Chapter 30
Cillian
My eyes blinked open to sunlight, warmth, and a bone-deep tiredness that filled my body.
“Cillian?” Nevan scrambled to a stand from next to my bed. “He’s awake!” My brother pushed his spectacles up his nose. “Wolfe, Mother—he’s awake!”
My head thunked against the headboard as I blinked the grime from my eyes.
Mother stood at the end of my bed, hair escaping her bun, her eyes tired but alert. She motioned toward the door. “Wolfe, Nevan, go get Enid and then your father. Tell them Cillian came back to us.” Her voice wobbled on that last word.
Came back to us.
My brothers left the room, the doors closing behind them. A rose petal floated from the wall, landing next to me in the bed, and I lifted it, studying it like I was seeing it for the first time.
“How long have I been unconscious?” I asked.
“A week,” Mother said, coming to sit in the chair beside the bed. “Longest week of my life.”
“Godwitches, I’m sorry.” There was no point in pretending. By now Fargus would’ve told them about my illicit activities. He’d have had no choice, and I didn’t blame my adviser. I should have been the one to tell them. “Who found me?”
“Margaret. Apparently you were calling for her.” Mother paused for a beat. “Why?” she asked. “Why did you feel like you had to numb everything?”
I sighed and raked a hand through my hair, noticing the quiver in it. My limbs were like water. Barely feeling solid.
She shook her head. “The thing is, I know why. I knew as soon as I got to your room and saw Ceri hovering over you, banging your chest and crying for you to wake up. I knew as soon as she told me what you’d been taking.”
I jolted upward. “What? Ceri was here?”
Mother nodded. “She’s been a wreck.” She tsked. “I always wondered why you two couldn’t make it work. Why you never went after her. You seemed so perfect for each other.”
My heart clenched, an unfamiliar feeling, and unlike a week ago, this time it didn’t feel like it was going to kill me. It felt uncomfortable but not unmanageable.
“We are perfect for each other,” I said. “Or, at least, I think so.”
“She does too.” Mother’s lips quirked just the slightest.
“You don’t know that.”
Mother sent me a pointed look. “Cillian Wolfgang, that woman had to be pulled off you by your brothers. She refused to leave your side.”
That couldn’t be right. “What about her father?”
My mother smiled gently. “Margaret stayed with him. She made sure he was okay while Ceri was here.”
“Right.”
“It’s because of her, though, right? That’s why you took it? Because once you became high prince, it changed things.”
I swallowed thickly. “It did. You know Ceri. You know her father. She could never leave him, and I’d never ask her to.”
“But you want to ask,” Mother said. “You want her to be your queen.”
I snorted. “As if it’s my choice.”
Mother grabbed my hands, gathering them in hers.
“Cillian, you got it wrong on your wedding day.” She bit her lip.
“I’m sorry that you thought marriage was all I wanted for you.
That’s never been what it’s about. All I wanted for my sons was love.
Love and happiness. Ceri makes you so happy.
I see it every time you’re together. Even when you were taking that heartstopper, it never completely numbed you when you were around her.
You lit up. I should’ve said something sooner.
I meddled too much with Wolfe and Nevan, and I wanted to give you space, let you and Ceri find your own way.
But I wish I’d said something sooner . . .”
“It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for my mistakes. I love Ceri more than anything,” I said.
Mother’s hand floated to her mouth, her blue-grey eyes welling with tears.
“And that’s why I’ll never tell her. I’ve suspected she feels the same, but she can’t move to the castle.
She can’t leave her father, and if I confessed my love, then what?
All I’d be doing is causing her pain. Forcing her to make a choice she shouldn’t have to make.
At least this way I get to have her in my life and not complicate things. ”
Mother stared at me down her nose, and suddenly I felt like a small boy about to be taught a lesson.
“Cillian, Ceri is thirty-five years old. She’s a grown woman and perfectly capable of making her own choices.
But she can’t do that if you’re not letting her.
You know her as well as I do. She’d want to be able to make this choice for herself.
And you two are adults. You can figure this out together.
You’re not going to lose her. You love her too much to ever let that happen. ”
Hope sparked within me for the first time in a long time. Then I remembered the trials and sank farther into the bed. “Except right now Castle is planning who’s to be my wife.”
Mother arched a brow. “And have you ever thought this was Castle’s way of bringing you and Ceri together? That that’s the ultimate plan?”
I huffed out a laugh. “I don’t think so. Knowing Castle, I’ll probably end up married to the cat.”
Mother choked out a laugh. “You’re going to have a long recovery, Cillian. You did a lot of damage to your heart and your mind. You’re going to have cravings. Sometimes your emotions might be more heightened than usual.”
“Perfect. So glad I don’t have a stressful job.”
Mother laughed again. “At least you’ve got your sense of humor back.”
“That’s something. So what have I missed? I’m guessing the trials have been put on hold unless Castle decided to go ahead and do away with the high prince altogether. Fairwitch Isle would probably be better for it.”
“Cillian Wolfgang, you care about this city more than anyone I know. We’ve been invisible for so long, in hiding, afraid of the Brotherhood of Magic, yet you’ve kept us all sane.
You’ve found ways to bring us together, ways to keep our community thriving, ways to make us all feel safe.
Don’t you dare act like you’re not worthy of this crown.
” She raised her chin. “I don’t think the crown is worthy of you. ”
Now instead of clenching, my damn heart was melting, another odd sensation rolling through me.
I shifted. “Thank you,” I finally said. “Maybe one day I’ll actually believe that.”
“Well, I hope it’s soon. Now that you’re awake, I’m afraid Castle is going to throw another trial at you.”
“Hopefully Castle waits until I’m strong enough to walk,” I said, looking up at the walls around me and raising my voice to really make sure it heard me.
“How are you feeling?” Mother asked, and I sent her a pointed stare.
“I have no idea.”
She let out a giggle, then clapped her hand over her mouth like she’d done something wrong. I laughed, too, and then we were both laughing, and even though my emotions felt like a knotted, tangled mess inside, this felt good. It felt like hope.
“Enid is going to be checking in on you and going over your treatment plan. There are a few tonics she’d like you to take. She’d also like you to start talking to someone.”
I raised a brow. “That’s all I do. I talk to people. All day long.”
“A professional someone. Someone who can help you get more in touch with your emotions.”
I groaned. That sounded like just about the worst thing I could think of.
Mother patted my hand. “Don’t worry about all that now. Just rest and know that we’re all here for you. Especially Ceri.”
I blew out a breath.
“Do you know what you’re going to do?”
Golden curls and a challenging stare flashed in my mind. “Yes,” I said, voice resolute. Now I would just need the courage to do it.