Chapter Thirty-Four Even if It’s Messy
thirty-four
Even If It’s Messy
I wake to the first rays of sun, filtering through the blinds.
Morning, I think, rolling over and ready to fall back to sleep. Before I do, I feel a dip on the side of the mattress, someone sitting there. Jasmine, I think.
She leans over me. “Hey. My mom will be home soon.”
But the voice is not Jasmine’s.
It’s Chase.
That’s strange. What is Chase Hedlund doing in my room? I must be dreaming.
I crack an eye open to see a dark blue wall that looks nothing like Jasmine’s white bedroom. Chase is on the edge of the bed, his bare back to me, pulling on his jeans. My pile of dried clothes is next to him.
It’s morning. And I’m in Chase’s bed.
It’s morning and I’m in Chase’s bed!
I spring up and realize I’m not wearing anything.
Oh my God. Lunging forward, I grab my clothes, using them to shield myself from him.
We must’ve fallen asleep sometime after we moved to his bedroom.
At the time, between kisses, I remember thinking I’d never sleep, because I didn’t think I’d ever get my fill of him.
He glances back at me, and I shriek as I pull on my underwear. His lips curve in amusement and I scramble under the covers and try to get dressed there. When I get most of my clothes on and pull off the covers, my flowered crop top is on backward. Damn.
He watches me try to twist it around while still wearing it, enjoying the show. I scowl at him as I finger-comb the rat’s nest on my head. I must look like a nightmare.
“Why did you let me fall asleep? I’m going to be in so much trouble!”
“Hmm,” he says. Of course he doesn’t care. Trouble is his favorite thing.
I grab my phone. I find about fifty messages, from Connor, Jasmine, Everett, Maggie, Dan, and even Everett’s dad. All of them asking different versions of the same question—where are you?
The only saving grace is that Mar isn’t on that list, which means I can use her as my alibi if she allows it. I’m already typing the request as I race to the entryway, looking for my shoes.
Me: SOS. I stayed out all night by accident and need an alibi. Can I say I was at your place?
Despite the early hour, she actually responds, triggering a wave of relief.
Mar: No prob. But I expect all the deets later. And I mean ALL THE DEETS. Or I’ll rat you out.
Me: Deal.
I shove the phone in my pocket, groaning. “This is so bad.”
Chase moves in front of the door, blocking my way. His voice is rough as he asks, “Do you regret what happened last night?”
After a long beat, I shake my head. “No.”
One corner of his mouth quirks up. “Me neither.”
Pressing my lips together, I force myself not to let a big, stupid smile surface. “I still have to go.”
I put my hands on his chest, trying to nudge him out of the way, but he wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me toward him. I try to stand firm, but one look at him and I give in, smiling as he kisses me.
Everything outside these doors is messed up. I wish I could stay here forever. But I have to face the music sooner or later, because the real world always invades. Chase and I might not regret what we did, but that doesn’t negate the fact that we both betrayed Everett.
With that thought in my head, I manage to tear myself away. He drives me home, letting me off at the end of the driveway. As I sprint toward the Shipley house, reality sets in.
Inside, I find Maggie on the phone, and my uncle pacing. “Yes,” my aunt says, gnawing on a thumbnail. “Ryan. Yes. Auburn hair. That’s what I said.”
She suddenly notices me, and her eyes go wide.
“Officer, she just walked through the door. Thank you.” Maggie ends the call and runs over to me, yanking me into a hug. “Ryan! We were so worried about you!”
“I’m sorry,” I say as Dan joins in on the hug. “I went to Mar’s house to watch a movie and we ended up falling asleep. I woke up to find my phone totally dead. I’m so sorry.”
Dan sighs. “Connor said that’s where you’d be. But the twins didn’t have her number.”
“I’m so glad you’re safe,” Maggie says, smoothing my hair and looking me over. “Don’t ever give me a heart attack like that again.” Before I can respond, she turns toward the hall and shouts for my cousins. “Con! Jazzy! Ryan’s home!”
My cousins emerge from the hall. Although it’s barely seven in the morning, they’re both wide-awake. Jasmine stumbles toward me.
“Where were you?” she snaps. “Do you even realize how worried we were?”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to worry everyone. I was at Mar’s house, and we fell asleep.”
Jasmine studies my face. “Someone said they saw you leaving with Chase.”
My heart stops. “Oh. Yeah. I did. But he just gave me a ride to Mar’s.”
It comes out so easily. Too easily. Another lie. Tangling the web ever further.
One day, I’m going to be so trapped in all these threads, and I’ll have no one to blame but myself.
I keep my head down for the next week, concentrating on school because I have several assignments due before Thanksgiving. For the third night in a row, I go over to Mar’s house to hang out and do homework together.
“Is that him again?” Mar teases when my phone vibrates for the third time.
I crane my neck to peer at the screen.
Chase: I’m starting to think you’re avoiding me.
“Yeah. It’s him,” I confirm, and I can’t stop a smile as I grab the phone to text him back.
Me: I’m not avoiding you. I just need to finish this Government paper for tomorrow. I swear.
“Never thought I’d see the day that someone turns Chase Hedlund into a lovesick fool,” Mar remarks.
“He’s not lovesick. He just wants to get laid again.”
That earns me a loud snort of laughter. “Have you looked at the guy, Ship? He can get laid with the snap of his fingers. He doesn’t need to triple-text you for that.”
I shrug, but I can’t deny that it makes me feel a bit…gooey at the thought that Chase might also be feeling…gooey.
We’re still texting when I’m climbing into bed later. I feel stupid and giddy as I curl on my side with my phone in hand.
Chase: I still think you should come over.
Me: I still think it’s midnight and I’m cozy in my bed.
Chase: Want me to sneak in through your window?
