This Hurts (Redemption #1)

1

Orion

Iam the perfect example of what a good husband is not.

Whitney is in the bathroom crying again, and all I can think about is heading out the front door to get away from it all.

What type of man doesn’t want to comfort his wife when she’s in distress?

Maybe one who caused her to be so upset in the first place because he can’t give her the one thing she’s always wanted.

We met in high school. Whitney was every guy’s dream come true.

She was sexy and smart, the captain of the girls’ volleyball team and the envy of every other girl in our class.

Her long brown hair was her pride and joy, and her makeup was always done to perfection.

Revealing her true self was something she dreaded, fearing judgment.

Because what Whitney never realized was that I saw her. I saw the girl beneath the facade she wore every day to make the people around her like her. She was better than everyone else and didn’t need a stitch of the shit on her face to look any prettier.

So why was I such a shitty husband?

We’d gotten married a year after graduation.

Whitney wanted to get through college first, but I pressured her into not waiting.

Why should we put our lives on hold just to get an arbitrary degree that would ultimately put us into debt?

Not that a wedding would be that much better.

That was the other thing. Why the hell was it so expensive to put a ring on it?

I would have been more than happy if Whitney had worn the pretty green dress she’d worn for prom and all that had been in attendance was our parents and the preacher, but she wanted the whole show.

So we did that.

Thousands of dollars later, and I maybe saw why she wanted to wait.

Maybe with that degree she could have had a job that would have paid for things a little better, but we did okay in our little house in a decent part of town.

I had a good thing going at the repair shop that I owned with my dad.

She’d gotten her sparkly degree in education that she’d always dreamed of.

But there was something big missing from the picture.

“Orion?” Her hiccuped sob reached my ears,I pinched my eyes closed because I really should go in there and hug her. Tell her it was alright, that it just wasn’t meant to be at the moment. But how many times could I tell her that and not really mean it before she caught on?

And this was why I was such a shitty husband.

It took everything in me to lift myself from where I was seated on the edge of our worn comforter on the old bed we’d had since we’d moved in and open the bathroom door to find Whitney bent over the bathroom sink, mascara and tears streaming down her too lovely face.

She deserved smiles and happiness, not what I was giving her.

Sitting on the counter was the test. The one line sitting clear as day declaring that she was once again not expecting the little bundle of joy she’d been craving since the day we’d said I do.

Because that was another reason we should have waited.

Whitney wanted a family, and as much as I loved her, she was the only family I wanted.

It never seemed to matter how many times we talked about it; she was sure that the second I saw a little replica of the two of us, I would change my mind.

Nah, I was good.

While I co-owned a business working with my dad, my relationship with my parents was strained on the best of days.

My father was an alcoholic who was barely staying afloat, my mother took his abuse like a woman who didn’t understand that it wasn’t okay for her man to hit her.

I’d decided early on that I didn’t want to bring another person into a world like that.

My childhood had been chaotic, and it was a miracle that I was mostly well-adjusted.

Hell, the repair shop would have had to close its doors years ago had I not stepped in when I had.

Dad had been cooking the books to hide that he’d been using the shop’s measly profits to fuel his drinking habits.

I’d put a stop to that immediately the moment I took over.

He fought me, saying that he’d earned that money and had a right to it.

It was a constant day-to-day battle to remind him that his hardworking employees had earned that money as well.

That brought me back to Whitney. How the hell did I manage a wife who wanted children when I was practically playing the parent to my parents?

It was a delicate balance, and most times I was able to dodge the questions, but then there were days like today when she’d been so sure that the test would come back positive only for it to show negative once more.

We’d been to fertility doctors who had assured us that nothing was wrong with Whitney, that there was nothing wrong with me.

It left so many questions hanging for the woman I was in love with about why she couldn’t conceive the child she always wanted.

It was as simple as me changing out our regular lubricant for spermicidal lubricant because I couldn’t just man up and tell her the truth. I didn’t want to be a dad.

It was wrong.

Deceptive.

She deserved so much better because the way she sobbed as she approached me like a scared little deer did weird things to my insides. I was breaking the woman I’d sworn to love and cherish. Maybe I wasn’t physically abusive like my father was, but this was just as bad.

