30. Finn
Finn
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26TH
I wish I could somehow articulate the whirlwind of emotions that have torpedoed me over the last twenty-four hours, but words are not on my side at the moment.
My daughter is hurt and confused, and I’m having a hard time helping her because I feel the same way. As an added bonus, I know it’s my fault for putting her in this position; if I’d just kept Callie at arm’s length (or steered clear of her entirely), then none of this would have happened. I thought I was doing the right thing by being open instead of letting the town run crazy with rumors…but the rumors probably would have been less destructive.
I’ve been standing on Callie’s front stoop for longer than I should, considering her neighbors are all definitely watching. But I haven’t decided if I really want to see her.
Of course you want to see her, dummy.
I sigh and rap my knuckles on her door.
“Ahhh!” Her muffled scream spikes my adrenaline.
“Callie? Are you okay?” I’m pounding with my fist now, jiggling the knob and trying to get in.
When the front door swings open, the sight of her knocks some of the wind out of me.
Her hair is a mess, her eyes are puffy and wet with mascara streaks. Before I can say anything, she steps forward and clutches my waist, burying her face in my chest.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she croaks. Even her voice is shot. I don’t know where my Goddess of War disappeared to, but this woman here is clearly not ready for battle.
My heart aches for her. All I can do is hold her out here in the cold, trying to memorize the feel of her body next to mine. The smell of her hair.
“Can you come in?” she asks. “I know you’ve got to get back, but can we just talk for a minute?”
She’s holding my hand, ready to pull me into the house, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say no to her. “Yeah. Probably a good idea.”
She offers me a weak smile and leads me into the living room. I’m not sure if she’s afraid to let go of my hand or if I’m afraid to let go of hers, but either way, we still have our fingers laced when we sit on her couch.
“I need you to know that I didn’t tell Piper about the job offer before I told you. She actually knew about it before I did because she’d just had lunch with Amy.”
Okay, that makes me feel marginally better.
“That makes sense,” I rub my thumb across her hand. “I get it.”
“Did you talk to Lex?”
“I did. It was rough, but not as awkward as the period conversation I had with her, so there’s that.”
She lets out a soft laugh.
“I’m sorry I jumped down your throat about everything.” It’s just that I’m hopelessly in love with you, you see, and I know that you leaving would be a much bigger hit than my divorce ever was.
“I’m sorry I left so quickly tonight. I guess the older you get, the easier it is to fall back into old patterns.”
“I suspect most people our age have a better handle on this stuff.”
“Maybe. But they’re probably not as interesting as we are. That’s what I’m going with, anyway.”
“Sure, that sounds good.” I draw in a deep breath, weighing my next words carefully. I hadn’t planned on saying them, but it feels like the right time. “Listen, Callie, I know I haven’t really talked to you about what happened with Lex’s mom. My parents are sworn to secrecy, and so are Jonah and Delilah. I didn’t want my kid to be part of the town gossip.”
Callie nods. “Everyone made up some pretty amazing stories instead.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, there was the one where she witnessed a mafia hit and had to go into Witness Protection.”
“Interesting.”
“And another one where she fell victim to a gopher-worshipping cult and had to leave to go live underground.”
“That’s…horrifying.”
“My favorite is the Italian billionaire Speedo model who swept her off her feet and took her to live on his yacht in the Mediterranean. Not sure why it’s always billionaire. Is millionaire not enough anymore?”
“I guess not.”
“Anyway, no, I don’t know what happened. And I didn’t feel it was my place to ask.”
“Athena, you’re my girlfriend. You shouldn’t ever feel like it’s not your place to ask me things. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t.”
She offers me a half smile. “It wasn’t anything you did.” She looks down at her lap and back up at me. “So can I ask now? About you and…?”
“Scarlett. The ex-wife,” I supply. “And I’m sad to say it’s not nearly as exciting as the town made it out to be. No mafia hit, no gopher cult, no billionaire. Just a woman who decided she didn’t want to be a wife and mom anymore.”
Callie looks confused, but says nothing.
“She and I met in college, we were like two versions of the same person. Both into sports, both liked the same music, both from small towns. We had great chemistry…we had fun. But, you know, we were kids. She got pregnant right before graduation, we’d been dating about a year. It was, uh, unexpected to say the least. But I knew I loved her and so the night we graduated, at a party with friends, I proposed. And she said yes. We had a small wedding, bought a condo, had a baby. Picture perfect stuff.”
