This Side of Beautiful

Chapter Nine

janae

Acid, and not from hunger, burned holes in my stomach as we walked back into the house carrying containers of eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles, biscuits, and grits. Men loved sex and food, and since the only man I wanted to sex in this group was already on my side, I’d settled for food. It had to work. I needed The Hollow Bones to agree to record a song with me. It was my best chance to get back in the game and win again. Landon had been cooperative and accommodating when I suggested buying everyone brunch, and had helped me order their favs. He’d eaten a plain biscuit with a side of sausage to feed his growling belly before we left this Black-owned breakfast spot, willing to accommodate my order quickly once they knew who we were.

Brian, who lounged in the large living area, jumped up when he saw the food. He smiled wide, displaying dimples I’d never noticed, and quickly pulled his locs into a man bun with the band around his wrist. “I was just about to order something. Please say I smell cheese grits. Nothing like Southern cooking.”

I sighed internally. One down. Three more to go. “Yep. Got butter and cheesy.” I opened the cabinets and found plates and platters. With the help of Brian and Landon, I soon converted the wide marble island into a buffet full of delicious food, complete with orange juice and mimosas chilling in champagne flutes.

I nudged Landon’s side. “Can you tell everyone that food is here?”

Landon yelled, “Food.”

I popped his arm. “I could have done that.”

Brian snickered. “They might not have come if they heard your voice.”

“They really hate me?” I ignored the urge to rub my stomach.

“Hate is relative. Hate you as a human being, hate that you lost us money, hate that we’ve been coerced to perform with you, or hate that you might be the one to get us through the gate? Several hates to choose from.” He tossed a biscuit to Landon, who immediately chomped on it.

I groaned. “That’s not a good answer.”

“It’s the most truthful one.”

“Then answer this.” I straightened the plates into a tighter stack.

Brian gripped the island, his expression expectant.

“Do you want to do a song with me?”

He tugged on his long beard. “It’s not if I want to do it. It’s up to the band. We don’t make moves until we all agree.”

“Still, I want to know how you feel.”

“He told you already. We don’t make moves until we all agree,” Cedrick growled as he entered the kitchen. A young, pretty woman wearing last night’s party dress followed him.

“You speak for Brian, too?” I said.

“What she mean by that?” Landon asked as he leaned on the counter near the refrigerator, holding a flute of orange juice.

Cedrick replied, “She accused me of speaking for you… like I have control over what you do.” He addressed the woman draping her arms all over him. “You want something to eat before you go?”

“That’s not what I meant,” I replied.

Landon turned to me. “What did you mean?”

“Do you want to stay or go?” Cedrick again asked the woman, who seemed more interested in our conversation than in answering him.

“Of course she wants to stay as long as you let her,” I answered impatiently as I picked up a plate. “What do you want to eat? Shit?”

“Don’t forget to add some pancakes to that shit,” Cedrick drawled.

“Peace… peace,” Brian interjected. “I need peace with my breakfast.”

Landon swallowed his juice, grabbed two slices of bacon, and left the kitchen before I could explain what had transpired between me and his best friend. His quiet exit blew louder than a bullhorn. I had to humble myself. I couldn’t let Cedrick get under my skin. I’d fucked up. Not him. He had every right not to trust me.

Humble pie . “Peace while we eat. Got it.” I smiled at Cedrick. “I don’t mind getting you a plate. What would you like?”

“I can make his plate,” the woman tersely said, and kissed him, marking her territory.

“Trust me, you can have him and his plate.” I raised my hands before anyone said anything. “Sorry… sorry. Peace.”

Cedrick only smirked while she busied herself, preparing his plate like she was prepping for a role as wifey. I’d been on this side of the music business and knew most of these musicians and entertainers played at love. They ran through women like a flash flood, and at one point, I’d gone through men the same way. Along the way, I lost a man who’d tried to be there for me, and with how Landon just left, I might have lost him before I’d ever had him. Who was I to judge Cedrick or anyone?

The internal burn coated my stomach and chest again. I closed my eyes briefly. Breathe in good thoughts and push out any negativity .

I grabbed a flute of orange juice and gulped it down before I plopped a large scoop of cheese grits on Brian’s plate. “More?”

He nodded happily. “I want the whole container.”

