Chapter 30
I HAD BEEN IN LOS ANGELES FOR A YEAR WHEN HANNAH TOLD ME that Rory’s dad had passed away from pancreatic cancer, and the wake was going to be held at Juniper Golf Club.
I felt sick. It had been five years since my twenty-first birthday.
More than that, it had been ten years since I had been to Juniper.
But there was no way I was going to miss being there for the Campbell brothers.
Hannah and I drove to the funeral together, our parents separately.
We hid at the back of the church during the service.
Mrs. Campbell, Blair, Cameron, and Rory sat in the front row.
I could see Cameron continually wiping his eyes throughout the service, and Blair rubbing his brother’s back.
Rory was wearing a black suit, and his wild hair looked tamed.
He still had loose curls, but they were controlled.
He sat stoically next to his mom as she crumbled in his arms. Kara and Jacob were also at the back of the church.
I knew Kara was nervous about seeing Cameron, but like me, she was going anyway.
Blair stepped up to give his eulogy, and Cameron and Rory stood by his side. They kept their eyes down as Blair spoke beautifully of his father, telling his life story within the space of five minutes.
Five minutes. You just get five minutes.
If someone were telling my life story and they only had five minutes, what would I want them to say?
I knew it would never be what I actually wanted them to say; it would be how that sole person saw me.
It would be one person, and how they felt about me, speaking for me for the last time.
I dropped my eyes and could feel the walls closing in.
Who in the world really saw me for who I was, well enough to make those five minutes count?
As Blair was finishing, Rory looked up and spotted me at the back of the crowd.
I saw his dark-brown eyes soften. He took in a long, deep breath through his nose.
I fastened my lips together into a small, downturned smile and tilted my head to the side.
I subtly lifted my chin to silently tell him everything I could say in that moment: Hi. I’m sorry. I’m here.
Rory nodded ever so slightly, receiving my unspoken message. His chest lifted after another big, deep breath, and he sat back down with his mom when Blair’s five minutes were over.
We pulled up Juniper’s driveway and drove past the bag stand where I used to wait to get picked up.
I could see the putting green off in the distance.
I could see the boys having their putting competition, and Albert Davis sitting in his golf cart, looking at me.
I could see Rory and me running toward the clubhouse in the pouring rain, our socks sloshing, and hear both of our dads shouting at us.
I could see us in the back of the pickup truck, legs pressed against each other, sunset seeping into our pores.
My entire childhood lay before me in vignettes.
Everything I’d loved first. Everything I’d never have again. I let out a shaky breath.
I can do this.
Hannah and I walked into Juniper’s ballroom in silence.
Everything was exactly as it had been. The cherrywood floors, the cathedral ceiling, the twinkly white lights strung around the windows.
A slideshow was playing on the same old projector, showing photos of Mr. Campbell throughout the years with friends and family.
Orson Whitlock was the first to notice us. He walked over, handsome as ever and dressed in a dark-gray suit. He opened his arms for a double hug. “The McCain girls have entered the building.” He turned to me. “How’s New York?”
“I’m not there anymore. I’m in LA now.”
“No shit? Hollywood really did it.” He smiled.
“Yup.” I looked down and winced at Orson’s old nickname for me. “I really did it.”
“Yeah, you know what? Now that you say it, I think I already knew that.” Orson pointed his finger, trying to remember. “I think Jacob told us you made your way out there. How long has it been? You’re a movie producer now, right?”
“One year. I’m an assistant.”
“Very cool. Where’s Ben?”
I shouldn’t have been surprised that Orson asked about Ben. The last time he’d seen me was at Blair and Cameron’s restaurant for our joint birthday dinner.
My phone vibrated. Instead of answering Orson, I said, “Just one second,” and popped my phone out of my pocket to see if it was anything urgent from my boss.
DAN BURKE: Where are you? I heard you’re not coming in today. You’re aware that we sponsor your visa.
My throat calcified before I texted back.
ELLIE: Hi Dan. I’m at a funeral. We talked about this yesterday, and you approved it. I’m on a 6 am flight tomorrow and will be back in the office by no later than 10:30.
Hannah looked over my shoulder. “Everything okay?”
“Yup, all good,” I replied curtly, locking my phone and putting it back into my pocket.
“Where are you these days, Hannah?” Orson turned to my sister.
“I’m in Kits.” Hannah was in an apartment close to the beach, and she had vowed never to move again.
“Me, too!” Orson’s face brightened.
“We should get together.” Hannah smiled.
“I’d love that.” As Orson poured himself a glass of water from one of the buffet tables, Blair approached us and warmly put his arm around Orson for a side hug.
“Blair.” Hannah’s eyes started watering.
Hannah and Blair’s history was kept very private, but I knew enough to know that there was a lot of love between them.
Blair opened his arms for a hug, and Hannah fell into them. “I’m sorry,” she said as he smoothed her hair and kissed the side of her head.
“Thanks for coming,” he said quietly. He then looked at me while still sealed in his hug with Hannah. “Good to see you, Cains.”
“I’m sorry, Blair.”
Orson and I decided to give my sister and Blair some privacy.
