Confessional
janae
I set the phone’s camera to landscape mode and set it on the nightstand, as the producer had suggested, since I didn’t want any crew in Landon ’s bedroom, where I sat propped up against the headboard . I kissed the coin around my neck, waved at the camera, and took a deep breath.
“In my head, I call myself crazy at least once a day. It may not be politically correct, or I might get canceled once this show drops, because I believe that I’m a crazy bitch most days.” I studied my manicured nails. “I looked up the word, and it said ‘wildly incoherent or irrational,’ and it also said ‘overly excited or enthusiastic.’”
I refocused on my phone. “Another definition of ‘crazy’ is appearing ‘absurdly out of place.’ If those terms don’t fit me, then I don’t know what other word would. I ask for forgiveness instead of permission for those who take offense, but I choose to embrace that side of me, especially with how I’ve been acting these last few days.
“We’re leaving New York in a couple of hours. Minneapolis and Chicago, I see you. These last three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Recording and dropping a hit single, fans rushing us wherever we go, getting even closer to my glam squad, the fellas, and my Landon.” I chuckled. “Ya’ll better stop with all those nasty DMs to The Hollow Bones account. Landon doesn’t have social media and never checks the band’s account. And be nice when you see him in public. Despite how hot he looks, he’s really chill and low key. Hates all the attention not directed to his music.”
I pulled my knees to my chest. “The pressures of my success have been a lot, and I go from feeling like the luckiest woman on the planet to a pile of shit underneath someone’s shoe. It has been hard to balance my moods or impulsivity with my hectic schedule. The other night in Brooklyn with my fans could have been disastrous, and it would have been all my fault. Luckily, everything is everything. Shoutout to the staff of Junior’s and my fans who celebrated with me that night. It got a little scary, but I know it was because you rock with me, and I never want to take you for granted.”
Tucking my chin on my knees, I sighed. “I’m at a crossroads because my career has already risen higher than ever before with the release of ‘Fallen Star.’ I can either continue to fly high or crash as I did three years ago. Except the stakes are much higher if I fail again. I’m surrounded by people who care, and I can’t risk losing them.”
Landon’s breakdown had frightened me and forced me to hold a mirror up to my erratic or manic episodes. It wasn’t fair to expect anyone to deal with my attitudes and behavior because of how I chose to cope.
“Because you’ve been on this journey from the beginning, I thought it was only fair to share this with you. Much as I wanted to fight my battle with sheer will, coping skills, and faith, I needed more to function at my best. Medicine may not be the optimal treatment for everyone with bipolar, but I hope it is for me.” I picked up the orangish-brown pill bottle, opened it, and popped a pink capsule in my mouth. I chased it with my Perrier water. “I’m officially back on lithium.”
I then stopped recording before I erased the video.