Chapter Thirty-Five
janae
An hour earlier
“Janae, why are you so cold? Your teeth are chattering,” Frankie said as she started prepping my face for makeup.
“I can’t seem to relax. Been trying all day. Landon has tried everything. Warm bath, music, a massage.” Although I hadn’t been taking my meds consistently, I’d tried to reach Dr. Brownson to see if I could take extra pills or get something else to take the edge off, to no avail. Even my time in Del’s studio with Cedrick and Landon, which had initially worked like a salve, seemed like a far-off memory.
“Sex.” Jeri giggled from the wardrobe rack. “If he gave you a bath and a massage, sex had to follow.”
Despite my bad nerves, I managed to smile. “Yeah, we did.”
Frankie pressed concealer around my eyes as she added, “It’s just another show. Besides, it looks like you have more love here than anywhere else.”
“I also have more haters here, too.”
“Is that woman, who we will never name, still harassing you? Get over it. It’s been years. She’s the stupid one, staying married to him. You’re not the only one he’s been caught with. He’s for the streets,” Jeri retorted.
“He is for the streets, but L.A. is her city, too.” I pushed out my breath, trying to regulate my nerves.
Frankie looked at me in the mirror. “Have you heard from your ex since you’ve been home?”
“No.” I slowly met her eyes. “Landon would be upset if he knew I still wanted acknowledgment from my ex. Adam doesn’t mean anything to me. I just thought that since I’m back in Los Angeles, he would’ve sent me a note or something saying he’s proud of me. Performing at the Forum was a goal I shared with Adam that never happened.”
“Why does it matter?” Frankie asked.
“Then I would know he truly forgives me for everything. I hurt him the most. He lost serious money bailing me out of my mistakes, and I caused drama in his family because he stuck by me.”
Jeri’s brows dipped. “It sounds like he was good to you despite everything you put him through. Are you sure you still don’t have feelings for him?”
I chuckled. “Oh, he wasn’t a saint either. We were taking turns cheating on each other. He just recognized before I did that we were toxic for each other, and because he cared, he didn’t desert me like everyone else. Well, he didn’t until he fell in love. He’s a different man now. Guess my ego was hurt that I wasn’t enough to change him.”
Frankie laughed. “Girl, you can’t change a man unless he wants to be changed. Maybe he grew into a better person, just like you did. He just happened to find love again first. Let that nonsense go, because Landon loves the air you breathe. All the women trying to get at him everywhere we go, and he doesn’t even flinch.”
I turned around on my stool to face them. “This real-love shit is crazy. Like this man barely raises his voice at me even though I deserve it half the time. He likes the quiet me and even the parts of me that are loud and need constant attention. He’s not walking around jealous if I smile or hug another man. He trusts me, though he’s fully aware of my past with men. I clung to Adam because I didn’t have anyone else and not because I couldn’t be without him. We were together for four years.
“It’s only been three months with Landon. Yet if we broke up, I don’t know how I would be able to function without him. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” Overcome with conflicting emotions about the worthiness of love meant for me, I covered my face, and they huddled around me.
Frankie said, “You’re messing up my makeup.”
“We have time to fix it,” Jeri replied. “She’s having a moment, and we’re going to let her have it.”
I lowered my hands and looked at them both. “Is this what it means to have female friends?”
“Yep. We’re here for each other.” Frankie started applying my makeup again. “If it wasn’t for your taking a chance on me, my business wouldn’t be growing, and I wouldn’t have met Cedrick.” She blushed. “He needs a lot more work than Landon, but I’m good kicking it with him.”
Jeri sniffed. “I’m happy you’re my friends, but I’m not trying to find love. I’m too young to settle down.”
I wagged my finger at her. “Brian is sweet on you, so don’t break my brother’s heart.”
“He’ll live. We’re messing around and he knows it.” She backed away from me. “Now, let’s get ready for this show so we can party all night.”
Frankie turned me around to face the mirror. “Let’s get it.”
I exhaled, pushing out the darkness, feeling more like the light I needed to smash my performance. I touched my face. “My hand is warming up.”
Someone knocked at my dressing room door, and Jeri answered, “Hey, Del.”
Del stuck his head in and said in a low voice, “Your mother is right behind me, and she’s dying to see you.”
