Chapter 25
HANNAH AND I WERE LYING UNDER THE COVERS IN BED TOGETHER, watching the day’s golf highlights.
The rest of the girls were hitting up a couple of blackjack tables before they came back to the room to get ready for the concert.
Rory’s face flashed across the screen. He was hitting a shot out from a bunker, and sand sprayed before him.
His smile was wide. Steph Curry appeared to be making a joke at Rory’s expense.
Rory looked lighter. Happier than he had been on the clips from the day before.
“Why can’t I let him go, Han? It’s been so long .
. . Why can’t I let him go?” I asked as I watched Rory cross his lean but muscular arms, pushing his strong chest together.
He had flipped his hat on backward and looked like he should have been posing for a picture rather than watching his teammate hit his ball.
“I can’t let things go, and it’s ruined my life so many times. ”
My sister turned to me. “What do you mean?”
“Think about my move to LA. I decided who I was, where I would live, and what my life would look like when I was fourteen, and I couldn’t let it go . . .” I bit my lip and closed my eyes. “I’m chasing the dragon.”
I remembered what my parents used to say to me, how they used to worry about my never-ending quest for fulfillment. My dad was ambitious, but he became a doctor. There was an end to his goals, and a moment when he could say, “I did it.” I didn’t know where my end was.
“Well, sister. I don’t know about dragons, but I know about Rory and why you can’t let him go.” Hannah kept her eyes trained on the TV. “You’re a pancake.”
I snorted out a surprised laugh.
“It’s true. Rory’s your maple syrup, and you can’t scrape him off. You taste like him. You smell like him. He’s in you. And I don’t think you moving to LA is necessarily the reason why you and Ben didn’t work out.”
“Don’t say that. That’s not true, and you know it.” It wasn’t the first time my sister had implied that my lingering love for Rory was somehow indirectly responsible for my breakup with Ben.
“Maybe not, but it’s certainly why you haven’t found anyone else you want to be with.”
“You’ve got to give me a break here, sissy. I haven’t been a nun. I’ve dated, just not the right people.”
“Because you compare everyone to your two great loves.”
I sighed. “Listen, the moment I’m laughing to placate rather than actually laughing, I’m out.
Or if we don’t move through life the same way, I’m out.
That’s not me comparing anyone. That’s just something I haven’t found in LA.
I know so many people who have married their partners simply because they were already together.
They reached a certain age and said, ‘I guess this is the person.’ I don’t want to get stuck in a trap where being without someone is scarier than finding the right someone.
” I fluffed the massive white down comforter up and tucked myself in tighter.
“The problem is, you’ve found two ‘right someones.’ Therefore, you believe that kind of connection is something natural that just happens.
It doesn’t. It’s rare. Sometimes, you have to decide to be happy,” Hannah said firmly.
“Maybe you decide to be with someone because they’re a good person and you can try to make yourselves right together. ”
“I mean, I’m not going to lie, Han, I think that sounds incredibly healthy.
Is that what you feel with Brandon? Are you making yourselves right together?
” I tilted my head toward my sister, and she snapped her mouth shut.
I knew she wasn’t entirely happy or in love with her fiancé, and wondered if she’d ever say it.
Hannah shook her head, not biting my bait. “You can’t let Rory go because you know what it’s like to be in love with your soulmate. You know what it’s like to be with him, and you know what it’s like to be without him. Not everybody knows what that feels like.”
“I don’t believe in soulmates.”
“Says the only person I’ve ever known to have two.
” Hannah casually flipped the channels and stopped on The Devil Wears Prada.
“I’m telling you, Ellie, you’re a pancake.
Ben’s the whipped cream, and Rory’s the syrup.
You’re soaked all the way through. Everyone else is just a sprinkle to you, and it’s your own fault that you’ve decided sprinkles aren’t delicious. ”
“You’ve taken the metaphor too far, Han.” I chuckled.
Hannah cleared her throat to ask her next question, which she knew would be a hard one. “So, this Craig guy from work—”
“I don’t want to get into it.” My voice changed.
I didn’t want to discuss what I should and shouldn’t put up with at work.
I constantly had to explain myself to anyone who wasn’t in the entertainment industry.
I even had to give my therapist an education on basic company culture, and I was tired of making excuses for everyone’s behavior to justify my own.
Even Hannah and Kara didn’t understand my life and choices, and I could feel the space between us grow thicker with every story I told.
“Okay, we don’t have to talk about it.”
“I’ve made my career in the entertainment industry, and I grew up on a golf course. Trust me, I can handle it,” I quipped, and my sister laughed.
“Remember the time Dad said that knowing how to golf would help our careers because we wouldn’t get left behind, and we could impress the men we worked with if ever a time came when they wanted to go golfing?” Hannah tucked in closer to me in the bed.
“Yes. Imagine someone saying to a ten-year-old boy that he should take up ballet in case he worked with women one day,” I said, and Hannah’s face pinched with her smile.
“Real talk, and don’t tell Dad I said this, but knowing how to golf has definitely come in handy at some super-unexpected times,” I admitted through a grimace.
“Oh my god. I know. Me, too. How depressing is that?!” Hannah laughed.
We lay there for a couple of minutes, letting our giggles settle, before I decided to change the subject.
“A million years ago, Rory said he believed that there are three great loves in your life: the first love, the one that got away, and the true love. Who do you think those people are for you?” I turned to my sister, already assuming she wouldn’t answer the question.
“It doesn’t matter. You and I are very different, sister.
Your life can be messy, and that’s okay.
You’re allowed to be a bit of a mess. You’re creative, and it keeps you interesting.
But I keep my life tight,” Hannah said, still watching the television.
She wasn’t wrong. “The biggest difference between us is that I look forward, never back.”
The Devil Wears Prada flipped over to a commercial, and it just so happened to be a trailer for Ben’s movie. I sighed and pointed at the TV. “It’s impossible not to look back when your exes are in every direction.”
“If there’s the first love, the one that got away, and the true love,” Hannah said, nodding toward Ben on the TV, “which one is he?”
I looked at Ben on the small screen and knew I had no idea who he was to me now, or who he would be to me in the future. I only knew who we had once been to each other. Then I thought about Rory. Then I realized I was a pancake.