“Hey… I want some grits.” Charles walked in, shirtless, his walnut-hued chest completely tatted, rubbing his bald head.

“Bruh, we have women in here. Put on some clothes.” Brian threw a dishtowel at him.

Charles shrugged. “Janae and whoever this woman is have seen more than this. They’ll survive.”

“Mocha,” Cedrick’s random announced.

“That’s your name or coffee flavor?” Charles’s bland, unconcerned tone completely flew over her head.

“My name,” she said proudly.

“No one gives a fuck… especially Cedrick,” Brian said under his breath, and I pinched his forearm. “Quit it, Janae.”

“You want more cheese grits or not?” I replied.

He held his hands up. “Okay… I’ll stop.”

Another woman sporting a club dress led Santiago by the hand into the kitchen. “Looks good, Janae. And you remembered salsa. Thanks.” He rubbed his hands together with a huge grin.

“How do you know she did this?” Brian asked as if insulted.

Santiago only scoffed, picked up a plate, and asked the lady, “What do you want to eat?”

At least he had manners. Santiago could be another ally. Cedrick would be the hardest to convince. Yet he was a businessman first. I had to appeal to his practical side without invoking his obstinate one.

The men moved around the kitchen like brothers, eating, teasing, smiling, and talking. They were a family. These would be my tour mates for the next two months. Ten cities. And I would win them over by taking care of them like I used to take care of my brother. The Hollow Bones would become my family, too. They would love me like they loved each other.

“You not eating?” Charles asked.

“Wanted to make sure there was enough,” I improvised. My appetite was long gone.

He passed me a plate with a waffle and sausage. “Eat.”

I preferred the eggs and bacon, but no way was I going to refuse a plate from the most nonchalant member of The Hollow Bones. I gladly received the food. “Thank you.”

Charles grunted as he pulled out a stool at the island so I could sit. He and Brian joined me, and we broke bread together.

Progress .

With clasped hands, I stood before the men in the living area, where they were all sprawled out on the large maroon sectional and coordinating chaise longue. The women were gone, and appetites had been satisfied.

“Hear me out,” I began.

“What do you think we’re doing when we should be practicing?” Cedrick asked, centering the sectional with his arms strewn across its back.

Landon, who’d disappeared until I texted him that I was starting the meeting, straddled the chaise nearest me. “She won’t take long.”

Grateful for his presence, I smiled at him, and his brows dipped until the ends touched. Okay . I was on my own. “Despite what happened Friday night, I’m not that same chick you knew from the past.”

The men snickered. Even Landon smirked.

“Seriously, I wasn’t being a diva. I didn’t know I was expected to be at the rehearsal the whole time. Cash’s words got the best of me and threw me off. I didn’t want to mess up the show for you or him. I did use after being clean for three years. I was a nervous wreck, and I couldn’t figure out how to calm down without taking anything. But it won’t happen again. I’ll see my therapist as soon as I get back to Los Angeles. I’m not craving or tempted to use again.”

“It can’t happen again,” Cedrick said firmly. “No drunken, drugged-out moments like Friday. No diva behavior. Whenever we rehearse, you stay the entire time and be on time. In fact, be there fifteen minutes early. We only have ten shows, and we don’t have time for your shit, Janae. Del begged us to take you and guaranteed us a nice paycheck. Without that, we would have passed on you.”

Refusing to allow his words to penetrate the armor I’d used to rise as far as I had, I boasted with a smug smile, “And your paycheck will double, possibly triple. New Orleans, Atlanta, and now New York are sold out. The rest of the shows are almost sold out. Los Angeles is the biggest venue, and by the time we wrap up there, promoters will be begging us to add more dates. Just think how much attention and money we can make if we have a hit single. A single that shoots to the top within a matter of weeks.” I placed my hands on my hips. “I wrote the lyrics to every single number-one smash I had. I’ll do it again. This time backed by The Hollow Bones.”

“It’s not our music.” Santiago checked his watch. “We want to maintain who we are. We’ve won Grammys based on who we are. Mainstream has a way of demanding we melt into the machine and lose our uniqueness and individuality.”

I stepped closer to them. “I’m not asking you to do my music. I’m proposing our music.”

“Naw… it’s The Hollow Bones and then Janae. There is no ‘our’ in whatever we create,” Cedrick retorted.

