Chapter Forty-One
janae
Houston
July 23
When Landon kissed me at the airport and exited the car, I wanted to chase him down and make him stay. I wanted to hold on tight and never let go of him. To know I would never feel his lips on me, play in his hair, or wake up in his embrace again shattered my soul. We were both so vulnerable that he would’ve turned around and gotten back in the car if I’d asked. He’d become my friend, lover, and rock. My life jacket. We’d been preparing to jam together for the rest of our lives. We’d been growing into that forever love that we sang about, and now we would never be again.
I had already packed up the car so I wouldn’t have to return to my Austin home, that would forever be associated with Landon and the love I’d never thought I would have. I honestly didn’t know if I could return to that house without him. Five weeks of uninterrupted time in which we’d loved freely. Until we hadn’t.
In spite of the heartache and pain, I’d been proud of myself when I dropped him off and headed to Houston to see my family. Landon had given me a choice to be with him, and I’d chosen what was best for me. I couldn’t and had never lived in fear. Every step I’d taken once I left my mother’s home had brought me to where I was today. If I’d lived in fear, I would’ve never left Houston. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have moved to Los Angeles. If I’d lived in fear, I would still be still hung up on my ex, who’d moved on with no intention of looking back. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have gotten into treatment and stayed. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have attempted to get my career back. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have announced to the world that I had bipolar. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to fall in love with Landon, and that would have been the biggest travesty of all.
I’d already called ahead and told my brother I was on the way to talk to him and my mother. He said he would support whatever I had to tell her because he had his own issues with Mama deciding to date a man who’d sexually abused his sister. He told me that it was just her at home today. Antwon wasn’t there.
I pulled in behind a silver Lexus SUV in the driveway. It must have been Rashad’s car. He’d worked himself up to manager at a local oil change shop and had been doing well. He’d told me that his seven-year-old son, whom he’d been raising on his own for the last three years, would be with him. I hadn’t seen my nephew since he was a toddler, and I couldn’t wait to know him a little again.
I nibbled on my nails while I sat in the driveway until I remembered I’d stopped biting my nails once I left my mother’s house. She’d had way too much impact on me, making me regress to that teenager who bit her nails. No more. I couldn’t and wouldn’t give that woman any more energy after today.
The front door opened, and my brother walked out with an excited smile. I hopped out of the car, and he lifted me off my feet into a bear hug. He hugged me so tightly that I felt all the love he’d ever had for me in his embrace.
He pulled back to look at me and then dragged me back into his arms. I tapped his back. “Okay… okay… I got it. You missed me.”
Rashad laughed and dropped his arms. “Still my baby sis.”
We both looked toward the house and sighed loudly.
He looked down at me. “You ready?”
I stared at the modest four-bedroom home in the southwest area of Houston, a far cry from the rental we’d once had in the Third Ward. “The first thing I bought with my advance was this house, and you know what she said… that she would’ve preferred the money.” I chuckled, though the sound had no humor.
“We don’t have to go inside. We can get Mexican or barbecue and pretend like we’re ordinary people, and we can hang out at your hotel,” he offered. “When she got back with dude, I moved out. I wasn’t subjecting my children to a fucking molester. I only visit her now so she can see her grandchildren. I can’t be around her negativity anymore. Toxic is toxic. It doesn’t matter if it’s our mother.”
I half smiled. “You sound like my old psychologist. No, I need to see her. The more I’m able to fight real demons, the less likely I’ll fail again at the false ones.”
We stood side by side as I rang the bell, like we were selling internet services and not visiting our mother.
A round-faced boy with the biggest cheeks dressed in a polo shirt and slacks opened the door, looked at his father, and then at me. “Are you Auntie Nae Nae?”
Oh, how he looked like my brother at that age. I stooped to kiss his cheek. “In the flesh.”
“Me and my daddy listen to your songs all the time.” He hugged my neck warmly and smiled up at his father “You told me I would like her, and I do.”
My eyes welled up at the innocence that a creep like Antwon could steal if he were given a chance. “I already like you too, and after we leave here today, you’re going to come to stay with me and your daddy at my hotel tonight. Is that cool?”
