Chapter 40
AS RORY BIT INTO HIS brEAKFAST SANDWICH, HE FLIPPED HIS chin up at Ben. “What are you up to today?”
“Just going to the gym. That’s my only plan,” Ben answered, biting into his sandwich, then flicking away the crumbs from the black T-shirt of Rory’s that he was now wearing. Bizarrely, it fit him perfectly.
“What about you, Cainey? What are you thinking?” Rory switched over to my childhood nickname with ease.
Zoe grabbed an apple from the fridge and sat across from me at our round glass kitchen table.
“I’m going back and forth about whether I should go talk to Ken.”
Rory’s face softened. I could tell he liked that answer.
“What’s stopping you?” Zoe perked up and crunched loudly.
“Ummm . . . well . . .” My eyes lifted to Ben, then moved over to Zoe.
Rory reached for my hand on top of the table. He stroked his thumb against my skin, quietly comforting me.
“I’m embarrassed,” I admitted.
“Why would you be embarrassed?” Zoe lowered the apple from her mouth.
Ben tracked my sighs and twitches, clocking my nerves.
“There’s been so many times like this that I’ve accepted, laughed over, joked about, even thanked people for.
The only time I’ve ever done anything about it was when I was a kid at Juniper.
I told a bunch of people what happened between me and this older man, and I was dismissed.
I felt so much shame that I stopped going.
My entire childhood was consumed by that golf club, and then it was gone.
” Rory squeezed my hand, and I continued.
“I learned how to adapt in these types of situations so I wouldn’t lose it all again. ”
Zoe put her apple on the table. “You’re not going to lose anything, Ellie.”
“I could lose everything, Zo. If I lose my job, I lose my sponsorship, visa, and status, which means I lose the country I live in, which means I lose my home and community, which means I lose the network, career, and life I’ve built for myself and sacrificed everything for.
I can say something and maybe lose my reputation, too.
Or I can say nothing, find another job, and lose my integrity and self-respect instead. ”
Ben stretched his arm over the back of my chair. I knew he wanted to comfort me, but he wasn’t going to overstep.
“It’s all a game, and I don’t know how to win it.” I let out a shaky breath. “And I’m part of the problem because I’ve never said anything. Even with Craig—”
Zoe put her hand on top of Rory’s and mine. “Whatever you’re going to say right now, this is not your fault.”
I buried my face in my hands. “But it feels like—”
“It’s not.” Zoe cut me off again. “You are not responsible for Craig’s actions.
And as for other people you’ve worked with who have pulled this kind of shit with you, or bullied you, or made you feel small, they had power and control over your job, and therefore your visa, which has acted as the linchpin of your life thus far, Ellie, and they abused it.
” Zoe’s words ran into each other. She was filled with adrenaline.
“Zoe—” I shook my head, but she wasn’t having it.
She waved her hand, silencing me. “You can do this. Are you someone who dies in the night while climbing up the mountain, or are you someone who gets to the top? You’ve trained for this.
I know your fingers are tired. I know your rope has been cut.
But you’ve worked hard for your career, so get to the top. ”
I pushed a burst of air out through my tight lips, then looked at Ben and shook my head. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asked smugly.
“I know what you’re going to say. Don’t do it.”
Ben shrugged his shoulders casually. “I’m not going to say anything about you being Ellie Fucking McCain—”
“Ben—” I closed my eyes.
“I don’t need to remind you that you took two-hundredth place in the Women’s Long Drive when you were fourteen. Goddamn it.”
I opened my eyes, and Ben was smiling. I looked over to Rory. The warmth in his gentle stare settled in my belly.
“Where’s the ball?” Ben asked. “I know you have it. Where is it?”
Rory stood, went into the bedroom, and came back with my lucky golf ball. He tossed it to Ben, who looked at it with a smile, then placed it on the table. Rory sat back down and took my hand once again.
“Anyway,” Ben continued, “I don’t need to tell you about that.
” He nodded toward the ball, then leaned forward.
“I would like to tell you, though, about a girl I know. She once got a chip of paint jammed under her fingernail. It was as thick as a wood chip. And when she was told that there was nothing she could do about it, she said fuck that and sawed off her whole hand.”
I laughed, feeling a small cry escape at the same time. “These stories have gotten bigger over the years.”
“You know, I know a girl who accidentally threw her golf club into the middle of a driving range.” Rory’s eyes dropped to our hands.
“She must have been so embarrassed when everyone had to stop and watch her walk out into the rain to get her club, all by herself. But when I saw her come back to try again, soaking wet, determined, and mad as hell . . . I fell in love with her.” Rory flicked his eyes up to mine.
I turned my focus to my lucky golf ball.
I had been holding on to it since I was fourteen.
I had been holding on to it for the same length of time that I had been holding on to my dreams of living in Los Angeles.
I had saved the ball specifically to remind myself that I was “a piece of shit.” I let out a small laugh, thinking about how ridiculous that was.
Over sixteen years, that ball had transformed into something else entirely.
Now, when I looked at my lucky golf ball with the Juniper logo on it, I saw Rory, I saw Ben, I saw Zoe, Hannah, Kara .
. . everyone who’d traveled through life with me.
And I saw the fearless little kid I used to be.
“I knew that girl. She was okay, I guess,” I said quietly. “She’d probably go back to the office, because she actually really liked her job, loved her boss, and would want him to know that Craig tried to break her, huh?”
Rory nodded softly. “I think she probably would.”
I thought of what I had overheard Rory say to Ben and Zoe the night before.
You can’t tell Ellie what to do. She has to find it.
Rory had always let me find my way. He wanted me to be exactly who I was, and he loved me through every transition, through every version.
I tilted my head upward in an attempt to prevent any tears from falling.
My love for Rory had been a thread throughout my entire life.
We’d been tangled in it. We’d tripped over it.
But it had pulled us together over and over again.
It had always been there, connecting us.
I had lived so much of my life in the shadow of my regrets.
How much more was I willing to sacrifice?
I could drown in my past, wondering, “Was it worth it?” Or I could live for tomorrow, knowing it would be.
I felt my chest expand as I looked at Rory and realized I had finally made it to my next tomorrow.
I breathed in an old memory: There’s before this moment, and everything after.
For the rest of your life, you’re living in the after.
“Can I go with you to talk to Ken?” Rory asked, unaware that I was on the precipice of a breakthrough.
“No. I need to do this myself.”
“She said, surprising no one,” Ben added with a wry smile.
“Okay.” Rory lifted his arm to pull me from my chair and onto his lap, then wrapped his arms around me. “I’ll probably be on the plane by the time you get back.”
“Okay.” There was something twisting and pulling inside me that knew this was going to be the last time Rory would leave me. It was certainly the last time I would leave him.
“What are you gonna do before you head to the airport?” Ben asked Rory, finally taking another bite of his sandwich, resuming breakfast.
Rory reached across my lap to pick up his sandwich and shoved the last little bit into his mouth. “Want to go play some golf ?”
“Yeah, dude. That sounds awesome,” Ben said, with his mouth full of food.
“Ben Winters and Rory Campbell, hanging out together? You guys are gonna cause a scene.” Zoe took a bite of her apple.
“Oh shit,” Ben said. “I don’t have anything to wear golfing.”
“Here.” Rory lifted me from his lap and stood up. “Come into the bedroom. I’ve got more clothes that’ll fit you.”
Ben followed Rory into my bedroom without a second thought.
My eyes went wide, and Zoe came over to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Is this full Twilight Zone for you?”
I listened to Rory and Ben chatting inside the bedroom, and that’s when I realized what was happening. They were becoming friends.
“Yup. Full Twilight Zone.”