“She just meant for the single.” Brian sounded exasperated. “Janae has a point. We would make serious loot while the iron is hot. This will bring more eyes on us while we still do what we do best. Our second LP can be a commercial and artistically sound success, remembered forever. Pop music isn’t the devil.”

Charles snorted. “Just the idea of changing our music to reflect what’s popular has caused a rift in the band. Creating a song with you could further divide us. We can’t fall like many bands before us. The only thing that’s a fact is that past behavior predicts future behavior. Hence, Friday night. Yeah, you killed it, but you were high, and if Landon didn’t intervene, you were headed to Cash’s room. We’re all men, and you’re the only woman. I don’t want to risk our solid brand or our rep as good guys.”

The other men nodded while Landon hunched forward. The tension from his body bounced off him.

“You have every right not to trust me or believe I’ve changed. You’ve laid down the rules and made it clear that you won’t tolerate my past behavior. I accept your rules. Now, I need the chance to prove that this tour and recording a song with me isn’t a mistake. I’m not asking you to shift your style of music to mine or change anything for me. I’m proposing a meeting of two worlds. People love the familiar and what’s trending. Who says we can’t establish the trend and let them follow us? Lauryn Hill’s versatility made The Fugees different from any hip-hop group.”

“And that group disbanded after two albums,” Cedrick reminded me. “Let’s tour first, and if you don’t fuck it up, then we might consider an original song with you. The spotlight is already on us, and our brand is everything.”

The guys all nodded except Landon. He leaned forward as if to say something and then sat back, tightening his jaw.

I took it as a sign that he still thought like I did. That hopping on it now was a better move.

A new idea popped up. I bounced on my toes. “Where are your instruments?”

Brian said, “Why?”

Landon answered, “On the ground floor.”

“I can show you better than I can tell you.” I beckoned them as I practically skipped through the house and down the stairs.

The men reluctantly joined me in the makeshift band room.

“Everyone go to their spots.” I clapped my hands.

“We’re not kids,” Charles grumbled as he picked up the saxophone.

Surprisingly, Cedrick went to the keyboards without complaint. Santiago stood behind his bass, and Brian picked up his sticks. Landon lifted his guitar and strummed a few chords. Santiago nodded and replicated what he’d just heard.

I closed my eyes, allowing the sounds to carry me away. I uttered, “You got a way, got a way, got a way… pulling me closer, again and again..”

A drumbeat followed the pattern set by Landon and Santiago, followed by the sexy, melodic sound of the sax.

“Shit, y’all can play,” I said, eyes closed. Words raced through my head. “Our song is a celebration of music… a love ode, right? We’re talking about the love of music, but people will think we’re talking about intimacy and passion between two people. We can even add a trumpet somewhere. Maybe an acoustic guitar. I’m waiting for the keys.” I teased, “Trying to figure out where you fit in, Ced?”

“Cedrick,” he corrected me crossly, though a second later, he joined in.

I hummed and swayed to the smooth sounds of The Hollow Bones. After a few notes had passed, the lyrics sprang from me. “Never thought I would find someone like you… someone so true, so fly, who gets my blues…”

More flowed from me as I settled into the groove. Brian whistled his approval before he quickened the pace. “Think it should be a more up-tempo song so Janae can throw a few bars after she sings.”

Santiago said, “Nah… we should keep the whole song mellow. No rap.”

“But she’s known for her lyrical skills, too. Our new song should have bars and a hook,” Charles argued, and I hid the smile that threatened as the band continued playing.

“Let whatever happens happen,” Brian suggested.

More lyrics poured out of me, and we jammed. Our love of music overrode any differences. Only good vibes infused the space, and what had been a good idea by our manager became the best one in a long time.

I left my eyes closed to keep my head in the moment. Watching the men perform would disrupt my creativity, and right then, we were all on a fantastic roll. I swayed my arms around, listening for each instrument, judging the clarity and the blend. “The sound is so clear, and we just made this up. Imagine a trumpet coming in right now. The instrumentation will be even more powerful in the studio and these small venues, reminding fans why a real band hits harder than synths. Reminding the world why The Hollow Bones is not only relevant but the best in the world.”

The band continued, and I opened my eyes and pleaded, “Come on, we can do this. The first time around, I didn’t know my worth and how much I lost before. Now, I do, and I’m in therapy. I won’t let you down again.”