He looked up at me. “Do you play the drums?”
“No, but I do have a tambourine.”
“Can you teach me?” he asked, his face brightening.
“I can. When you visit me in Austin or Los Angeles, I’ll have some drums for you to play.”
Rashad grabbed his son in a headlock. “Boy, leave your auntie alone. She already told you we’re hanging out with her tonight. We’ll order room service and everything.”
He hugged his father around the waist and looked up at my brother with love.
I nudged Rashad. “Look at you being Daddy.”
“I’m trying. I know I’m a better dad than that deadbeat of ours. At least I show up for my children,” he said firmly.
“How many times have I told you to come get me before opening the door, RJ?” Our mother appeared. “Janae? You didn’t tell me she was coming,” she said to Rashad.
“I asked him not to say, and I won’t stay long,” I promised, not wanting to be in her presence longer than I needed.
“Stay as long as you like. Even if your boyfriend kicked me out of your little party.”
“For good reason,” I retorted, already regretting coming.
Rashad only nodded.
“Have you forgotten how to talk?” she asked him impatiently.
“Oh, you talking to me now? A few minutes ago, you had nothing to say to me. Just wanted to spend time with RJ,” Rashad snapped.
“It’s cool.” I hugged my brother to me. “We’ve been catching up and making up for lost time. We realized that we allowed you to get in the middle of us. He and I don’t have any beef with each other, yet we haven’t spoken in years until a few months ago, and that’s not going to happen again.”
Our mother tilted her head. “I never kept you apart.”
I wagged my finger. “It’s the doubt you put in our heads. That Rashad must not care about me. Or ‘your sister don’t call you anymore because she too busy for you.’ You know, those doubts that we don’t love each other that you kept stirring up in our minds.”
Before Mama could respond, RJ pulled her and me by our hands into the foyer. “Grandma, we’re going to her hotel after this so she can teach me the tambourine.”
“Oh, is that the plan?” She looked up at me and Rashad.
Rashad responded, “Just RJ and me. We’ll get the girls from their mother to stay with us tomorrow.”
Her nostrils flared. “Why are you here?”
“Are you still with Antwon?” I asked.
She lifted her chin. “I broke up with Twon, and if you’re here to start trouble, you might as well leave.”
I cracked my neck to try to release my tension. “I can either say what I have to say to you in front of RJ, or we can talk privately. Either way, I’m not leaving until I say what I need to say to you.”
Mama cut her gaze to my brother. “Is he going to hear whatever you have to say too?”
We both nodded. “Yep.”
“If it was me, I wouldn’t give you another chance, bringing that bastard around Janae,” he added.
“Another chance?” She frowned.
I bent down. “RJ, if you go to one of the bedrooms and don’t come out until we say so, we’ll have cookies-and-cream milkshakes at the hotel, okay?”
The boy’s eyes rounded, and he rushed out of the foyer.
Mama folded her arms. “What do you have to say to me?”
“Why?” The simple question rang loud and clear.
She waved her hand. “I shouldn’t have brought Twon to Los Angeles. I didn’t think how it would affect you. It’s been years, and you’ve had men since him. I didn’t think it mattered.”
“The man tried to rape her and you think that wouldn’t affect her?” Rashad thundered.
“I told you, she went after Antwon to spite me and then lied to you when she got caught. You believe anything your sister tells you.”
“You sound straight crazy. I’m going to the car. I can’t do this. I don’t want to disrespect you, Mama. I ain’t got time for this.” He walked deeper into the house and yelled, “RJ? Let’s go.”
Wearing a confused frown, RJ rushed back into the foyer. “Yes, Daddy?”
“We’re going.”
I added, “You did good. We’ll have the milkshakes, promise.”
RJ hugged his grandmother around the waist, and she patted his back while still glaring at her children.
Rashad held his son’s hand. “When you finish, we’ll be outside in the car waiting for you.”
I touched my brother’s arm and smiled, grateful that he’d been there for me thus far. Now, everything else was on me.
