Chapter Nineteen #2
“What’s going on?” Tris asks, looking between us as she turns the corner of the counter to kiss me hello.
“We’re all going to the new bookstore,” Rory sing-songs, skipping as she loops arms with Tris and pulls her out the door.
Tris glances over her shoulder and gives me that smile, the one that she reserves just for me, and I chuckle. Rory might have a point. It’s only been a month, but there isn’t much I wouldn’t do just to see that smile.
“Good luck,” Ainsley says with a laugh as I head out after them.
After spending longer than I ever thought it possible to spend in a bookstore, the girls have finally chosen a book for the book club.
“It’s a bookstore. I mean, come on. Why did you think I asked permission? A couple of hours is nothing! I could spend all day there. I mean, did you see the selection of Indie Romance Authors?” Rory says, pretending to swoon.
This time, both Tris and I shake our heads.
“So what did you girls pick out?” I ask, having been asked for my opinion on the matter multiple times and given several this-or-that cases. They both laughed when I asked what the difference is between a love triangle and why choose.
Who knew?
“We went with the firefighter romance,” Rory beams.
“Wait, that’s a thing? I’m a,” I pause, trying to remember what I learned today. “I’m a trope?”
Both girls snicker, and my eyebrows turn down.
“Forget it,” I grumble. I’m not used to this, to caring about anything outside of my own interests. At least not enough to ask about it. But here I am.
Something gentle moves through Tris’s gaze, and she adjusts her wildflower tote bag on her shoulder before grabbing my arm, pulling me into her.
I make a show of ignoring her, lifting my head up to the sky with a brow raised in defiance, despite my arms coming around her waist, squeezing softly, keeping her held against me.
“You’re cute.” She smiles, pulling on my beard with a gentle tug. “And yes, that’s absolutely a thing. Women love to read about it while I get to experience the real thing.”
I look down, meeting her gaze through her long lashes as she cleverly strokes my ego. “Damn right you do.”
I thread my hand through her hair on the back of her head and lean down for a kiss, savoring the way she melts and opens her mouth just enough for me to get a taste of her.
“Should I give you guys a minute or?” Rory asks, clearing her throat, dramatically looking everywhere but at us.
Tris’s lips pull into a smile against mine before pulling away. “Brat,” she teases.
Rory gives her a wink before we head back to my truck and drop Rory off at her car.
“Don’t forget to let me know if you guys are coming to the hockey game this Monday for Emma’s birthday surprise.”
“Ugh,” Tris groans. “Is it too soon to say I’m running late?”
Rory bites back a laugh, turning it instead into a disappointed, downward twist of her lips and a slow head-shake.
“See you tomorrow! Enjoy the age gap!” Tris calls out the window, causing Rory’s face to turn redder than I’ve ever seen.
“That thing has seen better days,” I say after pulling away.
Tris gasps. “What an awful thing to say. Rory’s doing her best.”
“I didn’t mean Rory,” I say, quickly correcting myself. “I meant her car...”
I shift my gaze to her, making sure she gets it, as I turn up the driveway, only to scowl when I see she’s biting back a grin.
“Sorry,” she chuckles. “That was too easy.”
She jumps out of the truck and rushes to my door, letting Ellie out.
I swear it’s her favorite part of coming home, and it fills me with a quiet contentment every time.
I might be able to guess that Tris loves me despite her not coming right out and saying it, but I know she loves my dog.
I watch them both with a lazy smile as I trail behind, making my way to the porch.
“That’s a good girl!” She kneels on the porch, rubbing under Ellie’s chin and all over her belly. “Look what momma brought you.”
Tris pulls out the biscuits as I come to an abrupt stop at the steps.
“What’s wrong?” Tris asks, wiping off the crumbs from her hands, scanning me for danger as she stands slowly.
“You called... You called yourself,” I stammer, unsure of how to explain what’s happening as an imaginary band tightens around my chest, cutting off my breath.
I try to inhale once more, but this time it stretches tighter, pulling until it feels as far as it can go.
My hand comes up, grasping for the invisible noose as it compresses, pushing down, stealing with it what little room I have left to breathe.
My vision blurs, and I reach for the railing but miss, stumbling to the side.
“Levi,” Tris cries out, coming to my side and helping me find a seat on the steps before I hurt myself.
Ellie follows behind her, pressing her head into my chest, increasing the pressure but at the same time anchoring me to the present while Tris repeats my name slowly and tells me to breathe. I do as she says until her voice no longer sounds as though it’s coming from far away.
After what feels like an eternity of being underwater, I come up for a deep breath. Each one that follows is easier than the last.
“That’s it, Levi,” Tris says, her voice shaky as she rubs circles on my back. “Just keep breathing, baby. I’m right here.”
Eventually, my breathing returns to normal.
I relax into the railing, letting it support most of my weight while Tris leans her head against my shoulder.
Still holding onto me, her hand rests on my back, and Ellie curls into a ball at my feet.
