Chapter Ten
Shae
SHAE GRABBED THE REMOTE from the top of the TV stand, weaving in and out of movie apps, shifting through titles before landing on one she and Kira both agreed on and throwing herself back onto the couch next to her.
The night before had been replaying in her mind all day, and she needed a distraction from her thoughts in a big way. She had gone too far with Em; she should never have left her alone in the pool like that after such an emotionally and physically charged interaction.
Shae could tell it had upset her, mainly because Em refused to look at her the rest of the evening yesterday. Her face alternated between expressions of sadness and piercing anger, a dagger, unrelenting, at her chest.
Shae, on the other hand, had taken herself upstairs immediately after the episode to tend to the ache between her legs.
The thought of Em’s nipples in her mouth.
What she’d taste like. What it’d sound like to hear her calling out her name, all circulating in her mind to the point of driving her wild.
The first time she’d touched Em had been so hushed, all but the sound of Em reaching the peak of her climax.
A whispered moan escaped her mouth in jerks as her body twitched beneath her hand.
So much was still left to her imagination: what she looked like under her clothes, what it would feel like to kiss her.
The thoughts circled her memory over and over.
It was a punishment, retribution for leaving her in that pool all hot and God knows what in between her legs, slick with the heat of her arousal.
She deserved this, she knew it, she’d done it to herself.
She hadn’t seen Em much today. After breakfast, Em had slipped away with Lennon and Claire for a girls' day in town. It was raining off and on all morning, and everyone was still roaming around the house in their pj’s.
Seth was putting together a puzzle up in the game room, while Brodie sprawled nearby, playing some NFL game on the Xbox.
Everyone was lying low. Kira and Shae were holed up in the living room, lounging on the couch, watching a movie…
or at least, a movie was playing in the background.
Kira had been texting back and forth with Elliot all afternoon, giggling sporadically to herself at whatever he’d said in conversation that amused her. Shae sat staring blankly at the TV screen, the movie nothing more than noise. Her mind was tangled in Em.
Every now and then, she would unlock her phone, open her photos, scroll to the pictures she took of Em the other day, and study them. She’d become obsessed, and it was starting to make her feel crazy.
She tapped on the two photos she took on the cliff before their big jump, found Em’s name, her finger hovering over the send button, daring herself to press it.
If she did, Em would know she was thinking about her, but was that such a bad thing?
At this point, she didn’t even know what she was doing anymore or if she was even still mad at Em.
Her thoughts drifted backwards, and there was that feeling again, the pique feeding the inferno of emotions playing in her chest. She hated that this was so hard to get over, and for a second, she questioned why she was allowing herself to hang onto it, to hang on to her.
She unlocked her phone, the unsent message staring back at her.
Her eyes jumped to the message above it.
It was from the morning after… one she couldn’t allow herself to erase; it sat haunting her now.
‘I can’t stop thinking about you,’ it read.
How humbling it was that now she’s the one who couldn’t stop thinking about Em.
Her thumb hovered over the send button. Then, tap.
That simple whoosh sound confirmed it had been sent. Shae turned the phone over in her hand, setting it face down next to her on the sofa.
? · ? · ?
The three girls were at the nail salon getting mani-pedis when Em’s phone buzzed. They sat with their feet soaking in the warm, bubbling water, talking about which color they each chose for their nails.
“That one’s going to look great with your skin tone.” Em complimented Lennon, glancing down at the phone in her hand.
Shae’s name lit up across her screen, and a nervous energy pulsed through Em.
To be honest, she was still pissed at Shae because what was that in the pool yesterday?
And this thing she teetered on the brink of with Claire.
She wasn’t sure how much weight to give it.
Claire wasn’t competition, Claire was a hiding place, and Em didn’t know which was worse—that Shae was still hiding or that she could see it so clearly and couldn’t do anything about it.
Some part of her felt like she was simply in a different place than Shae was, and had begun to wonder if she was sacrificing all her progress by entertaining this still.
She’d spent her first years pushing through the pain of their ending at NYU before deciding to accept that some things were okay to be left unfinished.
She laid down her hand some time ago. She was showing her cards, and Shae was still working on her defense.