“Sounds nice,” Callie says quietly.
“It was fine.”
She tilts her head.
“I mean, it was… fine . Nothing was bad, we weren’t fighting all the time or anything like that. But nothing was amazing either. Except Lex, of course.” I can’t help but smile. “We bonded right away. Everyone told me it would take longer for me to bond with the baby, but they couldn’t have been more wrong. Let me tell you, I lived to come home from work to see that little girl. And the second she’d see me walk in, she’d start kicking her tiny legs in her tiny bouncer and she’d get this huge smile.” My heart swells up at the memory. “And…Scarlett was around, too. You know. Until she wasn’t.”
I take a second to gather my thoughts. I’ve only told this story twice and I don’t love having to tell it again. “One morning, it was a Saturday, I suggested the three of us go get breakfast. Lex was two years old. Scarlett said she wasn’t feeling well but that I should take Lex. And I remember…I remember just being happy to go without her. I took my daughter to a pancake restaurant, and we had a fun breakfast. And we came home to a note.”
The understanding registers on Callie’s face.
“Well,” I correct, “a sticky note. On top of divorce papers.”
“Wait, she just left them on the table for you?”
“It was the kitchen counter, actually. But yeah.”
“What did it say?”
“It said she didn’t belong with us. That she felt like a stranger looking through the window of another family. That she knew she was never meant to be a mom and having a baby proved it.”
Callie’s brows furrow. “ Was she a good mom?”
I shrug. “She wasn’t a negligent mom. I thought everything was fine.”
“She should have told you,” Callie murmurs.
“Maybe. I should have noticed, though. I mean, I did notice. I should have talked to her about it.”
“I don’t understand, though. She didn’t even want shared custody of Lex? Not even the occasional weekend?”
That part always cuts the deepest. “I saw her one last time in court when we finalized the divorce. She didn’t ask for anything. She literally took her clothes out of the condo and forfeited basically everything else just so we could be done. I guess she couldn’t get away from us fast enough.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, me reliving the nightmare and Callie digesting it.
“Can I…can I just offer something?” she asks.
“That depends. You’re not going to defend my ex-wife for abandoning her child, are you?”
“No! No, of course not, but…” She pauses. “I just think that maybe she wasn’t forfeiting everything because she couldn’t get away from you fast enough. Maybe…maybe she was just trying to cope with what had to have been soul-crushing guilt over not bonding with her baby or feeling like a capable wife. Maybe in her mind, leaving Lexie with you and giving up everything was her way of giving you both the best shot at a new life.”
Callie’s ever-present optimism isn’t something that rings true for me in this case. I clench my teeth and rub my mouth with my hand.
“I’m not defending her,” she promises. “She should have talked to you, or at the very least, to a therapist. I’m just…offering the perspective of a woman who knows what it feels like to be an outsider.”
The small crack in my heart opens just a little more. “You’re not an outsider here, Athena.”
She squeezes my hand. “I know.”
“Then why is it such a tough choice for you to make?”
Her shoulders sag, and she looks around the dark room. “I’ve lived so many places and met so many people…I’ve never felt like I was actually part of a bigger family the way I do here. It’s a scary thing, Finn. It’s a lot to take in. And I guess I didn’t tell you about the offer right away because I already knew what you’d say. I had to make sure I knew what I wanted first, or it wouldn’t be an honest discussion.”
“Okay, so here I am. Let’s honestly discuss.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. You think I’m not?”
Her face falls, and she looks down at her lap. “I just need time, Finn. Please.”
As someone who’s been kicked in the nuts on more than one occasion—most were accidents, two were not—this feels worse.
This feels so much worse. And I can’t go through it anymore.
“Yeah, well, take all the time you need.” I drop her hand and stand up, striding quickly to the door.
She follows me. “You’re still mad.”
“Yeah, but at least this time, we both know why. Listen, I need you to keep your distance from Lex, all right?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, unless you decide you’re staying, I don’t want her getting any more attached to you than she already is.”
She purses her lips and quietly nods.
“Have a good weekend, Athena. I’ll see you Monday.”
I feel like absolute dog shit the entire walk back to my car, the entire drive home, and the entire rest of the night that I don’t get any sleep. But if Callie isn’t all in, then I have to protect my kid. And yeah, okay, myself.