I kept my arms by my sides, though I wanted so badly to cross them over my rapidly beating heart as I awaited their answer.

Cedrick addressed the guys. “The Hollow Bones will play strong and clear for the first thirty seconds. Santiago can add a trumpet twenty seconds in. Let Janae come in with her big voice, and then before the song ends, she’ll rip a couple of bars, and we’ll finish with the instrumental and her humming. I think we could mix our two styles without losing us.”

My chest expanded as I searched for Landon’s approval. He stared back, expressionless, yet to speak.

I planted my hands on my hips again. “It’s only been a half-hour, and we’ve figured out the arrangement. So, do we want to wait until two months to complete and release the song?”

Everyone except Landon looked at Cedrick. Cedrick’s nostrils flared as he grudgingly agreed. “Fine. We’ll go into the studio once we go home to New York for our shows. That’s four cities in, and we’ll know if you’re worth our brand to do a record by then.”

I bounced slightly from foot to foot. “I wanted to cut it in Los Angeles before we started the tour… I thought the laid-back vibe would inspire us. If we do the record now, we can open or close with the song when we perform together.”

Landon finally spoke. “New York after four cities. Del will handle the money and business side, and it will be The Hollow Bones featuring Janae Warner.”

The room grew eerily silent, and I realized that as much as Cedrick appeared to be the voice, Landon was undoubtedly the one everyone listened to, including me.

“That works.” I nodded.

Brian suddenly picked me up and spun me around.

I squealed with delight and tapped his back to put me down. “Stop it.”

“We’re about to be on top.” He placed me back on my feet, and I returned his beaming smile.

“It’s time for the band to meet alone. If you need to take the Rover back to the hotel, you can. One of us will retrieve it later,” Landon drily commented as he re-tuned his guitar.

“I planned to support the band at tonight’s show, so I can bring it back tonight or meet you at the venue,” I offered, hating the timidity in my voice at Landon’s blunt tone.

Brian returned to his drum set, and the others drifted to their instruments.

“No need. We can get a car to drive us tonight. If I don’t see you later, catch you in New Orleans in a month,” Landon said, pushing down his hat. He turned, facing his bandmates, effectively dismissing me.

Suddenly, my victory seemed hollow. No pun intended.

“Hey, Del. The guys went for it. They want to cut a record with me,” I announced through the Rover’s speaker once he answered the phone. “We started working on the song, and I just know it’ll be a hit.”

I’d decided to borrow the vehicle and drive around the city to process my feelings about Landon and why his dismissal mattered so much. Cedrick was a bit nicer, and the other guys seemed to accept me. I should have been happy, and all I could fret about was Landon’s coolness toward me.

The longer I drove, the longer the burning feeling faded. I couldn’t allow a man I didn’t even really know three days ago to make me feel less than. I had to be different in every way from the old me, and being different required that I wouldn’t rely on what a man thought of me to dictate my emotions. I had convinced an award-winning group of men who didn’t trust me to work with me. I should and would be happy and proud of what I’d done today, regardless of Landon’s hot-cold behavior.

“That’s good news, and a good look for you and Hollow. We can hammer out the details tomorrow once we leave Houston and take it from there.” He paused. “The film crew has been looking for you. You’re back home, Janae. We could be getting good behind-the-scenes footage, like of your old house, the schools you went to, your favorite places, and memories, and you keep disappearing. This is your homecoming. People want to know your background.”

“I’ll be back in time for Hollow Bones’ show. We can film me getting ready for that, our planning for the tour, and I can show you my schools and my old neighborhood tomorrow before we head to Los Angeles,” I said matter-of-factly, though I bit back tears that I didn’t have happy memories of favorite places in Houston. Bad things had happened to me there. I lived in L.A. now, but with everything that’d gone down with my career and my last relationship, I wasn’t sure I had a home base anymore. No place brought me comfort.

“Where are you? The cameras should be with you now. It’s a beautiful Sunday.”

“I just left Hollow Bones’ place, and they don’t want to be filmed.”

Del countered, “They agreed to be filmed if it’s related to the music, and if you were negotiating with them about music, the cameras should have been there.”

If the cameras had been there, we wouldn’t have created the start of a beautiful song together, and I doubted they would’ve agreed to do a record with me. I kept those thoughts to myself.