I snarled, “I thought I told you after the show.”
He held his hand up. “I know. Give us a few minutes,” he told the ladies.
I waited until they’d left. “Del, there’s a reason I wanted to wait until after the show.”
“She has flowers and wanted to at least speak to you. I can tell her you only have a minute, and she can join us at the after-party.”
I pulled at my T-shirt and leggings. “Yeah, I still have to get dressed.”
“The cameras are outside, too.”
“Del, this isn’t the time nor place.”
“I’ll talk to the producer about cutting this part if we need to. It’s going to be fine.”
I rolled my eyes. “You and Landon owe me. He insisted I invite her here too.”
Del’s chubby cheeks glowed with excitement. “Comeback is a success, a new man, and reconciliation with family. Reality TV gold.”
I took a deep breath. Relax. It’s just your mother. A few minutes of torture, and then she’s gone . Or she might surprise you and be nice.
I unclenched and clenched my hands twice. “Send her in.”
Del opened the door, and my mother walked in, beautiful as ever. Tall, curvy, with twinkling brown eyes, a button nose, and a luminous smile that hid the cruelty that lurked underneath. Like a fine wine, she’d aged well, appearing far younger than her forty-eight years. Cameras followed her as she opened her arms wide. “My Honey-Nae.”
Tears rimmed my eyes at her nickname for me from our rare bonding times. “Mama.”
She hugged me, smelling like I remembered. Dove soap and Pear Glace from Victoria’s Secret. She pulled back. “You look amazing. Where’s that fine man of yours? I thought no one could compare to Adam. I guess I was wrong. One thing I can say you know how to pick a man. Learned from the best.”
“You’ll meet him after the show.” I ignored the dig. “I have to get ready. You have VIP at the show and at the after-party. We can catch up later.”
“I have a surprise.”
I looked past her for my older brother and only saw the film crew. “Where’s Rashad?”
She wrinkled her nose. “Why would I bring my son to a city like Los Angeles when I have a man?”
“Of course,” I said, pasting on a phony smile to hide my disappointment. I wanted to see him. Although he’d told me he couldn’t take time off work, I’d still hoped he would surprise me. I didn’t have beef with my brother. He was always stuck in the middle of me and my mother, and I was determined for that to change.
She returned to the door and pulled someone inside by their arm, and I had to bite my cheek to stop the gasp, since the cameras were trained on my face. “Antwon and I got back together a year ago. I’m sure you remember him. He wanted to speak to you, too. Make sure we can get over the past.”
My heart raced, and I swore if I could have thrown up, it would have shot out of me like in The Exorcist . I couldn’t speak as he grinned wide and hugged me. “Hey, Janae. Long time no see.”
Avoiding eye contact, I nodded and backed away quickly. His touch made my skin crawl, and I looked at Del. “I need to get ready.”
He took the hint and hurried them out of the room, along with the crew. I went to my wardrobe rack, trying to bring back the peace I’d been finally starting to feel before my mother and him .
I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the flood of memories. I hit the side of my head, trying to shake the horror that I felt then and now. The thoughts wouldn’t stop, and my body started to burn from the inside.
I scrambled to find something in my bag or Frankie’s to cut myself to stop the excruciating sensation. I found scissors and sat on the stool, trying to find a spot on my body that no one would notice. No matter how I cut myself, I would have to explain to Landon, who knew me from head to toe, how it happened. It had to be the tiniest sliver. Then maybe I could focus on my show and get rid of those thoughts of what happened with that horrid man when I was fourteen.
How could she do that to me ? What kind of mother taunts you with your abuser?
I yelled to release the clawing pain that covered every inch of my body and slid to the floor, holding on to the scissors, wielding them like a weapon. Frankie rushed back in, followed by Jeri, and on instinct, I held the scissors up to defend myself.
Frankie placed her hands in the air. “It’s me… It’s me.”
Jeri said, “I’ll get Landon.”
“No,” I shouted, holding the scissors flat against my chest. He knew nothing of my childhood or teenage years. What would he do if he knew? He wouldn’t want this fucked-up girl. No one would. I shook my head. “No… no. He won’t understand.”
Frankie inched closer to me. “Then give me the scissors, please.”
“I’m so messed up. Why can’t I be normal?” I screeched and dropped the scissors as I slid off the stool to the cold floor.