Once the door closed behind him, I turned to my mother, my voice trembling under the weight of years of pain. “Why do you hate me?” My chest tightened as I forced myself to keep steady. “What did I ever do to make you hate the air I breathed, when all I ever did was live for you? All I ever wanted was to make you proud.”
My throat burned, but I pressed on. “Three years ago, I tried to end my life because I had no one.” I held out my wrists. “These tattoos cover the scars from the razors I dragged across my skin. How twisted is that? I had to cause more pain just to stop the pain of believing I was alone. That no one in this world loved me. Especially you.”
Tears blurred my vision, but I refused to stop. “I haven’t spoken to you in four years, and yet, I still pay every bill in this house. Because despite everything, I love you.” My voice cracked, raw and open. “And you’ve never even had the decency to say thank you. And after all that, after everything, you had the nerve to show up at the most important concert of my career with the man who abused me.”
A broken sob tore through my chest, years of agony rising from the depths of me like a storm. “That man had been grabbing my breasts and my ass since the day you brought him into our lives. I did everything I could to avoid him. I wore baggy clothes, stayed out of the house whenever he was around. I sacrificed my own peace just so you could be happy, just so you could finally have a boyfriend.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and let the words spill from the place I had buried them. “And then, that day… he almost raped me.” I locked my gaze onto hers, daring her to look away. “He cornered me in my room, covered my mouth. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t fight him off. He was too strong. And then I heard your keys in the door, and I thought… finally, she will see. Finally, she will know the truth.
“But you didn’t protect me.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “You beat me. Like I had stolen your child-molesting boyfriend from you.”
I took a slow step forward. She took one back. Her eyes shimmered, but I had long since stopped hoping for tears that meant anything.
“What happened to you to make you this way?” My voice was quieter now, but no less fierce. “Did someone hurt you? Did Grandma treat you like this? What did I do to deserve this, Mama?” I hit my chest, the ache unbearable. “I used to be so proud to be your daughter. I used to perform every single show like you were watching, even though you never came to one. Not one.”
I swallowed hard. “And the only time you did show up, you came to destroy me.”
I let the silence stretch between us, let the weight of my words settle into the cracks of a foundation that had been broken for as long as I could remember. Then, finally, I breathed.
“But not anymore.” My voice steadied. “I am worthy of so much more than how you treated me. I am worthy of love. Real love. From a good man. From a real family.”
I exhaled long and deep, stepping back. “This is the last time I will ever speak to you, and I am at peace with that.” I wiped my face with the back of my hand, as if physically clearing away the years of grief. “This house? It’s in Rashad’s name now. Whether he keeps it or sells it, that’s his decision. But I won’t let you come between us anymore. I want to know my nieces and nephew. I want to be the aunt they deserve.”
And just like that, the weight lifted.
I threw my hands in the air, my chest rising with a feeling I had never known before… freedom. I jumped once, then again, letting out a shout so full, so uninhibited, I could have sworn I felt the presence of something greater than myself. This. This was what it meant to be free.
Mama stood frozen like a statue, as if she were unable to say anything.
“Bye, Mama.” I didn’t wait for a response and strode out of the house with my head held high.
When I stopped at my brother’s open window, our mother wordlessly watched us.
Rashad glanced between me and her. “Are you okay?”
“I will be fine.” The residual hurt of not having a good relationship with my mother would still be there. I would just have to focus on those who loved me, like my brother.
“Did she answer your questions?”
“I never expected her to.”
Rashad shook his head and started his car. I walked to mine, and soon we left the home while she stared after us.
Los Angeles
August 19
Loneliness loomed whenever I thought too hard about what I’d given up. Then there were days when I wasn’t sure I had given up. Landon had seemed so certain he wasn’t the man for me and couldn’t handle my big career. It made fighting for him seem futile. Some days, I raged at him. Other days, I only wanted to crawl into bed with him. My meds were keeping the edge off and allowing me to sleep. Or maybe because my emotions were entwined with relief from confronting my mother and joy at being the aunt I’d always wanted to be, initially, I didn’t feel the doom and gloom of losing Landon, the wounded ache of a breakup with a man with whom I could see forever.
