Chapter 31
Aoife
The warmth of the fire felt good after the cold bath I’d taken in the nearby stream. One of the rebel members had a dress packed that fit my larger frame, and it felt good to be in soft clean clothes while my other clothes were being washed.
I’d needed something good to cling onto after what I’d walked in on earlier. After Ronan had as good as confirmed it, I knew that Leena had been Lor’s lover, but walking in on an intimate moment between them had been a gut punch. It shouldn’t have been.
Lor was welcome to do whatever he wanted. I’d given him no reason to believe I expected fidelity from him, and yet . . . and yet, what? We’d had one mostly nice week together, one night spent cuddling, and suddenly I wanted him to actually be my husband in all aspects?
I poked at the fire with a stick, embers flying into the air and landing on the ground.
It was ridiculous, and it wasn’t fair to Lor. But I’d never been known to be a fair person. Fierce, yes. Stubborn, absolutely. Courageous, to be sure. Not fair.
“Mind if I join you?”
I looked up to see Leena standing there, the waning sun lighting her blond hair.
I gestured to the spot on the ground next to me. “There’s plenty of room.”
“I think Lor went to bathe,” Leena said, “but he told me to let you know he’d join you shortly.”
“It seems like you two have a lot of catching up to do.” I internally winced at the bitterness of my tone.
“We don’t,” Leena said. “Not in that way. I—”
I turned to face her. “Were you two lovers?”
Her green eyes widened, her mouth making a perfect O shape. “I—well, yes.”
A pit formed in my stomach, and I ignored it. “It’s okay,” I said. “It’s not like I knew him, then. Not like he betrayed me.”
“Lor and I were the first rebels Arthon recruited,” Leena said softly.
“Arthon?” I asked. I’d heard the name.
“He founded the rebels,” Leena explained.
Ah. Lor had never mentioned him, but Ronan had.
“For years, it was us three, the only rebels among the brotherhood. We just had each other. Lor protected me from Arthon. He could be cruel. He was very critical of everything. He expected perfection from us, and if he didn’t get it, he’d tear us down.
Lor took it hard when he didn’t meet Arthon’s expectations, and I think somewhere along the way, Lor stopped knowing the difference between his internal voice and Arthon’s. ”
Every instance of Lor being critical, rigid, cold, flashed through my mind. It all made sense now. Lor had spent years in an environment where perfection was expected. And he carried that with him, holding himself to impossible standards.
A sad smile tugged Leena’s lips. “Whenever I did something wrong, Lor would somehow do something worse to get Arthon’s attention off me. Arthon would call Lor names, tell him he wasn’t worthy, tell him he regretted ever recruiting Lor.”
I winced. That was horrible.
“I loved him for the way he protected me. I think in a way we were inevitable.” She jolted like she was shaking herself from a memory. “Sorry.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That Lor did that. That Lor suffered through that. Ronan had hinted at it when we’d talked, but I’d never have guessed it was that bad.
“We were never more than lovers. I did ask him to marry me, you know.” Leena gave an embarrassed laugh as my head whipped toward her.
“You what?”
Her cheeks turned pink, and she shook her head. “It was silly. And Lor very gently let me know he had no intention of getting married, that he never wanted to.”
The pit in my stomach deepened, and I hated it. It didn’t matter that he never wanted a wife. I never wanted a husband. We were on the same page. It was a good thing. At least it was supposed to be.
“I’m sorry,” Leena said quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that—he’s obviously changed his mind now that he’s married to you.”
“You were there the day he kissed me and broke my curse,” I said. “He had no choice in the matter. He bound himself to me, to the crown.”
Leena’s face softened, and she leaned forward. “Nothing happened between us. It wasn’t even Lor who did anything. I’m the one who reached for him. It was stupid. I’ve missed him so much, and—” She covered her cheeks. “I’m doing a horrible job of explaining.”
I actually felt sorry for this mortal woman. She clearly was trying to make the situation better and was also failing miserably.
“It’s alright,” I said. “There’s no love between me and Lor. We both got stuck in a situation neither of us desired. What he does outside of our marriage doesn’t affect me.”
Leena shook her head. “I don’t think that’s true.”
I snorted. “That we got stuck together? I assure you it is.”
“No, that it doesn’t affect you. When you walked in on us, you looked like someone who’d just been gutted with a fish hook.”
“You’re wrong,” I burst out. A group of rebel members walked by, glancing at us, and I lowered my voice. “I spent my life as a slave, always doing someone else’s bidding. I had no desire to be chained to anyone else ever again.”
Her brows drew together. “That’s what you think marriage is?”
“That’s what I think marriage to Lor is,” I snapped. “He’s so stubborn, so headstrong, so sure he’s always right. He doesn’t compromise or listen . . .”
“This mission was his idea?” Leena asked in a tone that told me she already knew the answer.
“Well, no. I wanted to do this, and he . . . followed.” I mumbled the last word.
“It’s not that he’s trying to control you.
It’s just that he’s so convinced everything falls on him, that he’s ultimately responsible.
Arthon instilled those ideals in him. Made him believe he had to hold himself to impossible standards.
He’s been chasing those standards ever since, punishing himself when he can’t reach them. ”
I swallowed. He did something so brave in joining the rebels, so unbelievably hard, all so he could make a difference.
A warm feeling spread through me that had nothing to do with the fire. Lor was a good king, and maybe we didn’t have to be enemies. Maybe he’d been right about being partners, working together.
But that was all we’d be. I grabbed my wrist, massaging the scar tissue, feeling the familiar metal chains snapping closed.
I stared up at the darkened sky, the sun now gone and replaced by glittering stars and the crescent moon. The firelight washed us in orange and yellow shades. “You and Lor can do whatever you’d like. Truly. Don’t let me get in the way.”
The words tasted like bile on my tongue, but I swallowed the sour taste.
Leena’s eyes widened. “Lor would never do that. He wouldn’t betray his marriage. Not when he would see it as wrong.”
Of course not. I didn’t know if her words made me feel better or worse.
I stood abruptly, needing to get away from Leena and this conversation. “I’m quite tired. You can let Lor know I decided to retire for the evening.”
Without waiting for a reply, I walked away from her and toward my tent.