Chapter 16
“ELLIE, I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THAT.”
Kara sat on the edge of my bed. I had finally started packing my two suitcases to take with me to New York, and a whole shitload of baggage. But even though she had thrown our status quo into disarray, part of me was relieved to have the weight finally released from my chest.
Kara pressed her hands against the sides of her head, overwrought with guilt.
“I’m so sorry. Cameron was so mad at me.
” She nervously twirled her short hair around her finger until it was knotted.
“He was going on about the time you and Rory stopped being friends when you were sixteen and how it ruined everything. He said it destroyed Rory. And everything changed because Hannah and I disappeared, too. I guess he’s afraid of that happening again. ”
“It’s okay, Kara. I’m not going to pile on. Everyone already knew how I felt, anyway. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious.”
“Have you spoken with Rory?” She pulled on my comforter.
“No. And I don’t want to. I said I loved him, again, multiple times, point-blank, in front of everyone, and he just looked at me.
Granted, we were in the middle of a fight, and I had a boyfriend .
. . what the fuck is wrong with me?” My arms fell to my sides, and I took a deep breath.
I was clearly in the midst of a fight-or-flight response, and I had chosen to flee.
“I was such an asshole to Matt . . . and Rory. I ruined everything. What a way to go,” I sighed.
“Has he called or texted?”
“Yeah. I’m not answering. He’s tried the house, too, but Hannah’s on guard. I can’t deal with it. What’s he going to say? ‘I don’t love you’? ‘It’s too late’? ‘You’re moving to another country’? Like, I know! I need to get some space between us.”
Kara hesitated before she spoke. “You’re going to have another country and a whole continent between you. Are you sure it’s a good idea to ignore him now?”
“Nope. I’m not sure of anything.” My chest heaved. “I’m leaving, Kara. I just need to go. I need to be excited, and I need to go.”
My sister lightly knocked on my bedroom door, interrupting Kara and me. She let herself in. “He called again,” Hannah said, peeking through the open door.
I stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, and took in another deep breath.
“Why does it feel like you’re running away?” Kara asked, as Hannah sat cross-legged on the carpet next to the bed.
“Bronwyn’s orientation is Saturday night. I literally have to go,” I grumbled.
“We know that, but you’re also running away. You’re doing both.” Hannah backed Kara up.
“I have felt so small here for so long. I mean, someone drew a caricature of me on my locker in the eighth grade. Kids threw crap at me when I was onstage for A Midsummer Night’s Dream in the tenth grade.
I once had to fake an orgasm on camera when I was fifteen.
So that exists somewhere. That’s really fun to think about.
” I slammed my clothes into my luggage. “The only place where I liked myself was Juniper. I used to love my life, and now I don’t know how to feel.
Other than sad, and stupid, and small. I think, in New York, I could become the person I’ve always pretended to be.
” I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m doing something I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid.
I’m actually doing it! And I can’t do that halfway.
Maybe I’m running away, but I’m also trying to run toward something. I have to try.”
Hannah and Kara looked at each other, then my sister stood and placed her hand on my chest. “We love you, Ellie. We love Vancouver you, and we’ll love New York you. Then we’ll love whoever you turn into next.”
My parents threw me a party at our house the night before I was set to leave for New York.
At the end of the night, Rory showed up in his hand-me-down, black Jeep Cherokee.
It was midnight, and I had an early flight, so we had to kick everyone out, but that didn’t stop Rory from making a scene.
Instead of coming into the house, he blared the Jeep’s horn for a minute straight as people, including Cameron and Orson, filed out of the house.
I stared Rory down from the door, and when I turned to go back inside, he blasted the horn again. The party was over, everyone had left, and Hannah gave me a meek smile and a gentle push. Then she closed the door and locked me out.
“Open the door, Hannah!” I banged on the door. Hannah refused to answer, so I turned to face Rory again. From behind his windshield, I could see a smug smile etched across his face. “UGH!” I stormed over to Rory and opened the passenger door. “What?”
“Get in.”
“No.”
“You’re leaving tomorrow.” His voice softened. “Please get in.”
“No,” I said again.
His eyes darkened. “Ellie. Get in the car.”
