Chapter 4
four
JOHANNA
When I was in third grade, Tommy Gillespie told me that Santa Claus wasn’t real. I was devastated and spent the rest of the day at school and the bus ride home crying my little heart out. Once my parents calmed me down and had the “talk”—not that one— I was in a state of shock for about a week.
The shock of that news feels minuscule compared to the bombshell my dad just dropped.
“ What do you mean sell?” Patrick asks, panic seeping from his tone.
“ We mean, it’s been almost a year since we’ve had a profitable month. The cost of produce is rising and with competitors opening their doors every week and large chains in the city, we don’t see this being a viable business for much longer,” Claire explains.
So many questions zip around in my brain, but I can’t seem to find my voice to ask them. I knew things hadn’t been great from what Dad told me over the phone, but from the worry etched into his face now, it’s clear things are much worse than he let on. Guilt hits me hard at that realization, and I wish I asked him what was happening sooner, because while I haven’t worked here in almost six years, this place means the world to me.
My dad and Patrick’s dad, Ted , put so much passion, love, time, and money into Our Place . To hear they’re thinking of selling after nearly twenty-eight years feels like my childhood is disappearing before my eyes. It’s a different type of loss I didn’t expect to face when returning to town. I won’t deny that this place is a painful reminder of my mom and Ted no longer being with us—something I struggled to acknowledge at first—but I would never want the restaurant to stop being a part of my life.
Every surface of this place reminds me of my mom. If you look closely at the parquet floor, you can spot a crimson-red stain from where my dad dropped a crate of wine after she jumped out and scared him one Halloween . Or the paneled wall by the bar, you will find about twenty poorly patched-up holes from where she tried and failed to hang up picture frames. It’s a bittersweet pillar to her memory.
Every corner, surface, and crevice reminds me of her absence. It may have been almost two decades since she died, though sometimes I feel like that lost and shattered seventeen-year-old when I think too hard about it. Which is why I don’t talk about her often.
This is where Harriet took her first steps. Where Ted and Claire told their friends and family they were expecting Florence . Where we all came to take pictures before prom. Where I came to cry on my mom’s shoulder after my high school boyfriend dumped me. Where I realized my feelings for Patrick went much further than friendship.
This place is both a safe haven and a reminder of some of my hardest days.
Patrick and Booth are in a state of shock and haven’t uttered a word since the news broke out. Booth is uncharacteristically quiet, and Patrick is hyper focused on something in front of him— I don’t think he’s blinked for minutes.
I decide to break the deafening silence. “ Surely hiring me isn’t a smart business decision then? That’s going to cost you more money.”
That brings Patrick back into the room, because his eyes whip to mine. He just stares at me, and my god, I can feel all the words he isn’t speaking. I knew today would be hard. That seeing him for the first time in years would have those feelings I’d hoped had been pushed aside racing back to the surface at full force; I’m surprised they haven’t toppled me backward off the chair.
It’s crazy what time can do to someone, because there’s no way I ever thought of this man as boyish. I’m sure as heck not complaining, though, because Patrick is really pulling off the fine lines and creases around his eyes. I’d like to presume those lines are from laughing, I wouldn’t know though. It’s been so long since I heard it, and I’m not sure I even deserve to anymore.
The crooked nose he’s always hated after breaking it during a lacrosse game is still as endearing; so perfectly imperfect against his handsome features. The white scar on the cleft of his chin. Dark brows. A sharp jaw he used to keep clean is shadowed with stubble today. Perhaps she likes the stubble.
No , I’m not going down that road. I have no right to be angry or jealous.
“ Listen , kids, I know this is a lot to take in right now, but please trust us on this decision.” Dad looks at me before casting his eyes to Patrick . “ Hiring Johanna is the best thing for the restaurant right now.”
I almost want to laugh that my dad still refers to us as kids, considering I’m older than he was when he had me. Almost , because I’m too busy feeling weighed down by the sudden pressure from his last words.
“ Take a couple of days to think about it. Both of you. If we can all agree, Johanna will manage the front of house, Booth the kitchen, and Patrick can oversee the general day-to-day and bar. The more hands on deck will free you up and give you the time you’ve struggled to find, Pat . It’s not a punishment, we know how hard you work.” I don’t know what his relationship with Patrick and Booth is like anymore, but from the looks on their faces, they trust my dad.
Both brothers nod their heads in unison, giving their silent agreement. And then four sets of eyes land on me. So much for Take a couple of days, because I’m feeling the pressure to make a decision here and now.
I think about what’s at stake. My family’s business. Memories of my mom and Ted . My already hopeless heart.
This isn’t what I expected to sign up for when Dad asked me to come back to town, and I’m still surprised I’m sitting here at this table despite all my fears and regrets. Maybe this is a way to prove to not only myself but everyone around me that I’m not the disappointment they think I am. It’s clear Patrick doesn’t want me here; a truth I’ll have to ignore for now.
This is definitely something I need to unpack with my therapist, and while my brain is screaming at me to slow down and think this through, I know this is what I need to do. Pride and heart be damned.
Pushing back my shoulders, I take a deep breath before speaking, my voice no longer wobbly.
“ I’m in. Tell me when and I’m yours.”