55
I don’t know if it’s the fact that the house is filled with the loud squeals of thirteen-year-old girls or everything that I’ve been through lately, but this house feels so much smaller than I remember.
I wish I were able to stay in my childhood bed, hiding beneath the covers, but Mum told Paige that she could have whatever party she wanted, and now we’re stuck here at a disco party with half of her class.
Dad has pushed all of the furniture to the walls of the living room to make a dance floor, rented a smoke machine and shut all the blinds.
The lights are off, and the music is blaring, creating a nightclub atmosphere.
Luna looks amused, watching Paige dance around with her friends.
She doesn’t even notice when Mark walks in the front door holding a neatly wrapped box with pink ribbon.
He waves at me and looks around, probably checking to see if Brooks is here.
I stand from my seat and walk over to him.
“Hi,” I greet him. He bends down to hug me, my head on his chest.
“Hey. Are you alone?” He takes a step back, ending our embrace. I look down at the ground, not wanting to admit that, yes, I’m alone. All alone.
“Of course not. I’m here with Luna.” I point over to where we were sitting together. Luna looks up and gives us a cheerful wave.
“Can we talk?” Mark asks. I point towards the backyard, hoping that it’s quieter out there. Mark follows me to the back patio, and we take a seat on the canopy swing.
“How have you been?” I ask, looking out at the sunset and resting my hand on my stomach. In the short time that I was pregnant, it became a habit. One that I’m trying to get out of. I push my hands together, placing them on my lap as I fight the prickling feeling of a tear threatening to escape.
“Good, really good. Work’s good,” he replies, rubbing the palms of his hands on his jeans.
This feels so awkward. He used to be my best friend, and now I have so much I want to tell him, but I know our relationship has changed.
He’s not my friend anymore. I ruined that, just like I ruined things with Brooks.
I lift my feet in the air, and he pushes his feet onto his toes to allow the swing to rock.
“I started seeing Suzie from school,” he explains, as if I wouldn’t know who she is. “We’re renting a house right down the road from my parents. She’s not working at the moment, so she’s making herself busy turning it into a real home, you know?”
“That’s great. I’m happy for you.”
I wonder what my life would look like now if I had stayed here with him. I look back over to Mark and remember how hurt he was when he came to visit. I had broken his heart without even thinking twice, and now that mine is broken, I begin to feel the gravity of what I’ve done.
“I’m sorry for the way I ended things,” I state out loud.
Mark looks over at me in shock. “I’m sorry for freezing you out,” I continue.
Saying these things feels good, something I haven’t felt in a long time.
I push myself to keep going. “I’m sorry for how I acted when you came to visit me.
I’m sorry for the way Brooks spoke to you, and I’m sorry for the way I treated you.
I was selfish and immature. I should have told you that I didn’t want what you wanted, instead of stringing you along. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He lets out a deep breath. “That’s a lot of things to say sorry for in one sentence.” He smiles warmly. “You didn’t need to, but thanks. I can see now that we wanted different things. I should have let you go when you asked me to.”
I look back out towards the sky. The sun has almost completely disappeared now, leaving a dark pinkish-orange sky.
“Are you still with him?”
“No.”
“I hope you’re happy, Abs.”
“You know what? I’ve got a long road ahead, but I think I’m going to get there.”
We sit out on the patio for a while longer, not saying anything, just rocking back and forth like we’re fifteen again.