Chapter 29
Ava
I didn’t feel nervous as I brought Tucker into my bedroom. I figured that this time I had more knowledge about what was about to happen than I might’ve before.
After my time at the shelter and all the life experience explained to me by the women there, I had a pretty good grasp of how things would go.
It was a good deal different from movies and TV shows. I knew that much.
Tucker cared a lot. That was important, at least according to Alicia and Tara and Yvonne. Most men didn’t.
I lead a visibly nervous Tucker into my bedroom, but decided to leave the light off. A fair amount of lamplight from the parking lot spilled through the edges of the blinds, which didn’t quite fit the window.
I didn’t feel any more self-conscious about my bedroom than the other parts of my apartment. I knew it was meager, but I was proud of what I’d managed to put together.
In the half-light, the shadowy forms of my bed, which was only a mattress and box spring, and a small dresser I had scavenged didn’t seem quite so bad.
The bed was covered with a soft velour blanket I’d picked up on sale at Target. It was one of my favorite possessions, actually. Sitting on it was like resting on a cloud.
Tucker and I sat side by side on the edge, our thighs pressed against each other.
“It’s just like the first time you kissed me,” Tucker said.
“At the hospital?”
“Yeah.”
I grinned at him, although I wasn’t sure he could see it in the dim light. “So, it sounds like I’ve been the one making all the bold moves.”
He laughed. “Maybe.”
Now that we were here, I felt a little anxious. “I’m still on that shot that I talked about in your story. The night we were supposed to do this.”
He nodded. “Okay. Good.”
This felt awkward. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him. Maybe he wasn’t ready.
If Marguerite and Bethany were right, this whole thing wasn’t worth the effort. There would be a lot of grunting and pushing and being all sticky later.
I was about to call it off, but then Tucker closed the gap to draw me close. Warmth rushed through my body, leaving me tingling.
He kissed my hair, then close to my ear, then my jaw. Finally, he moved to my mouth.
Something about this kiss felt different. It wasn’t light and hurried, like the ones outside the diner, or when we would say goodbye after meeting with Gram.
And it wasn’t new and unfamiliar, like at the carnival.
This kiss hit differently, deeper down. This was a kiss of someone I knew loved me, even if I wasn’t quite ready to love him back. He’d known me all along, and now I had begun to know him, too.
It was a kiss of trust. And longevity. Of new beginnings.
As he pressed his lips to mine, I realized I knew this kiss. This exact one. It was a kiss of wanting more. Of contentment. Security.
He teased my lips open with his tongue, and we pulled closer together, our bodies connected as we sat side by side.
He tasted like mint gum, which made me smile. Tucker always planned ahead. He was thoughtful. Patient.
But as the kiss went on, something flared. Something bright and down low, a spark igniting in what had been a dark, hidden part of me.
His fingers brushed the loose hair at the back of my neck and the tingles became intense, like lightning flew from his fingers.
I sucked in a breath, but Tucker wasn’t hesitant any longer. He dragged me close. He shivered lightly, and I realized he was feeling the same thing. We were going through this together.
There had only been one woman at the shelter who spoke of love in a wistful way. Missy had been engaged once, years before the string of problems that brought her to the shelter with a newborn.
Her first great love had died in a motorcycle accident.
When the other women insisted relationships led only to ruin, she spoke of her feelings in reverent tones.
He had been her everything, tender and caring.
From the way she described him, it seemed like they’d experienced everything as one person.
Now I understood what she meant.
Tucker’s hand slid beneath the bottom of my shirt, and I sucked in a breath at the intensity of my reaction.
I wanted more of this. So much more. I pressed against him, urging him on. Now that we were here, Tucker was no longer tentative at all. His hand slid up my rib cage to cup the cotton bra.
When his thumb crossed over the flimsy fabric, a tiny unexpected sound came out of me. It was half groan, half sigh.
Pleasure splintered through me, cutting through everything I had tried to become. There was no negativity. No bitterness. No sharp edges. The stiff, angry person I had fashioned since learning Mother’s secret fell away like broken shells.
Tucker slipped his thumb beneath the elastic edge of the bra, coming in contact with new skin. I didn’t think these feelings could get any stronger, but they broke wide open. I gasped against his mouth. “Tucker!”
He stilled. “Is this okay?”