I took a deep breath and stepped into the Jeep, closing the door behind me. “What do you want, Rory?”
“You! I want you!”
“It’s too late!” I wasn’t even listening to the words I had been waiting my whole life for.
“I know that!” He matched my volume, but then steadied himself. He gripped the steering wheel and closed his eyes.
“So what am I supposed to do with that information?” My skin was already growing a thick protective layer.
“There are billions of people in the world—”
“Here we go.” I cut Rory off with a dismissive snort and slammed my head against the headrest.
“Just let me finish!” Rory shook the steering wheel angrily.
He stopped himself and took a deep breath.
“There are billions of people in the world, but I think you only get three big loves. The first love, the one that got away, and the true love. Ellie, you’re all three.
” Rory cleared his throat. When my quiet gasp revealed that I was crying beside him, Rory finally looked at me.
“I applied for transfers to all those schools because I couldn’t live in the same place as you anymore.
It was killing me. But then I worried that you would go to LA, so I lined up USC because I couldn’t live without you, either.
I never even considered New York.” His head fell back to the headrest, but he kept his eyes on mine.
“I love you, Ellie. And like you, I’ve never known what to do about it.
” He sounded defeated. I brushed my tears from my face.
“Now you’re leaving. It’s a day I’ve been dreading since we were fourteen.
I knew it was coming. You were always going to fly away eventually. ”
“For you, Rory, I would have been an ostrich,” I said, remembering our longstanding joke about being the worst kind of bird—one that couldn’t fly.
“I thought we’d get married one day. Ellie Campbell is written all over my diaries.
I have a crawl space in my bedroom, and your name is on the walls in there.
If you were murdered, I’d be the first suspect. ”
He breathed a sad laugh through his nose, then turned his head away from me. His eyes flickered in the streetlight.
It dawned on me that we were saying goodbye, but it wasn’t like when we were younger and went our separate ways at the end of summer.
The next time Rory and I saw each other, we’d have already started growing apart.
We’d have less in common. And we’d know each other a little bit less well than we did right then.
“I can’t move to New York but leave my heart here, no matter how much I might want to.
And that’s not to say I want to fall in love with someone else, but if I don’t take my heart with me, I can’t love New York.
I can’t love new friends. I can’t fall in love with who I could become.
I don’t know who she is yet, but what if I like her?
You have my heart, Rory, but I need it back now.
” I couldn’t prevent my tears from slipping down my cheeks and off my chin.
I tried to wipe them away with the heel of my palms, but I couldn’t keep up.
“I don’t want to give it back,” Rory whispered, turning back toward me.
“It’s mine.” He dropped his forehead heavily on my shoulder, a familiar move.
I wasn’t expecting him to kiss my collarbone, however.
My body hardened. He slowly lowered his lips once again, but this time into the base of my neck.
He nudged my chin with the top of his head and kissed beneath my jaw.
His soft tongue lined my jaw in a string of kisses until he reached my ear, where he whispered, “Don’t go. ”
“Rory, I—”
I couldn’t finish the sentence. Rory kissed me like his life depended on it.
His tongue fought against mine, and we were instantly moaning into each other’s mouths, frantically gripping each other’s faces, pulling on each other’s bodies.
He climbed on top of me, pressing his weight into me, and dropped down the reclining passenger seat.
His fingers dug into my hair as he tasted me, devoured me, before he bit into me.
I lifted my hands up his sides, feeling every contour, and pulled his shirt off.
I pressed my hands down his toned chest and abs, and was shocked at the body I found.
He kept his mouth on me until he pulled off my shirt.
Rory slipped my bra straps down and was kissing my neck, my shoulder, my chest, until my bra was off entirely.
He lifted one of my hands next to my head, our fingers locked in place, crushing each other.
His other hand squeezed my rib cage, and suddenly, my breast was in his mouth, and he sucked on me, hard.
“Oh god,” I gasped.
Holy shit. What the fuck. Holy shit. What the fuck. This can’t be happening. Is this really happening? What is happening?
My brain somehow both went into overdrive and completely bottomed out. Rory lifted his head to look back up at me. He let go of me and placed his palms over his eyes for a brief moment, appearing to be in as much disbelief as I was.