Chapter 24
Enid
Idrew my knees to my chest, squeezing my body into a ball in the middle of one of my many gardens. If I squeezed hard enough, I could stop feeling all the grief and panic coursing through me.
I wanted to take the memory of everyone’s horrified stares and rip it from my brain.
I’d throw it as far as I could. Those kinds of stares weren’t anything new.
I couldn’t count the number of times I’d experienced them over the years.
But it felt different this time because I thought our plan was working.
Before I’d had that breakdown, no one had been sending angry glares my way.
No one was going out of their way to avoid me. I was just another person.
I felt like I was a part of something.
It had all been a lie, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like the heart I’d been convinced didn’t work was breaking.
“Enid.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d come. Nevan stood over me, face pinched in concern. Probably concern for the statue that Vine had obliterated.
I wouldn’t let him be the one to tell me I was getting exiled. I’d show him that I already knew, that I didn’t care. “Well, if I wasn’t exiled before, I certainly am now.”
This was it. This was the moment Nevan realized who I truly was—a monster. Someone who ruined things for everyone else time and time again.
He sat next to me, silent for a moment, probably searching for the words to tell me how badly I’d messed up.
“I’m sorry that happened,” he finally said, and my head snapped in his direction.
Surely he wasn’t apologizing to me.
He hesitated. “Enid, why did that statue upset you so much? I know this isn’t a real relationship, but I’d like to think we’re friends, and as your friend, I want to protect you. I can’t do that if you’re not truthful with me.”
He didn’t understand. I couldn’t be truthful. The best I could do was tell him half-truths.
“The earth godwitch stands for everything I’m not,” I said slowly, choosing my words carefully. “Beauty and peace and harmony. Their creations are celebrated and adored. While mine are demonized.”
He nudged me. “These aren’t exactly your creations. You just happened to make a sentient bog your home, and incredibly enough, it answers to you.”
I snorted. That was one way of putting it, but I was glad he’d misinterpreted my accidental admission. I needed to be more cautious with my words.
I swallowed and tried again. “My mother loved the earth godwitch. Worshipped them and planted a garden in their honor—flowers and vegetables and bushes and trees that they loved dearly.”
Certainly more than me.
“When I was little, I accidentally destroyed it all.”
I still remembered skipping into Mother’s garden in the early morning before anyone was awake, planning a special surprise.
At six, I hadn’t come into my magic yet, but I thought I could water and prune everything.
I’d worked so hard, spent hours carefully pulling weeds and attending to each and every flower.
Eventually, I’d fallen asleep and awoken to my mother screaming.
I still wasn’t sure how I’d done it since I hadn’t come into my magic yet.
Maybe it had awoken for just a moment, just long enough to destroy everything my mother loved the most. Overgrown weeds had sprouted, throttling all Mother’s plants.
Petals had dropped off the stems. Fungus covered the trees.
“Mother blamed me,” I said. “Even though it was an accident. They told me I’d never be like the earth godwitch. That I was a mistake and that death and destruction followed me wherever I went.”
“Enid.” Nevan put his arm around me, and I relaxed, some of the tension bleeding from me at this simple, sweet gesture. “That’s awful and incredibly harsh.” He gave me a small shake. “You have to know what they said isn’t true.”
I pressed my cheek against his chest, his heart thumping under my ear. “That’s just one of the reasons I have a complicated relationship with the earth godwitch.”
“Your mother was a fucking idiot.”
An unexpected laugh bubbled out of me. Nevan had no idea he’d just insulted a godwitch. If he thought desecrating their statue would earn their wrath, I couldn’t imagine how he’d feel knowing he had just called one a “fucking idiot.”
“What’s so funny?” He let go of me and leaned back to study my face, and I laughed harder.
I bent over, gripping my stomach, tears streaming down my cheeks. “You’re right,” I said finally. “They were.”
I inhaled a shaky breath.
Nevan just shook his head, giving me a small smile. “Death and destruction do not follow you.”
“I literally just destroyed one of your sacred statues.”
“We can build another one. And, technically, you didn’t destroy it. Vine did.”
“Vine did it for me,” I pointed out.
“I know.” He reached out and brushed away a stray tear I hadn’t realized was there. “That’s what’s so incredible.” His thumb lingered on my cheek, brushing back and forth in slow strokes.
For the first time since he’d arrived, I felt brave enough to meet his blue-gray gaze. It was impossibly soft, not disgusted or angry, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t hate me. But in this moment, I didn’t care. All that mattered was that he didn’t.
“How is that incredible?” I asked. “Everyone is so angry. Prince Cillian probably lost his mind.”
His gaze never left mine. “Because look how much that vine loves you. That creature that’s supposed to squeeze things to death and then devour them follows you around like a puppy.
It adores you, and it wasn’t made knowing how to do that.
Vines, even sentient ones, don’t understand love.
Our castle certainly doesn’t seem to. Vine learned that from you. ”
My eyes welled with tears, my heart swelling impossibly big. To think I’d ever thought it didn’t work. “You have to stop saying all these nice things.” I stood abruptly, back to Nevan, while I stared at the green water. All of this was too much.
He was being kind because he didn’t know the real me, and that killed me. He didn’t know all the things I’d done, the ways my creations had hurt others.
He caught my hand from behind before I could run away again, his touch searing through me. I stilled, chest heaving, emotions so big it felt like they might explode.
“Nevan—”
He reeled me into him, and I gasped as my body crashed into his, his arms wrapping me tight.
“Don’t meet with Ambrose next month,” he said, gaze fiery and filled with a ferocity I hadn’t seen from him. “Just . . . just don’t.”
I searched his face, not understanding what he was saying.
“I’m right here, Enid. If you want someone. Pick me.” He cupped my cheek, his voice lowering to a whisper. “Use me.”
Heat flooded through me, a river of pent-up desire, a dam about to burst. “But this is pretend. It’s—”
His thumb started brushing my cheek again. “I know you feel whatever this is between us. I know you felt it when I kissed you the other day, and I don’t want to deny it anymore. This can still be pretend, but why not enjoy the benefits of a real relationship?”
I stared at him in shock.
His gaze was so heated it ignited every corner of my body. He leaned his head down, his breath warm on my ear. “I’m right here. Take whatever you want. We have five more weeks together, so let’s make the most of it.”
I should have argued. This was a bad idea for so many reasons, but with Nevan’s body so close to mine, his lips right there, I couldn’t say anything but “Okay” as I turned my head and his lips met mine.