“I call you with good news, and I’m getting a lecture about what I should be doing and asking about my whereabouts. You’re my manager, not my father.”

He cleared his throat. “As your manager and not your father, I spoke to your mother and brother on your behalf. They’re willing to be filmed, and they want to see you. We can stay another day or two to record you reuniting with your family again.”

“You did what?” I tried to temper my tone and language out of respect. “Please, say you didn’t speak to my family without my permission. Del, you’re overstepping.”

“I’m not. Your mother contacted me through the local radio station Friday night because she doesn’t have your phone number, asking why she wasn’t invited to see you perform. I didn’t get the message until this morning. I called her to apologize for the oversight and explained that you were an invited guest to the show. I told her that you were probably waiting to invite her to one of your shows on the road. I also told her we were filming a reality series, and she wanted to be a part of it.”

“Del, if I wanted my mother to see my show Friday or any other show, I would’ve invited her.”

“I know that, but she sounded so hurt, and I couldn’t make her feel worse,” he reasoned.

I pulled to the side of the street and stared out the windshield. “I don’t want her to be a part of my reality series or to be reunited for the cameras. I’m not ready. Not sure if I’ll ever be ready.”

“Your mother seems to be trying, Janae, and as a father who isn’t on the best terms with my children, I know that sometimes all we need is a push in the right direction. I wish someone would help me reconnect with my kids.”

His tone was wistful. I hadn’t known that he had problems with his children. He never talked about his family, and I guessed I’d never asked because he seemed content with his work and life. Still, he couldn’t bring his personal issues into any decisions concerning me.

“Sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” I replied.

“Do I need to remind you for the millionth time that it was your idea to do a reality series following you as you make your comeback? People want to see it all, Janae. Of course they want to see a glamorous world most will never know. But they also want to know if you’re just like them. Even if you’re not ready to talk to your family, I still want to give them a chance to speak. You can get final approval before we release their portion of the video. Then you can do a confessional about your feelings on whatever they decide to say or talk about.”

“You don’t get it. I haven’t even spoken to my mother in four years. I’ve been to hell and back, and she refused my calls. She doesn’t care about me, and my brother does whatever she says. I don’t want people to know that sob story.” I wiped the tears that I hated still fell whenever I thought about the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

“That’s exactly why they should know. It’s your truth, Janae. Maybe then people can see why you self-destructed like you did before. Maybe people can understand how a talented and vibrant twenty-eight-year-old has no friends or family. Isn’t this show more than just about your comeback? I thought this was a chance to show people the real you so they can stop judging your mistakes so harshly. I wanted to work with you because of your honesty. I see your determination and can feel your heart. Let the world see and feel it, too.”

“Ugh… I hate it when you’re right.” I chuckled through my tears. “I’m serious, Del. I need complete control on the final cut involving my family. I don’t care what the producer says.”

“I’ll work it out.”

“Then you have my permission to talk to my family, but there’ll be no reunion on camera.”

I hung up and watched from three houses down as my mother, in her Sunday best, carried two plastic bags of groceries from her black 4Runner into the four-bedroom home I’d bought her with my first big check. She looked the same yet different, her pretty, cinnamon-colored face softer than I remembered.

Maybe she’d changed like I had. Maybe Del had been right, and she was hurt that I didn’t invite her to my first show in three years at the rodeo, a place she loved. A place where I’d envisioned I’d perform as a kid, to a packed house with my family in the stands beaming back at me.

In one of her nicer moods when I was a teenager, Mom had told me she’d dreamed of seeing me be a headliner for the rodeo. Maybe she’d realized the error of her ways when I didn’t invite her to the one event where she would’ve loved to see me perform. Maybe she wanted to make amends for not being the mother she should’ve been to me. Maybe she wanted to love me like I’d always loved her.

I waved as if I wanted her to see me as she walked inside and shut the door. “Hey, Mommy. I finally did it. I made Houston proud. I hope you’re proud of me, too.”

I didn’t know how long I wept in the car, too afraid to get out and see if my maybes were correct, too afraid to talk to the woman who’d brought me into the world, too afraid she would trigger me worse than anyone or anything when my sanity needed to be protected.

My phone rang, and it was Del again. Instead of answering, I wiped my eyes and running nose with the sleeves of my sweatshirt and pressed the ignition button.