She swiped up on the message to see the photo of the two of them from the other day…
no text, only the image of two people leaning in close but a world apart.
It stung. She wanted nothing more than for Shae to let her in again.
But Shae’s walls were so high now, Em couldn’t reach beyond them if she were catapulted in the air by a trebuchet.
Lennon must have registered the look on her face because she leaned in closer to her, “Everything ok?” she said quietly.
“From Shae,” Em flashed Lennon her phone showing the pictures.
“Did you ask her for them?” She questioned.
Em shook her head. She understood what Shae was doing, reaching out enough to keep the door open but not enough to risk more.
“Someone’s thinking about you!” Lennon said, leaning in to get a closer look. “She’s pining over you. Probably questioning that idiotic move she made yesterday, leaving you by the pool like that with no explanation,” she continued, “ugh, I just can’t with her sometimes!”
Lennon lifted her hand, admiring the fresh polish.
As much as she didn’t want to admit it. What had happened between her and Shae yesterday had thrown her for a loop.
For as long as she had known Shae, she’d only wanted her close. She’d spent countless hours thinking about her. Inventing ways to keep her near without actually having her there. Daydreams. Fantasies. Of Shae, touching her the way she did by the pool.
After yesterday, she was parched, wanting to drink Shae in all over again, but she didn’t know if she could trust Shae or if she could even trust herself.
“What happened last night?” Claire intruded on the conversation.
Em faced forward again in her chair, avoiding the question.
“Em just… had a little situation with an old friend, who is texting her again now after… not texting for some time,” Lennon responded, carefully selecting each word.
Claire craned forward past Lennon to look at Em. “Sounds spicy.”
“You have no idea,” Em said under her breath.
“Well, I’m glad you’re moving past Shae,” she replied. “Seth spilled the beans on that one the other day, and Kira had to fill me in a bit. Sounds a bit like a dumpster fire,” she said, leaning back into her seat.
Em narrowed her eyes. Claire didn’t know what she was talking about, but Em’s chest twisted anyway.
“Well, you gonna say anything back?” Lennon asked, trying to be quieter and not give anything away.
“What should I say?”
“I don’t know… maybe something short, make her want more.”
Em held her phone up in front of her, tapping it back and forth between her fingers. She could feel Lennon still watching her, waiting for her to make the move. She clicked on Shae’s message, the pictures filling her screen again.
“Thanks!” She typed, adding a smiley face emoji. If Shae was going to play emotional chess, she refused to end up in a stalemate. She clicked send and flung the phone into her lap, the undeniable tingling a precursor to the perspiration immediately forming under her arms.
“How can one message give a person so much anxiety?” she said aloud, pulling her shirt away from her body.
A knowing smile played across Lennon's face. “Let’s just see what she says.”
The bubbling water at her feet was rapidly becoming claustrophobic. Em needed air and something that had nothing to do with Shae.
“Hey, can you drop me off at Harbor Light after this? You two can shop without me. I’ll meet you at Cocolbee’s for lunch later.” Em set her phone on the armrest of her chair. “I have to log in and complete a few forms from calls I took.”
“Oh yeah, no problem.”
The community center smelled faintly of coffee and lemon cleaner.
The fluorescent lights hummed above a narrow hallway lined with donated posters and LGBTQ themed stickers.
Em dropped her bag in the staff room, tied up her hair, and logged into the system, headphones resting around her neck. A deep sigh escaped her.
Luna—one of the other advocates—leaned against the door, watching her.
“You good?” she asked, curiosity in her tone.
“It’s been a week!” Em admitted. She ran a hand through her hair and leaned back in her chair.
“Wanna talk about it? I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener.”
“Ha.” Em let out a tiny giggle. “Thank you for that. I’m okay.”
Luna had that kindness factor, that was for certain. A quality that creates a great listener. She could understand why she was good for this place.
Em fell quiet, tapping her freshly painted nails against the plastic armrest of her chair. “You been here all morning?”
“Twenty minutes-ish. There are donuts in the break room if you want any.”
“I’m good. I’m meeting my friends for lunch later. I just have some documentation to finish.”
“Fair enough.” Luna pushed off the doorframe. “Well, I’ll stop bothering you then.”