Chapter 32
CHAPTER
I EAT DINNER ALONE. Take-out tacos from around the corner. It’s been quite a day, but halfway through a margarita, thoughts of Luc and our kiss return. Liquid courage in place, I text him.
Me: How’s your day going?
My phone rings. It’s Luc and my stomach does that hummingbird fluttery thing. “Hey.”
“Hey. I’m old-fashioned. I’d rather hear your voice.”
“Cool,” I squeak.
“I’ve been buried under personal accounting stuff, but my day just got better.”
My cheeks flush. “Mine, too.”
“Sounds like maybe yours was a doozy. Care to share?”
I chuckle at the word doozy. Maybe it’s the tequila, but mostly I need someone other than Aletheia’s opinion. I tell Luc about Mackenzie’s call. Not what she said about my sex life, but the wedding stuff and Circe.
“Wow,” Luc says, floored. “That takes balls.”
“Yeah. But what bothered me most is that there was still a sliver of me that hoped Bruce had better taste, and more decency.” He doesn’t.
“Sorry to hear that. But I’m wondering … How’d you miss all the signs that Bruce was an asshole?”
I half-laugh, half-snort. Embarrassing. But there’s no judgment in Luc’s tone, so I take a swallow of my drink and consider. When Aletheia and I first spoke, she asked my part in the demise of our marriage …
I was blind.
Are you blind?
No …
Confucius says a man who has committed a mistake and doesn’t correct it is making another mistake.
I head to the couch. Sally, already lying in the corner, scooches over and curls beside me. “My ex wasn’t always a jerk,” I admit. “He could be endearing. Besides, he does love Circe. The truth is it wasn’t just Bruce who messed up our marriage. I was complicit.”
“How?”
“When I got pregnant and he proposed, I wasn’t in love with him but said yes. He knew about my past, loved me anyway. I wanted Circe, and a family of my own.”
“Did Bruce know you weren’t in love?”
“Yes. He was sure that would come in time.”
Maybe you were the mark, Mama J whispers.
I know I’m punching up, okay? Bruce said when he proposed. But Penn, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me …
The truth that I’ve never allowed myself to scrutinize out of self-preservation tumbles home. “Bruce is smart in an instinctual, canny way. But underneath his bravado, he lacks confidence. That’s never a good sign.”
“What was he insecure about?” Luc asks. “Don’t answer if I’m getting too personal.”
Surprisingly, I want to get personal. Except … “Is talking about my ex … Is it a turnoff?” I sound like I’m in high school and cringe.
“Not sure anything you say could turn me off after that kiss,” Luc admits with a little laugh.
I blush and take another sip of my drink. “Good to know. So, Bruce … He grew up a have-not surrounded by haves. He was embarrassed about his parents’ blue-collar professions, his lack of private schooling, inability to dress like he came from wealth, and driving a used car.”
“Did you feel the same way?”
I fiddle with a button on the old purple flowered shirt I’m wearing, found in the same box as my Hokas. “My childhood was obviously difficult for different reasons, but I didn’t want anyone to know about being homeless, thought it would taint me. We had that in common.”
“Your past actually makes me respect you even more,” Luc says.
I think he really means it. Talking about this, with the clarity of hindsight, feels like letting fresh air into a stuffy attic.
“Other red flags?”
I scratch behind Sally’s ear and her tail thumps in appreciation. “Bruce was embarrassed that he couldn’t get a company to pay for his MBA. He had to take out loans, while I was on a full-ride scholarship.”
“Your brilliance intimidated him?”
I laugh. “Brilliance is overstating, but my intellectual capacity? Yes.”
“Bruce didn’t want you to shine?”
“He was good with me excelling as a wife and mother. But in the business world, he wanted to be the superstar. Bruce was manipulative. But I’m the one who gave up my autonomy.”
“Did you care about being wealthy, too?”
“I wanted security. So, I did all the things—supported Bruce’s business in every way, threw cocktail parties to woo employees and potential clients, joined Junior League and The Garden Club, took cooking classes, became the consummate corporate wife, and vied for more and more followers on LivLoud. ”
Luc chuckles. “I wouldn’t have taken you for a social media devotee.”
“The more followers, the more I was validated. But I ignored a lot of signs that things weren’t good.”
“Like?”
The truth rushes in. “Bruce always wanted a big family, especially a son; to create a legacy. I had miscarriages. Together, we decided Circe was enough. But Bruce started working more and more and coming home late.”
“The miscarriages weren’t your fault,” Luc points out.
“True. But not talking about them and our growing distance was.” Maybe we would’ve gotten closer …
or divorced sooner? I finish my drink. “Even though there were signs that our marriage wasn’t built on a strong foundation, and later that it was in trouble, in a way, Bruce and I each got what we most wanted. Until he cheated.”
“Do you still want those things?” Luc asks.
“Deep down? I’ll always want to fit in and feel safe. But when I look back on my life, outside of raising Circe, it wasn’t fulfilling.” I laugh at myself, embarrassed. “Are those enough red flags?”
Luc laughs. “Plenty.”
“Then tell me a story about a dating debacle in your past so I don’t feel like such a loser.”
For the next forty-five minutes, Luc regales me with stories about his romantic past. There’s the neurosurgeon who offered to sneak him into the OR to watch her put in a brain shunt, even give him a white coat and introduce him to the patient’s family as her resident.
“Total narcissist,” Luc laughs. “Though it would’ve been a memorable experience.”
Then there was the woman who asked to see his feet during their dinner at a restaurant. The blind date who took him to a traveling freak show with naked men swinging concrete cinder blocks from rings pierced through their privates.
“Oddly impressive,” Luc jokes, “but it also made me wonder if she was setting the stage before asking me to get my own piercings. No judgment, but that’s not for me.
After the show, she suggested getting tattoos and I passed.
Then she asked me to come to her place. I had visions of waking up with a Prince Albert and couldn’t get away fast enough. ”
I giggle. “Thanks for making me laugh.”
“Any time,” Luc replies. “See you tomorrow?”
My smile is so big it makes my cheeks ache. “Looking forward to it.”
“Me, too.”
I hold the phone to my ear for a few seconds after we disconnect, imagine Luc is still there, or even better, sitting beside me. “I have a crush,” I tell Sally. She licks my wrist. “You’re the best girl.” Her tail thumps.
Buzzing a little from my margarita and the conversation, I take Sally for her evening walk around the block, then we settle in for a movie. It’s an action flick, so I put in earbuds—loud noises startle Sally.
Hello, Penn.
I jump as Aletheia’s voice intrudes. She’s breaking the rules. Again. “Aletheia, I told you not to—”
I’d like to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me …