As I wrapped my arms around her, Whitney rested her head on my shoulder—disgust slithered through me.

Not at her, but at me. I was doing this.

She was in pain because of me. The air was too thick and hard to breathe.

That was why I hated being around when she inevitably fell apart when she found out she wasn’t pregnant.

Guilt would roll off me in waves—it was only a matter of time before I cracked and told her the truth. She’d hate me. I ruined her life, and she had every right to those feelings, but like an idiot I sat there kissing her matted hair as she kept sobbing into my neck.

I needed an escape. A way to get away for the night and not give in to the need to tell her that it was all my fault. She was broken because of me.

When she pulled back to let me see her tear-stained face, I almost broke. I kissed her gently and pulled away completely. Her shoulders sagged because she knew what this meant. My time for holding her was over, and I needed an out.

To get away.

To not feel all the feelings of being stuck in this house with her because I was such a piece of shit.

But I still couldn’t bring myself to leave her. To let her move on, because I still loved her. Whitney was my best friend, and it killed me that I was ruining her life.

“Orion?”

God, the way she said my name almost made me stop, but I couldn’t. I needed to get out before I said something stupid, like telling her everything I’d ever done to wrong her.

“Orion, please wait.”

I slammed my eyes shut as I threw on my jacket, taking a deep breath. She was sobbing all over again, and a better man would stop, wrap her in his arms and tell her it was okay, but this wasn’t okay. I was a bad man who did evil things, like lying to my wife for years.

The door clicking closed behind me didn’t make me feel any better. It suffocated me. As I walked down the sidewalk, I needed to think of a way to distract myself because if I didn’t, I’d turn right back around, end up sitting, and listening to her cry all night. It’s what I should have done.

But I was the jerk who placed his own comfort ahead of his wife and fished his phone from his pocket instead.

Whitney was never a big fan of Jayden. He’d been one of my best friends since we were kids, but she swore he was a lot more trouble than he was worth.

She was mostly right. The guy was responsible any time I found myself in trouble.

It didn’t stop me from scrolling to his name and hitting the call button.

“Hey, jackass,” he said when he answered the phone. And for whatever reason, him calling me that put a smile on my face. It lightened the mood just enough for me to tell him I needed to find something to do without giving him all the details.

“Hey, Jay. What are you up to tonight?”

He sighed, taking a moment to answer me. “Well, I was going to go check out this new strip club, but I’m not sure if that’s your scene or not.”

Jayden was right.

Whitney would have a heart attack if she found out that I’d gone into one.

That was another mark Jayden had against him.

He’d dragged me to one for my bachelor party, and Whitney had absolutely lost her shit.

We didn’t talk for a week after. I was worried that she would call off the wedding.

It hadn’t mattered that I hadn’t touched any of the women there. I’d only had eyes for her.

“You’re probably right. I can’t talk you into doing something different?”

He laughed. “You and the ol’ ball and chain get into it again?”

While he knew Whitney and I had issues, I might not have been very forthcoming about what those problems were. We never actually fought. I just didn’t know how to handle her when she was upset about the one thing I’d been sabotaging.

“Something like that. But really, man. I can’t talk you into anything else?”

The line was quiet again for a moment before he cleared his throat. “I tell you what, bro. I’m going to send you an address. Just show up. Have a drink. I’ll buy it. You don’t have to stay long. Just give this place a chance.”

It was a choice I knew I’d regret, but I still found myself pulling up the directions after I’d ended the phone call.

Sure enough, I’d never heard of the place, but I wasn’t very far from it.

It would only take me about twenty minutes to walk there—maybe by the time I got there, I’d clear my head, figuring out it was a bad idea.

However, by the time the neon lights of Faded Sins came into view, I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and walk away. Something about the place called to me. The name was ironic because nothing about my sins was faded.

Jayden stood outside the door smoking a cigarette, and as I approached, he offered it out to me. In the past, I would have taken him up on it just to take the edge off, but tonight felt so fucking different.

“You good, man?” he asked as he stubbed out his smoke against the brick wall of the building.

“I’ve been better,” was all I could say as he opened the heavy wooden door that led inside the club.