a nightmare, and you’d have every right never to see her again if that’s what you wanted.
But if hearing what she has to say feels important to you, or if you think it might help you get closure, then you’ll handle it when you’re ready, just like you’ve handled everything else this year. ’
A quiet descends, the two of them watching the reflections on the water, Tilly’s heart thumping hard inside her chest.
Alfie glances at his watch. ‘Shit, I hadn’t realized the time. I should probably get to the shop. Only if you’re OK, though?’
‘I am. Thank you. I should probably get back to running.’
‘Are you sure? I can stay if you need me to.’
‘No, it’s OK. I actually feel like running now. Sorry for making you late.’
‘Don’t apologize, it’s fine. And if you ever want to talk again – about anything – you’re always welcome at the shop.
Or if you just want to sit and read – the shop isn’t just for when you need to collect a book or choose something new.
The door is always open. Well, metaphorically speaking.
I do sleep occasionally. And not at the shop. ’
He smiles then, and she smiles back.
‘Thank you. I appreciate the metaphorical door. And you listening to me.’
He fixes her with his brown eyes.
‘Any time.’
He can’t help it.
Before Alfie pedals out of sight he cranes to look over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of Tilly’s wavy ginger ponytail swinging and her pale arms pumping with a determination that makes his lips twitch into a smile. She doesn’t turn to look back. Of course she doesn’t.
‘Hey, watch where you’re going!’
Alfie swerves just in time to miss the oncoming dog walker. For the second time that morning he narrowly avoids ending up in the canal.
When Tilly arrives home she composes an email to her mother-in-law before she can change her mind.
From: tillynightingalereads@
To: ellen.carter.64@
Subject: Joe’s memorial
Dear Ellen,
I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch for a while.
A lot has happened for me over the past few months.
I recently left my job at Splash, having decided to take some time out.
I went to Paris in April and have been enjoying learning to cook thanks to a Delia Smith cookbook.
And, inspired by Joe, I’m getting back into running and have even signed up for a half-marathon in October. I wanted to do something to honour him.
Thank you for the invitation to join you for Joe’s anniversary. I really appreciate you including me. I think for this first one I need to be on my own, though. I’ll be thinking of you all on the day.
I hope you, Hank and the rest of the family are well.
Tilly
*
From: ellen.carter.64@
To: tillynightingalereads@
Subject: Re: Joe’s memorial
Understood about the memorial. Would you like to come another time? There are things it would be good to talk to you about that might be better to discuss in person. How about August – for Joe’s birthday? We’d love to have you. Ellen x
Tilly reads the email twice. Her natural instinct is to put Ellen off again and to stay as far away as possible from the house in Connecticut that holds so many memories.
But then she thinks back to her conversation with Alfie by the canal.
Maybe going back and seeing Joe’s family again will help Tilly get closure.
It will be hard to be in the house again and to hear whatever it is that Ellen has to say. But Tilly has done hard things. The past eighteen months have been full of things she never thought she would survive. And yet she’s still here.