Chapter Fifteen
“Do you need anything else?” Lucy knew that she was hovering.
She also knew that it was only making everyone feel worse.
Natalie had managed to wrestle a smile back onto her face, but the longer Lucy stood there in the recording studio doorway, the more strained it looked.
“I probably have time to make another trip to your dorm.”
“No, no. Don’t you dare. It’ll be dark soon.” Natalie squeezed her elbow—such a sweet, automatic Natalie gesture that it twisted the knife deeper. Even now, she was trying to comfort Lucy. “Athena’s got enough bedding here for me, and I can always pick up some more stuff if I want to stay longer.”
How was Natalie so good at this? All this time, she’d been there for Lucy like it was nothing.
It was horribly apparent now that that wasn’t such an easy thing to do.
Mila had steered them all back to the studio with ruthless efficiency.
Athena had brewed the tea that was currently nestled in Natalie’s shaking fingers.
But all Lucy had been able to do was stand there and watch.
It was all she had done since she got to Rollins.
Over Natalie’s shoulder, Athena wasn’t looking at them, but Lucy could tell she was listening nonetheless. She hadn’t said much since they’d come back. A few hushed words of comfort to Natalie, a few equally quiet but much more businesslike words to Mila.
But there was no I told you so. There was no pointing out that they’d been impatient, and that it had nearly gotten them all killed. She was fully focused on her equipment for tonight.
If Lucy hadn’t had a few days’ worth of experience reading Athena’s microexpressions, the look on her face would have seemed neutral. She did have that experience, though. She saw the wariness behind the placid exterior.
She touched the hollow of her own throat. Wariness was the least of what she deserved.
“Hey.” Natalie set her mug down and wrapped her arms around Lucy. Her pulse pattered against the side of Lucy’s neck. “I’ll be okay. I just need some sleep and a good cry. But not too loud of a good cry, because I don’t want tonight’s callers to ask who that wailing woman behind Pallas is.”
Lucy squeezed her tighter. “Call me if you can’t sleep.”
“Sure. But if you pick up, I’m going to be so mad.” When Natalie pulled back, her eyes were wet. She laughed ruefully as she scrubbed at them. “Okay, shoo. Go get some rest.”
A hand came to rest on Lucy’s shoulder from behind. It was Mila, drawing her back into the hall. “I’ll call you later to debrief,” Mila said over Lucy’s head.
Athena nodded as she straightened. Any wariness, or anger, or whatever else she was feeling slipped neatly behind her mask. “Be careful getting back.”
Once again, they started down the hill. This time to the dining hall—though Lucy wasn’t sure she’d ever felt less like eating in her life. They were nearly halfway there by the time Mila finally spoke.
“It’s not your fault,” she said.
“You’re only saying that because you think it’s your fault,” Lucy mumbled.
“Is it not?” Mila said. “Because I very clearly started it.”
“And we both agreed to go,” Lucy said. Her stomach felt sour just thinking about it. “But I knew what I was getting into. Natalie didn’t. Not really.”
“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Mila said.
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?” Lucy said. “She was the only one of us who hadn’t seen a vampire firsthand, until today.”
“Well, true,” Mila said. “But until I came face-to-face with your vampire roommate the other night, I’d never seen one up close, either.
I’d never seen Vanya—still haven’t. I’ve just seen the chaos he leaves in his wake.
So I get Natalie. Once you see what he does to people, it’s hard to let it go. ”
Lucy folded her arms tight as she walked, as if to hold herself in place. “What did Athena mean earlier, by the way? When she said that ‘you promised’?”
“Oh, nothing that complicated. I just promised not to do shit like this anymore.” She laughed darkly.
“I’m such a hypocrite, right? Telling you not to worry her when historically, I’m the biggest offender.
I tried to become more patient when I met her.
I used to tell her all the time that I didn’t know if I could.
That I failed the marshmallow test as a kid, twice.
And then she would remind me that the marshmallow test was a sham and was not a predictor of adult success. ”
She chewed on her next words for a moment.
“She did teach me caution eventually. I know that it saved my life. When I got here, the only strategy I had was to stick my neck out and see if that’d get his attention.
If I hadn’t called her show that night, maybe he would have taken me one of those nights, instead of Sadie or Addison.
I never could have killed him on my own.
He relies on people being alone. All I was really doing was serving myself up. ”
Lucy watched her carefully as they made the turn into the quad. “But you don’t feel that way anymore.”
