Chapter Twenty-Six
Shae
SHAE LAY CURLED UP on the couch in the den at her parents' place, flipping through her phone.
Trying to find something, anything that could keep her mind off things.
The last few days replayed in the back of her head.
How much she screwed things up with Em, and how everything had come crashing down like a castle built on sand. One wave was all it took.
This was why she steered clear of relationships. They were messy, and you can hurt one another. No, she could hurt people.
She’d tried her hardest to be the best version of herself and still got it wrong. Things had been going great with Em; it was more than she’d ever allowed herself to feel. But she ruined it, all of it.
June came in flashing on all the lights, “Well, lookie what we have here, a sulking sassafrass.”
“Mom!” Shae bit out, shielding her eyes from the sudden brightness before throwing the blanket up over her head. “Seriously?”
“I’ve let you sit in here smelling up the place for three days. Now it’s time to get up and shower, join the rest of the world.” June traipsed around the room, opening up all the blinds on the windows, a small box tucked under her arm.
Shae sat up in a huff, flinging the blankets off her, the fabric landing on the floor in a heap. “I guess I have no choice.”
“That’s the spirit.”
June tapped Shae’s bottom as she passed, heading out of the room.
“Hurry back down when you’re done,” June called over her shoulder. “I have something I want to show you.”
Shae stepped out of her room, showered, and dressed for the day in jeans and an old tee she’d pulled from her dresser.
She didn’t want to hear it from June about why she was wearing pajamas all day, even though sweatpants didn’t always equal pajamas.
June was right, though, having a shower did make her feel so much better.
It had cleared her thoughts, even if just for a minute.
She headed back downstairs, hoping to evade her mom if at all possible, but right on cue, June stepped in from the backyard.
“Shae, come on out here, will ya? Your dad wants you to see his garden.”
She sighed, her shoulders dropping. Fine, I’ll play.
“Oh, Shae. Don’t sulk. You’re such a pretty girl, but you do that and people are going to think you’re constipated.”
“Mom!” Shae said, slightly offended.
“Just come over here.” Her mom marched over to the outdoor table, pulled out a chair for Shae, and sat down in the one next to it. “See what your father’s done, all these hydrangeas… just like the beach house.”
“Here,” she said, pushing a plate in her direction. “Daddy made you pancakes. Eat. Eat,” she demanded.
Shae lifted her fork, cutting her pancake with the side of it, when her dad came walking over, a garden shovel in hand. “Well, what do you think of the garden?”
“I think it’s beautiful, Daddy.”
“I knew you would. You always enjoyed working out here with me, remember that? Always wanted to get your hands dirty.”
“You definitely weren’t the clean child,” June butt in. “I had to wash your pants three times to get the green stains outta the knees. Always roughhousing outside.”
“Oh, kids will be kids,” Greg said, placing his hand on Shae’s shoulder and squeezing.
“Remember those there?” Greg said, drawing her attention to the peonies in the distance. “You and Emmaline planted those together. What were you guys, sixteen or seventeen? They’re still thriving. On their last leg for the summer now, but they'll be back. They always come back.”
Greg placed both his hands on his hips, staring off over the garden. “They represent love, you know, happiness… good things. Hmm, anyway…”
Shae and Em were about sixteen when they planted those peonies.
Em had found the buds at a farmers' market and insisted they take them home for the garden. Shae had assumed that she was simply going to hand them over to Greg, but that wasn’t enough.
She wanted to finish the job, so they planted them together.
That was just like Em: she had to go full circle with things, or the door didn’t seem to close for her. Shae smiled, thinking of Em, wrist deep in the dirt and so happy. She thrived most when she was doing something for someone else.
“Speaking of Emmaline,” June said. “Look at what I found in the family room when I was looking for a book to get started on.”
“Mom, you never read. Nice try,” Shae said, taking a bite of the pancake. The maple syrup and butter coated her tongue. She dropped her fork as June shoved a handful of pictures into her hand.
“Look at all these old photos of you girls.”
Her mom sat hunched over her shoulder, pointing out every little detail.
“Emmaline may not have come into our lives until a bit later, but boy, was she ever here a lot. And we loved it. Her parents were going through an awful time. Almost divorced. Remember? Emmaline was worried sick about it.”
She rubbed her hand against Shae’s shoulder. “You were her safe place, you know that? She trusted you so much!”
June flipped through the photos in Shae’s hand, picking one out from the pile and setting it on top. “Look at this one here.”
There they were, she and Em, about seventeen. Shae stared ahead at the camera, grinning from ear to ear. Em sat close, her arm tucked inside of Shae’s. Her eyes were locked on Shae, the most tender expression on her face.
She did trust her, Shae knew that. A sinking feeling knocked her straight in the gut. She wanted to do right by Em, but she was no good for her, especially after all of this. Em deserved better than what she could offer her.
“Kira and Elliot are dating. I kept that from Em.” Shae admitted. “I promised Em I would be honest with her, and I had already broken the promise before I made it.”
“I know what happened. Your sister filled me in. But I don’t think that’s why she’s upset, baby.”
“What do you mean? That’s what our argument was about. She—”
“She told you she loved you. You told her you didn’t love her back.”
“No.”
“No?” June asked. “No, you don’t love her, or no, that’s not what you said?”
“No, that’s what I said. That’s just not what I meant. I didn’t know what to say; it caught me off guard. I—”
“Shae, you’ve always loved that girl. She’s always loved you, too.
Some things we try to make complicated because we don’t feel like it can be real if it’s easy.
But it is real. I see it. I see it every time you two are together.
You look at each other like you knew each other in another lifetime.
Your souls remember, but it’s taking your bodies some time to catch up. You love her, baby.”
Shae studied the photo in front of her. So many things had gone through her head when that photo was taken.
She recalled being so aware of Em's touch that even the graze of her hand was like a lightning bolt shooting through her. Having Em’s arms wrapped around hers like that was both bliss and torture.
She always wanted more, but she was also trying to figure out what that meant.
There were other things, too. Em made her feel safe. She could be herself with her. Good or bad, it was all okay. She was enough. Em never judged her; she only ever supported her, and being together was the most natural feeling she’d ever felt.
She’d fought that feeling for a long time. But being apart from Em was like merely floating through life, instead of living it. Letting things happen to her instead of choosing to go after what she truly wanted.
“Emmaline is on her way to the airport right now to head to Colorado,” June said, snapping Shae back to the present.
For a second, Shae couldn’t move. She thought about every time she had stood at the edge of her feelings with Em and stepped back.
The balcony. The beach. The closet at sixteen, their foreheads touching.
A whole history of almosts. She had told herself that was what was best, that was where safety lay, but sitting here with June, she understood for the first time that there was nothing on the other side of that distance, except more distance.
And with Em was the only place she’d ever found that felt like home.
“No!” Shae said, jumping up from her seat.
“Your sister texted me to let me know they’d left the house for Boston Logan shortly before I came into the den to get you off your tail. If you leave now, maybe you can tell her how you really feel.”
Shae didn’t say another word. She flung open the back door and rushed up the stairs to grab her things—wallet, phone, keys: everything else she could get later. She flew out the front door, pausing before taking off to send a text.
Shae (9:52 AM): Em, I’m on my way to you. Please don’t leave. Please! I love you!