Neither of us says anything right away, so we sit in silence as I try to gather my thoughts and understand what happened.
I breathe in and out a shuddering breath, letting the last of the panic leave my body, and Tris shifts beside me.
“Are you okay?” Her voice is soft and trembling, and her eyes ricochet between mine, searching for answers.
Emotion clogs my throat, causing me to have to clear it before answering. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”
“What happened, Levi?” she asks more gently than I’ve ever heard her speak.
“I’ve suffered with panic attacks ever since the accident,” I say flatly, detached, staring off at the mountains in the distance like they’ve got answers I don’t.
She absorbs the information and frowns. Her expression is laced with pain, like it hurts her knowing this is something I’ve suffered with alone, but changes into one of confusion.
“But panic attacks are caused by triggers. No?” she asks, trying to understand. “You were fine. We only just got home, I gave Ellie the biscuits and...” Her voice wavers, breaking off as she pieces it together.
My head falls forward, weighed down with frustration at myself, and guilt takes its place when Tris inhales sharply beside me.
“I called myself momma.” She lets the words fall between us.
“I know in my mind that it’s not a big deal,” I try to reason, to explain, but the words tore through the carefully patched-over grief I’ve been carrying, and logic had no business there.
“You’re as much Ellie’s mom as...” Again, my voice trails off as I struggle to get the words out, grinding my teeth together, frustrated that I can’t get a grip on my emotions.
“If you think about it, you’ve been with Ellie longer,” I laugh out bitterly now. “It’s fine, I’m fine.”
I try to stand, but Tris keeps me in my place on the step beside her.
“No, you’re not.” She takes my face in her hand, forcing me to look into her eyes that are shining with raw sincerity. “And that’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“Stop,” she says in that authoritative tone of hers.
“You don’t have to apologize for something you have no control over.
This is something that happened to you, a loss you’re still healing from.
” She lowers her hand from my face and threads her fingers through mine.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through, what you’re still going through.
I thought I knew loss when my family lost everything, but that’s nothing in comparison. ”
She lets out a sharp huff, looking away for a moment.
“Turns out I didn’t have all that much after all.
It took losing everything for me to finally have it all.
” She looks back at me with a sad smile.
“Our story didn’t start with moving on, Levi.
It started with our choice to keep going, despite all the loss. ”
She looks down at our hands, drawing circles with her thumb while I think about everything she’s said and about all the choices we’ve made that have led us here.
Her circles stop, and when she looks up at me again, tears fill her bloodshot eyes, falling over as she blinks and inhales sharply on a silent sob.
“I’m so sorry she’s not the one here with you. ”
I freeze, the shock of her words and seeing the tears trail down her face paralyzing me before I pull her into my chest, holding her, grounding both of us in this moment, together.
Every sob she lets out rips at me, tearing away the layers of grief I’ve been hiding under, shining a light and calling to the places inside myself where the panic and pain can no longer hide.
Layer by layer falls until there’s nothing left but a single truth I’ve been too ashamed to admit.
Scared that its admittance would break something deep inside me and shatter the very reality that holds the memories of my past together.
My chest constricts, my heart aching as it truly accepts what I thought it already had.
That Krystal is gone... and that I’m happy.
I’m happy that Tris is the one here.
I push Tris back and wipe the tears from her face.
“I’m not sorry,” I finally say out loud.
Tris’s eyes search mine for the lie. Like, surely what I’m saying can’t be true, but it is.
“I’m not sorry that it’s you, Tris. I’m not sorry that I get to have and hold you and fight with you.” I laugh, though my throat threatens to constrict. “I love hearing you call yourself Ellie’s momma and spending time with you.”
I drop my head and wipe my hand over my face, holding back the tears in my eyes.
“I loved Krystal, and yeah, I miss her every day. That’s what no one tells you when you lose someone.
You don’t only lose them once, but every time something reminds you of them.
They don’t tell you that the hardest part is feeling their absence in the little day-to-day things.
You expect it to be the big ones, but it’s not.
” I pause, trying to find the words to say to get her to understand.
“But still, I’m not sorry, Tris. The one thing I will never be sorry about in this life is loving you. ”
Her hand covers her mouth as a sound that’s a half-sob, half-chuckle escapes her. “You love me?”
She sounds surprised, and it breaks my heart that a part of her finds it hard to believe.
“Tris,” I say with an amused exhale, lifting her chin with my knuckle. “Trust me, I tried really hard not to.”
She slaps my chest and laughs. “Jerk.”
“Yeah, but I’m your jerk. For as long as you’ll have me.” I kiss her softly, the taste of salty tears still on her soft lips.
“I like the sound of that,” she breathes, and I feel a surge of contentment, the kind that makes the world shrink to just this moment.
She rests her head on my chest, and I wrap my arm around her as we watch the sun set over the mountains, casting everything in a soft, golden glow. Before heading inside, I catch movement by Tris’s bird feeder and look over just in time to see her robin fly away.