“Feel what way?” Mila said.
“Like being cautious will keep us alive,” Lucy said.
“Oh, I think it might keep me alive.” As they reached a bit of uneven path, Mila reached for Lucy’s hand to steady her. Lucy smiled to herself as she took it. Chivalry wasn’t dead after all. “I just don’t know if it’ll keep you alive.”
Lucy had the impulse to squeeze Mila’s hand before letting go. She ignored it. “Because we don’t know how long I can hold out?”
Mila didn’t answer that. Probably because she didn’t need to, not out loud.
They both knew that she was thinking of Jon.
Even if they could wait Vanya out until they all graduated, the fact was that Jon had died from the infection alone.
Which meant that there was something they didn’t understand about how it worked.
Mila was right. This was a race between Vanya and his bite as to which would kill her first. There was no third competitor.
So there wasn’t anything reassuring she could say in this particular moment. But at the very least, they could be miserable together. “It’s kinda humbling,” Lucy said dryly. “I’ve probably only lasted this long because I’m not his first priority.”
“Hah,” Mila said. “Don’t take it personally. I’m sure he wouldn’t remember who I am, or Jon. And I’m sure he barely noticed Natalie today. There’s only one person who’s ever had his interest.”
They were quiet for a while. It wasn’t until they were close to the dining halls that Mila turned back to her. “Hey, wait,” she said. “What did you mean earlier, when you said you couldn’t ‘hear’ Vanya?”
Ah, Lucy thought, shit. In all the chaos, she still hadn’t said anything. “If I tell you,” she said, “will you promise not to react until I’m done explaining?”
With a now-familiar sharpness, Mila gestured for them to step aside to a nearby bench. Apparently they weren’t eating until this conversation was done. “That will depend on what you’re asking me not to react to.”
Lucy winced. Fair enough. “Laurentius of Rome was in my head last night.”
“Okay,” Mila said. “I’m reacting.”
“I didn’t mean to go behind anyone’s back,” Lucy said.
“I thought it was a dream at first, and by the time I realized it wasn’t, he said what he was doing would help, and I figured I should probably hear him out.
He was trying to teach me how to recognize when Vanya’s entering my thoughts.
I haven’t had a chance to test it out yet, but back at Lower Alton, I think I heard the moment Sadie took control of Natalie. ”
Mila’s brow furrowed. She looked angry, but Lucy didn’t hear anger in her heartbeat. “What does it sound like?”
Lucy let out some of the breath she’d been reserving for a fight. “The sound of a hand on a doorknob,” she said. “You know how sometimes you can hear right before someone turns it? That click-click as they take it in their hand.”
“And what do you do, when you hear that?” Mila said.
“Well. Lock it,” Lucy said. “Or imagine myself locking it, anyway.”
Now Mila looked far more exhausted than angry. But her voice was still calm when she spoke. “All right,” she said. “How about you let me be the one to explain to Athena how this happened? We don’t want her thinking that the library vampires have corrupted you behind her back.”
“Probably wise,” Lucy said. Though now that she was thinking about it, she had an idea.
“And while you’re doing that—can you ask her if the two of us can go see them tomorrow?
” At Mila’s arched eyebrows, she quickly added, “Those were the terms of the agreement, right? If I go, you go to keep an eye on me.”
“Just what I want to bring to the boss after a day like this,” Mila said dryly. “The terms of an agreement.”
“I know she’s not going to want to take more risks after today,” Lucy said. “But you said it yourself: We need to take at least a few. And when it comes to risks, I think this is one of the smaller ones. I think she’d hear that. At least, she’d hear it from you.”
Mila rubbed both hands over her face. Hard enough that it seemed, for a moment, like she was trying to erase herself directly from the conversation.
But when she dropped her hands, she looked resigned. “I know I said I’d do the talking,” she said. “But I think you should throw in a bit of groveling when you see her tomorrow, too. For diplomacy’s sake.”
Lucy laughed. “All right,” she said. “Deal.”
No one came to Lucy that night. Not Laurentius, not Vanya.
But it was not a restful night. Mila had gotten a call from her other boss, the building’s Resident Director, just as she finished securing Lucy to the headboard.
The call was to inform her that one of their Quincey Hall residents hadn’t been seen or heard from in a few days, and her parents were getting concerned.