“Do you know if anyone else is coming?” I didn’t want to ask Orson outright if Caleb Davis or his dad planned on coming, but I hoped he could somehow read my mind.
“I don’t know,” he answered, then immediately changed the subject back to his favorite topic. “So, I see that Ben is sort of famous now. How’s that going? How are you doing?”
When will it end?
My phone dinged again.
“Excuse me.” I pulled out my phone.
“Ellie!” Kara called out and waved me over to her and Jacob. They were in the corner, next to the wall of windows, with our parents and a few other club members that I hardly recognized.
“Just a sec,” I called back, unlocking my phone.
DAN BURKE: We’re in the middle of cutbacks. You know this. I’d like to have a meeting with you tomorrow to discuss your future at this company.
I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. I opened them again, and standing in front of me was Rory. I gasped, and stumbled to the point where he had to reach for my arm to steady me.
“Hi,” he said quietly.
Instead of saying it back, I hugged him. I wrapped my arms around his head to try to hold him harder, to try to somehow melt into him. He brought his hands up my back, and his thumb trailed down my shoulder blade.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Rory hadn’t cried in the church, but he was crying now. He placed his forehead on my shoulder and let out a sob. I closed my eyes, breathing him in, and held him tighter. I brought my hands around his neck, and my fingers stroked his hair. His wet face buried into my neck.
“Rory, I’m so sorry.” I cried, too. There were many reasons why I was sorry.
I knew at least a handful of people were watching us—Hannah, Kara, Jacob, Orson, Blair, and Cameron—but I refused to let their stares hold me back.
I felt Rory’s lips gently press into the bottom of my neck, against my collarbone, for a soft kiss.
Then, as if suddenly realizing what he had just done, he pulled his face away and pressed his fingers into my neck where he had just kissed me, wiping it away.
He whispered, “Sorry.”
“Rory . . .” My eyes scanned his face. I was desperate for him to look at me like he used to.
Orson stepped toward us, breaking us apart, and patted Rory’s back.
“Just give us a second,” Rory said, and Orson moved away, toward Cameron.
Rory tenderly stroked my arm. I heard him catch his breath when his fingers found the rose gold bracelet wrapped around my wrist. I always wore it. I didn’t even think about not wearing it. Perhaps I should have. His index finger slipped beneath the bracelet, and he gave it a small tug.
“I’m surprised to see you,” he said, still staring at the bracelet, but not saying anything about it.
“I . . . I wanted to be here for you. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have come.”
“I’m glad you’re here. I just wasn’t expecting it. It’s good to see you. You look so beautiful,” Rory said casually, knocking me off balance, as he pushed away the last of his tears.
“I’m so sorry, Rory . . .” I quickly flicked my tears away.
He nodded, eyes on the ground. “I know . . . How’s LA?”
“Um, it’s . . . You know. It’s good,” I lied.
“Good.” He nodded.
“I’ve been watching . . . I’ve—” I stumbled through my thoughts.
“Everything you’ve done with your career, and golf, and all of it.
I’m so happy for you, Rory. I’ve . . . I’ve .
. .” My lips trembled, and my voice grew weak.
I bit my lip to stop myself, but I couldn’t be stopped.
“I’ve missed you,” I whispered so quietly that I didn’t even hear it myself.
Rory raised his tear-stained face, and his eyes finally lifted to meet mine.
“Rory?” Cameron called from the back of the room.
Rory kept his eyes on me.
“Rore!” Cameron called again, causing Rory to finally pull his gaze away. Cameron beckoned for Rory to join him and Orson.
“I should probably go.” Rory’s words came out with difficulty. “I’ll say goodbye now, just in case I’m not able to get back to you. There’s just a lot going on right now, you know?”
“Okay. Yeah, of course.”
“Tell Ben I say hi.” He dropped his attention to the ground again.
“Rory, I’m n—” I started shaking my head. I was about to tell him that I wasn’t with Ben anymore. I hadn’t been with him for six months. I didn’t know where my sentence would go from there, but I knew that’s where it would start.
But I couldn’t start. We were interrupted when a beautiful woman with long, bone-straight black hair, wearing a knee-length, cap-sleeved black dress, stepped up to Rory. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t place her. Her hand fell to Rory’s.
“Your mom is looking for you,” she said in the smoothest, silkiest voice I had ever heard.
Rory nodded, then looked at me, still holding her hand. His stare pierced through me, causing me to become short of breath. He didn’t introduce us, and I don’t think I was the only one to notice. “When are you heading back?” he asked.
“Tomorrow,” I choked out.
“Well, thank you for coming. I know you’re busy.”
I felt sick. I felt so fucking sick I almost passed out on the spot.
Did Rory think that I could ever possibly be too busy for him?
In that moment, I had no idea what came over me, but I grabbed his free hand and lifted it to my face, then closed my eyes and pressed a kiss inside his palm.
As I lowered his hand, his brow crinkled, and his eyes flicked back and forth between mine.
“Okay, bye.” I let him go, then turned to leave Rory and his girlfriend.
Across the ballroom, Hannah was looking back at me with a sad smile. She mouthed, Let’s go. And I nodded, struggling to keep more tears from falling.