When August rolled around, I started falling apart after no contact from him. I had been sure he would call and check on me as a friend or as my life jacket. I had crying spells and negative thoughts about my ability to have a lasting relationship. I didn’t crave drugs, only Landon. Del or my brother called me every day to check in. I told Del I needed until September to move forward. He argued that the sooner I returned to work, the sooner I could function again. I had to continue striking while the iron was hot. Del tried to goad me by telling me that Landon had rejoined The Hollow Bones and was preparing to promote their new album, and that I needed to show him I was good, too. All that did was remind me of being with him and what we’d lost.
I was in bed watching episodes of Insecure for the twentieth time, empathizing with Issa’s longing for Lawrence, when someone knocked on my door. Fear coursed through my veins, and I could hear Landon’s voice admonishing me for not hiring security, since, somehow, people knew where I lived.
I checked the camera on my bedside table and released a sigh of relief. Frankie.
Rising out of bed, I threw a silk robe over my pajamas and opened the door without speaking, then dropped down on my sofa and patted the space beside me. Frankie shook her head and held her arms out. “I hug when I haven’t seen friends in a long time.”
Joy loosened some of the persistent tightness in my chest as I eagerly rose to hug her tight. “I wanted to reach out and apologize a trillion times. I just didn’t know how. Never had girlfriends before.”
“Picking up the phone works wonders.” Frankie pulled back from the embrace and studied me. “This hair is a mess, and you look like crap. One friend to another.”
“Thank you,” I shot back sarcastically. “I told Del to give me until September.”
“That’s two more weeks. It’s time to get back to living. Rashad asked if I seen you since you returned from Houston, and when I told him no, he begged me to see you.”
“Rashad?” I sat back down on the sofa, and she joined me. “He didn’t tell me you were talking. What happened with Cedrick?”
She propped her legs on my coffee table. “Hope you don’t mind.”
I waved my hand. “No.”
“We ended things the day after the L.A. show, before they returned to New York. He said he didn’t do long distance and was too upset about Landon leaving the group to focus on my feelings. I didn’t like how we ended, but it would’ve happened sooner or later because we wanted different things. Your brother and I have been talking, and he wants to hang out when he visits you for Labor Day.”
“I should call him right now and ask why he didn’t tell me,” I teased.
“I wasn’t ready for you to know. I didn’t want you to think I used your brother to get over Cedrick.”
“I want you to be happy, whether it’s with Ced, my brother, or some other dude.” I tapped the cushion between us. “I’m glad you’re here so I can apologize in person for what I put you and the guys through. I promise you that it won’t happen again. I’m back on meds and spending quiet time with myself. I need you in my life more than I need any drug or song.”
Frankie smiled wide. “All’s forgiven. And when you’re ready to tell me what happened with your mother, I’m here.”
“Thank you, and I will over a long brunch with limitless waffles, since I can’t drink.” I hugged her around the neck. “I already made peace with Brian and Cedrick over the phone. They accepted my apology, and we’re cool again.” I sighed. “Just need to get over Landon.”
She tsked. “Please don’t let him stop your flow when he seems to be doing fine.”
“How do you know?”
She pulled out her phone. “They were all hanging out in New York at this club two nights ago to celebrate their album, and you know he doesn’t hang out.”
On their IG page, Landon rocked a Jimi Hendrix T-shirt, cargo pants, and a porkpie hat, allowing his curls to show. He’d pushed up his sleeve, inadvertently showing off his toned bicep as he laughed, his eyes locked with Charles. Women were all around, clearly waiting to pounce. This Landon didn’t seem like my Landon. He seemed exactly the type to take home one of the women who clamored for his attention, and my stomach flipped and burned. I’d upgraded this striking yet reserved geek into a certifiable hottie. No wonder he hadn’t called or texted me. Petty anger fueled my energy.
Giving Frankie’s phone back to her, I hopped up. “Think it’s time I move on too. Can you hook a sister up? I want to hit up a few spots and remind people who I am.”
She cocked a brow. “Only if I’m doing it for a friend.”
“Only if that friend who prefers to be at home reading comes with me,” I said, pulling her with both hands toward my bedroom.
And just like that… my life started yet again.