Chapter Fifteen
Levi
Years ago, before I asked Krystal out on our first date, there was a moment we shared together outside our firehouse.
It was a normal day, and we were making small talk.
I don’t remember the joke I made or what exactly I said, but she laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.
Afterwards, she looked up at me. The sun was shining in her bright brown eyes, and I watched as her gaze lingered, settling on me with affection and a flicker of vulnerability.
In them was hope and wonder. In them, I could see all the possibilities of what our future could hold if we took the next step.
So I did. I leaned into the peace I found in her, the way she settled something inside me like I was never at rest until I found her. It all started with a look.
A look similar to the one that I saw on Tris’s face earlier today.
All she said was my name, but I felt the weight of what was to follow slam into me like a freight train.
My mouth went dry, and my heart rate spiked.
I know she could sense it, and that’s why she hesitated.
Over these past few months, I’ve learned that for Tris, being vulnerable doesn’t come naturally.
For her, trusting someone and allowing her walls to come down takes more than just courage.
It takes going against her every instinct.
Her past has taught her that people are unreliable, and believing that means she’s always ready for disappointment.
I don’t want to be another person in her life that disappoints her, but that look... It scared the shit out of me. I finished my food as quickly as I could and left the cafe like there was a fire under my ass.
The air between us shifted a few weeks back.
That ‘what if’ I’d been ignoring? It’s gone from a thought to late nights and looks I can’t write off anymore.
She’s been avoiding me, as if I couldn’t tell, but until today, I didn’t mind.
Space is good when you’re not sure what the hell you’re doing, lusting after a woman while missing another.
I can’t even look at her without an overwhelming sense of guilt following close behind.
The night she locked herself out, I practically choked on it.
She was so close, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to pull her into me.
When she leaned into me, I almost lost control because I knew she felt it too.
After breaking down her door and returning inside, I had a panic attack that took me an hour to recover from.
Now, after an epic battle at the house, measuring the door frame, and picking up all the pieces I’ll need from the local hardware store, my adrenaline is pumping as I pull up to Tom’s house.
I fight past my nerves that feel like they’re fried at this point and hop out of my truck as Tom steps out.
I was hoping to shoot him a text so he couldn’t ask too many questions, but I guess my luck is nowhere to be found today.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Tom asks as I round the back of my truck and open the bed. When he sees my face, his steps falter, and his brows crease in the middle. “You alright?”
“I’m fan-fucking-tastic.”
I don’t even look at him. I can’t. I’m a whirlwind of contradicting emotions right now: guilt, anger, shame, fear, desire, and hope.
If I stop moving now, I’ll have to confront them, and I’m not ready.
Instead, I stomp toward the shed where I know he keeps his tools.
After gathering everything I’ll need, I carry it back to the truck.
I can feel Tom’s eyes on me as I offload it all into the bed, and I already know he’s not going to let me leave without having this conversation.
Except, he’s nowhere near prepared for the morning that I’ve had.
“Right, and I’m Malibu Barbie,” he deadpans. “What’s going on?”
“What’s going on? Hmm, let me think.” I scratch at my beard, pretending to have forgotten. “Let’s see. Did you know that the raccoons around here know how to wield knives?”
His face scrunches in pure unadulterated confusion, but I don’t stop there.
“Oh yeah, and they know how to square up, too. Those little shits aren’t little either, my man.
I’m 6’4, and this asshole came up to my waist. Ellie nearly shit herself, and not knowing if it was feral with rabies, I had to yell at her to go inside while I went to battle like some type of gladiator from medieval times.
Thank God Tris’s coat rack doubles as a weapon or else I’d have been shit out of luck and you’d be getting a nine-one-one call about me bleeding out from stab wounds for getting between a raccoon and a damn cup-of-noodles. ”
“I don’t think gladiators were from medieval times...” Tom responds calmly.
“Whatever,” I huff, slamming the door closed on the bed of the truck.
“Why is there a whole door in your truck?”
“Were you not listening at all?”
“You’re making a door for the raccoon?”
I let out a low, guttural huff, to which he laughs.
“Okay, I’m kidding.” He shrugs. “So the door is for Tris?” He raises a brow, and I look away.
“It’s not for her. It’s for her duplex. I mean, it’ll be hers, but that’s not why I’m doing it. I—” I stammer, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t be coming home wrestling raccoons or worried that the next time it or something else makes it through her door, I won’t be there to protect her.”
Tom’s eyes widen, and he pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek like he’s chewing back his words. “Uh-huh.”
“She needs a door. This should have been taken care of months ago by the landlord, actually.”
“If she had told Callie, I’m sure it would have been.”
“Of course, Tris isn’t going to ask someone for help. She’s too damn stubborn for that,” I shout, arms flailing. “Everyone’s hard on her. So she’s out here not wanting to be an inconvenience and putting her life in danger every day because of it.”
“Because of the killer raccoons?” Tom taunts.
“I’m going to punch you.”
Tom chuckles. “Take a breath. I’m just messin’ around. I get it.”
I raise my brow, stepping back slightly.
“Really, I do,” Tom says in a softer tone before he pauses, choosing his next words carefully. “You care about her, and you’re upset because even though it’s been pretty obvious to most of us, for some reason, you’re only now accepting it.”
“I can’t do this.” My feet crunch the gravel beneath it as I head for the driver’s side door.
“Do what, Levi? Have this conversation? Care about someone? Understand that you don’t deserve to be alone for the rest of your life?” Tom pushes, following me around the opposite side of my truck.
I knew if we had this conversation, he’d dig in. No one else would have the guts to, but Tom isn’t just anyone.
“I’m not doing this.” I pull open the door, but Tom is there, pushing it shut and holding his ground. “Tom,” I warn, my voice low as all the rage I’ve been pushing down starts to come to the surface.
“I know you miss her. We all do, but you don’t get to stop living just because she died. I won’t let you.”
My teeth clench and grind as his hand slowly comes down on my shoulder.
“You deserve to be happy, Levi.”
“But I’m not,” I snap, shoving his arm off my shoulder and taking a few steps back as my breath comes out heavy.
“I’m not happy, Tom. I’m angry! She’s gone!
We had a whole life that we were promising to each other, and she fucking left me here.
” My voice cracks as my body shakes. Slamming my hands onto the side of my truck, I drop my head between my arms and stare down at the ground.
“It should have been me, Tom,” I admit quietly, choking back the tears that threaten to spill.
“It should have been me, and I’m so fucking angry,” I say through gritted teeth.
“I don’t even know who I’m more angry with anymore, her or myself.
I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t keep her safe, but she’s gone, and I don’t know how to move on.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to care about someone without feeling like I’m betraying Krystal and the life we planned together. ”
My heart pounds in my chest as I look up at Tom for answers. “And I can’t go through that again... I can’t lose another piece of myself like that. I won’t make it next time.”
“There won’t be a next time, Brother. Not everything ends in tragedy. You loved Krystal until her last breath, and even now, but it’s okay to make room for someone else. Sometimes it works out better than you could’ve ever hoped,” he says, eyes locked on mine, believing every word.
If only I could share his beliefs.
“I can’t do it, man.” I shake my head, anger still coming off me in waves, but not at him. “I’m so happy for you and that you have the life you always wanted, but the life I wanted is gone. I don’t know if I’m ready to start imagining another one.”
“Go fix the door. Keep her safe. It’ll work out.” Tom nods and heads back inside, having said all he can.
I get in the truck and stare at the steering wheel, taking deep, calming breaths before hightailing it out and back to my place. Ellie’s paw comes over and lands on my leg with a soft whimper, like even she knows my mind is a wreck and there isn’t anything I can do about it.