“Yes. Don’t stop.”
He smiled again. “You forgot that I already know what you like.”
He was right about that. His hand slowly slid over my bare skin, and I gasped again. My whole body felt on fire. The shelter women had steered me wrong on this. Nobody had talked about how incredible this was.
“Tucker?”
He shifted his mouth to my jaw, sending kisses along the way to my ear. “Yes, Ava?”
“Do you feel like I do? Like your body is on fire?”
His voice near my ear sent a shudder through my body. “More.”
He released me. I wanted to beg him to go back to where he’d been, but he grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Yes. This was better. I almost told him about my bra, but he’d already realized there was no latch in the back and tugged it away to fall with my shirt.
Being exposed to him was so hot. The need to keep going pulsed low in my body. I wanted to get there, but then I wanted this exploration to last forever, too.
Tucker took his time, giving every exposed part of me slow, easy attention. But when he bent down, replacing his hands with his mouth, I saw sparks in my vision.
There was no need for me to control any of this. Tucker knew exactly what he was doing. And he knew me. It was just like he said.
His hair tickled my neck. He pressed me down on the bed, not stopping what he was doing. As he made his way down to my belly. I could scarcely catch my breath.
He stood and slid my legs around so that I was lying fully on the bed. The snap of my jeans popped in the quiet, then the slide of the zipper.
My heart hammered hard. I watched him move in the half-light and tangled my fingers in his hair.
He glanced up at me with a grin, his eyes shining.
My jeans slid down my legs and landed on the floor.
I hadn’t planned for this, so my underwear was plain white cotton from Target. I didn’t look anything like the women in movies or TV shows, all tanned skin and lace.
But the moment Tucker started edging the panties down, my mind was erased of anything but his touch.
The world narrowed to this space. He lifted my hips to remove the last piece of my clothing. His thumb moved down there, and I sucked in a breath with the aching rush that overwhelmed all my other senses.
When he slid a finger more deeply inside, I gasped, my body arching. Whatever I felt before was nothing compared to the explosion of pleasure and emotion that burst through me.
Scenes flashed through my head, unbidden. Tucker smiling at me. Tucker with the daffodils. Tucker walking away, both sad and determined during the time I wouldn’t see him.
The hope in his face whenever I did talk to him.
His concern for me at the carnival.
It all mixed together. The fierce pleasure. The feverish need. His tender care.
Then his mouth was on me, and all thoughts were obliterated. I grasped the blanket with both hands. My body had a mind of its own as it pushed against him.
Even though I was flooded with every kind of pleasure, I still felt like I was reaching for something, straining toward some unknown place I’d never been.
Then it happened. Something inside me clenched, then tightened. I felt as though I was spiraling on the inside. I drew in a breath that was deeper than I had ever breathed before.
I hovered, suspended in this strange inky blackness, the insides of me tight. Then everything let go at once.
I heard my voice saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” mixed in with Tucker’s name and strange unintelligible sounds.
But that was vague and in the distance. My body didn’t feel like a body. It rippled like I imagined waves would on an ocean. Pulse after pulse after pulse, radiating out, starting from within me and seeking the width and breadth of the universe.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my body. I was all waves, signaling out like a radio, as if I was communing with the night sky.
Then gradually, it dissipated, like the glitter bomb Nadia set off once at the diner by accident. For a second, it had caught in the air drafts from the ceiling fans, then slowly it rained down until it littered the floor. And oh, how Big Harry had shouted at her.
I lay there feeling rather than seeing the sparkles fall and land around me on the bed. Tucker hovered over me, watching my face. “You all right?” he asked.
I didn’t have speech yet. I nodded. I reached out to squeeze his arm.
He lay beside me for a moment, and I realized he was still fully dressed while I was completely naked. This struck me as hilarious, and my voice returned and I laughed.
Tucker grinned at me. “This is funny?”
“Did that part happen before? How could I have forgotten?”
He shook his head. “We didn’t get a lot of opportunity to be this alone with so much time.”
“So, you think it’s my first?”
“Seems probable.”
“I think I would’ve left a note about this.” I rested the back of my hand on my forehead. “Of course, if there was a note about this, Mother would’ve taken it for sure.”
“She can’t get you here.” Tucker ran the back of his hand along my arm.