Me: Sure! We can fool around with Jasmine sleeping five feet away.
Chase: Way to kill the mood.
Chase: Off topic, saw this today and it reminded me of you.
A video link pops up. I click it and proceed to spend the next two minutes watching the most incredible time-lapse photo series showing a year in the life of the most adorable African elephant on the planet.
Me: omg I can’t. All the cuteness is going to make my heart explode.
Chase: Cutest thing I’ve ever fucking seen.
I wonder if anyone would believe me if I told them Chase Hedlund was sending me cute elephant videos at midnight. Probably not.
The following day, I turn in my assignment, which frees me up to enjoy the long weekend without any schoolwork hanging over my head.
Thanksgiving is a quiet affair. Quiet in size, that is, as it’s just the five of us.
The day itself is loud and fun, and the emotions hit me harder than I expect.
I haven’t experienced a real Thanksgiving, with turkey and pumpkin pie and charades after dinner.
Gran was a no-muss, no-fuss kind of woman.
For Thanksgiving, the two of us would volunteer at the local soup kitchen.
Which was rewarding, certainly, but spending the holidays surrounded by family is a whole different type of reward.
On Friday night, I agree to work at the animal rescue, because it’s impossible to say no to JP and his army of puppies.
As I’m getting off the bus near the shelter, I get a text from Agent Foster confirming my next session with Dr. Wilmer on Tuesday.
Apprehension circles my chest, but as much as I never want to attend another hypnosis session in my life, I have no choice.
I respond with a quick assent and tuck my phone away.
JP walks out of the back room when I enter the shelter. “Hey! I’m glad you’re here. I’m trying to clip Leona’s nails and she’s throwing a hissy fit. I need the backup.”
Grinning, I unzip my hoodie and drape it over the desk chair. “Lead the way.”
We spend the next hour clipping nails, much to the displeasure of nearly every dog in the kennels. Eventually, the task falls solely on me, while JP inventories the cupboards to see which grooming supplies he needs to reorder.
The shelter is quiet except for the occasional canine whimper.
I’ve been clipping Rambo’s nails for the past five minutes, which is turning out to be more of a struggle than I anticipated because Rambo is a scrappy terrier with a stubborn streak, squirming every time I try to get his paw to stay still.
“Rambo,” I warn, “you’re going to make this a lot harder if you keep acting like a bratty toddler.”
He squirms again, but finally he settles, watching me with wide, slightly wary eyes. I clip the first nail, and his ears perk as if he’s surprised it didn’t hurt.
“There, see? Easy, right?” I smile at him, and his little tail starts to wag as he realizes I’m not the enemy. “Just a few more, and then you’re done.”
JP, who’s organizing items on the counter, glances over with a thoughtful expression. When I finish the last nail, he clears his throat. “You know,” he says, “you remind me a lot of Leah.”
I straighten, caught off guard. He hardly ever talks about his late wife. “Really?”
“She had that same patience you have, but with this core of iron. She always acted like she didn’t have time for nonsense, but deep down…
” JP shakes his head, smiling faintly. “Deep down she was a softie, even though she tried to hide it. You’d think she didn’t do the whole emotion thing.
Lord, she was guarded, but when she finally let you in, it was something else.
Like she opened a door no one else could see. ”
I stare down at the nail clippers, not sure what to say. I’ve only heard bits and pieces about Leah. She doesn’t feel entirely real to me.
All I know for sure is that my father killed her.
“How did you deal with her murder?” I ask quietly. “How do you deal with it now, not knowing where her body is?”
JP sighs. “It kills me to think about it, I won’t lie. But…I had to let it go. I had two kids who’d lost their mom. Dwelling on the loss would’ve only eaten me alive. Would’ve taken me away from Everett and Nikki when they needed me most.”
I nod slowly. “I get that.”
“Sometimes you have to choose who you’re going to live for. Leah wouldn’t want me lost in bitterness. She’d want me to be here for them, not chasing ghosts.”
An ache squeezes my chest. It’s impossible not to see JP in a new light, to understand the kind of strength he must’ve needed to simply keep going after his wife was gone.
I hesitate before voicing another question. “Are you mad that I broke up with Everett?”
JP gives me a curious glance. “Mad?” he repeats. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Ryan, my son’s love life is his concern, not mine.”
“Really?”
“Really. Whatever happens between you two, that’s for you and him to decide.”
I’m not sure what I expected him to say, but there’s a strange relief in knowing he doesn’t hate me for ending things with his son.
“You’re both young,” JP continues. “There’s a lot of living to do, a lot of figuring out who you are and what you want.
Listen, Ev’s a good kid, but he’s not perfect.
Neither are you. Neither am I. Nobody is.
That’s part of what you work through, no matter who you’re with.
It’s only fair to both of you if you’re honest, even if it’s messy. ”
I let out a breath, my shoulders relaxing a little. “Thanks, JP.” As we’re taking Rambo back to his kennel, another thought crosses my mind, one I’ve been batting away since the party. “What do you think of Chase?”
There’s a beat, and then JP chuckles, giving me a knowing look. “Chase, huh?”
I feel heat creep up my neck. “What?”
“You want me to warn you away from him?”
“I don’t know what I want to hear,” I admit. “Just the truth, I guess.”
JP thinks for a moment. “Chase is a good kid. He’s got his guard up a lot, but he’s loyal. Honest too. And he’ll watch out for the people he cares about.”
“He will?”
“Always. That’s the thing with people like him. When they let someone in, it means something.” JP offers another smile. Soft, almost fatherly. “I think he’s worth getting to know.”
I try to keep my face neutral, but my relief must show because he winks at me.
“Just don’t break his heart, okay? I don’t need two sulking boys around here.”