She urged Jeri, “Go, now.”
When Jeri rushed out of the room, I crawled to the corner and curled up into a fetal position. My mind yearned desperately to forget, and my body craved release that wouldn’t come naturally, no matter how much I wished it would. The metal coin resting between my cleavage couldn’t help me. Landon couldn’t help me forget.
I covered my head and sobbed at the fork in the road presented to me. Neither path seemed acceptable.
Once Landon had left the dressing room to finish getting ready, I looked at Cedrick. “You know why I need something. You know that it won’t hurt me the way that Landon believes it will. I swear I’m not an addict, but I can’t get on that stage. I can’t.”
Cedrick kept shaking his head. “He’s my best friend.”
I took his hands. “He doesn’t have to know. Landon believes all drugs are wrong. My mother came all this way to fuck with me, and I can’t function. Before you came in here, the pain and nervousness were so bad that I was going to cut myself with scissors. Please. Just a little something. Not enough to get me wasted.”
Frankie sobbed, “Janae, no. You can’t do this to him.”
I kept my gaze trained on Cedrick. “I’m not doing anything. He knows, like I know, a little something takes the edge off, and that’s all I need. I promise not to drink. I’ve been without anything for three months, and three years before that. I have to get on that stage. I have to kill it, or the world will hate me all over again, and Cedrick knows it’s true. Everything we’ve built these last few weeks will be gone because I can’t get on that stage.”
Cedrick’s eyes became glossy, and he opened his mouth and promptly shut it.
Brian pressed pills in my hand. “Take it.”
Cedrick shut his eyes, and Frankie turned away. I popped the pills in my mouth and swallowed them dry. Refusing to feel any guilt for what I’d just done, I sat back down in front of the mirror, wiping my tears. I inhaled and exhaled, waiting for the familiar waves of peace to float through me.
In five, four, three… I will be as light as a feather, flying high above my worries and darkness.
The heaviness started to lift, and my chest relaxed.
I twisted my neck from side to side. “Tell Landon that I’m ready. Let’s start with ‘Lonely Woman’ first and then give them a hint of ‘Fallen Star’ and then close with it.”
Brian rushed out of the room, and Cedrick walked out much slower.
Frankie stared at me in the mirror, huffing and shaking her head, clearly disappointed.
“Don’t you dare judge me. You don’t have a clue what my mother just did to me. You want to be in this game, then you roll with the waves or get off the boat. Now, fix my face. We have a show to do,” I barked.
She blew out her breath slowly and did as she was told.
My love for him raged as I watched Landon play his guitar near me. When his eyes were closed and he bit his bottom lip, nothing or no one else mattered. I envied his rare ability to transform a simple minor chord into a symphonic creation with unimaginable ease and humbleness. I also envied his steadfastness to his craft, to his band, and to me. I prayed his belief in me wouldn’t falter once he realized that I’d broken my promise.
On my cue, his lips curved, and he tugged on his thick, wild curls. Landon had left behind his hat for me, and I wouldn’t lose this beautiful man. I wouldn’t.
I pulled my hat down lower on my head and sauntered on stage as the Los Angeles crowd yelled and screamed. I could do no wrong in their eyes. And I wanted to stay as long as possible on this stage viewed through their rose-colored lenses.
As I moved to the center, I signaled to Landon to quiet the music. I allowed my pain, my hurt, my anger, and my trauma to flow from out of me into an a cappella version of “A Lonely Woman.”
I bowed deeply at the last note, and The Hollow Bones started chanting my name. Their harmonized sound traveled through the arena until the entire audience shouted, “Janae.” Unburdened of the baggage I’d carried on the stage, I rose and spread my arms wide. Landon had been right, and if I trusted myself, the music would have been enough to unleash my troubles. As I stood there, I knew from the depths of my soul that I would never take another pill or drink alcohol. God had given me a gift to exorcise my demons, and I wouldn’t take it for granted again.
I gestured to The Hollow Bones and encouraged the audience to scream louder for them. I blew a kiss at Landon, whose hazel eyes gleamed green as he beamed, and the noise grew louder at the evidence of our love.
“Los Angeles, are you ready?” I asked into the mic.
It was truly an unforgettable night at the Forum.