17. Cleaving
Cleaving
T he weight of Lukas’s arm slung over my chest had become unbearable.
He’d fallen asleep an hour or so ago, but slumber still eluded me.
My eyes roamed ceaselessly over the wood ceiling, focusing on the grain, the pits, the minute cracks.
It was better than grappling with the raging torrent in my mind.
And the Shadow was dormant, trying to find her own rest. I was alone in my worries.
Slowly, I rolled to my side, Lukas’s arm sliding over my bare back and falling on the mattress. His breathing remained even, peaceful in his dreams.
It had been three days since my dinner with Freya Anja, yet I was still reeling from what she’d told me.
How could I even bring it up to him? It was a daunting prospect.
Imagining all the ways he might react had been downright petrifying.
The longer I’d thought about it, the more overwhelming it became.
My hesitation allowed the opportunity to pass by.
But laying there in the dark, unable to quiet my raging thoughts, I could no longer ignore it. I’d had enough time to chew over all the possibilities, and to dwell on the spiritual centers Freya Anja spoke of.
Lukas was tied to the Heart Core—the basis of all love and compassion.
He’d always made me feel so warm and important…
So cared for. But that warmth hadn’t been there tonight during our lovemaking.
The only thing I’d felt was the cold calculation of my mind, the Core of Divine Truth.
It covered me up in that truth, numbing me to all other feelings. When had I become so distant?
Lukas shifted beside me, rolling onto his back. My heartbeat thudded loudly in my ears as I turned to look at him. His sandy hair was a mess, sticking up at every angle. I’d been running my fingers through it not too long ago, mussing it up in an attempt at conveying passion.
But there hadn’t been any on my side, only a hollowness that had never been there before. Doubt, ugly and overwhelming, soured the encounter. For the first time ever, I’d been relieved when he was done, not even caring about my own satisfaction. There was none to speak of.
Hesitantly, I reached a hand out to Lukas’s face, stroking his cheek.
My thumb traced the spray of dark freckles across his nose.
He stirred, angling his face toward me and cracking open his eyes.
Those eyes the color of rich earth, that I’d once found such comfort in.
His hand came up to cup mine as he drew in a deep breath.
He smiled sleepily, running his hand up my arm. “What is it, love?” he asked, voice thick with drowsiness.
I couldn’t return his smile. Not this time.
“I need to talk to you about something,” I whispered, letting my hand fall.
The seriousness of my tone registered in the way he frowned. “What’s wrong?” He rubbed at his eyes to clear the sleep away. Angling his elbow beneath him, he pushed up to sit against the pillows.
I readjusted as well, drawing the sheet higher up my chest as I faced him. “I had supper with Freya Anja the other night.”
“Right,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. “How did it go?” His tone was light, but wariness brewed in his eyes.
“She gave me a lot to think about.” I drew in a deep breath, clutching the sheet tighter. “And I have.”
“You have?” he questioned, jerking his head in apparent surprise. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
My mouth trembled with my wavering resolve.
I’d always been able to tell him anything.
Ever since we were children, he’d been my confidant through thick and thin.
It hadn’t mattered that our parents arranged our marriage when I was only six years old.
It didn’t mean anything that our mothers were the two most powerful women in Volmere.
I’d grown to love him for his heart—his caring nature and willingness to always help.
But things changed.
It started before mother’s death, when his insistence that we set a date for the wedding became more frequent, more obtrusive.
But things really started to spiral with the argument the morning of her funeral.
He’d wanted me to concede a boundary, and I stood my ground.
Again, with the visit to the Temple, he’d pushed the limit, all in the name of caring about me.
Perhaps the nightmare was the manifestation of my own uneasiness—a subconscious realization of what was happening. That this was only the start.
A chasm had opened between us, one I didn’t know how to cross. Didn’t even know if I could. And now, learning the state of the thread between us, that chasm only widened.
“I didn’t say anything because of what she told me,” I answered, releasing a rush of air. “She saw the thread tying you to me, Lukas.”
His face fell, eyes widening in what I could only name as fear. “Vor?—”
“When you asked me about the wedding again the other day,” I cut in, surging forward, “I thought we agreed. I told you there were other things I had to do first. I thought you understood.”
“I do,” he said hastily, leaning toward me and raising a hand to my cheek. “We can wait as long as you need.” His dark eyes searched my face, the desperation apparent.
“But what Freya Anja said makes me believe that’s not true.
” My tone hardened against his fear, and I pulled away from his hand.
“So, please explain to me why, if I choose to pursue the assassin myself, I risk ruining our relationship. Why is the thread tying you to my Heart Core at risk of breaking?”
The Shadow stirred idly.
His mouth hung agape. “I can’t help but worry for you,” he explained. “Between the huathe and the dragon prince, there’s so much danger. I care only for your wellbeing, my love.”
“And you know I can take care of myself. Is it that you don’t trust me?”
He winced at the accusation. “No, not at all. It’s other people that I don’t trust.”
“Lukas,” I said firmly, “I cannot live my life in fear of the unknown. And I can’t rule with a partner who’s constantly pressuring me.
Ever since Mother died, that’s all you’ve done.
If you can’t fully support me as your queen, then…
” The words died on my lips. My shoulders sagged under the weight of them.
The Shadow’s full awareness bloomed, a gentle pressure against my consciousness.
His mouth clamped into a hard line. I watched his confusion transform into anger in the blink of an eye, a rare emotion from him. “Then what, Vor?” His voice had dropped to a pitch I’d never heard before. The air around us grew uncomfortably warm.
“Then I don’t know how we can stay together.”
There it was. The truth I’d been so desperately trying to deny. Every raw emotion and harbored thought had come to the surface, prompted by the nightmare and the truth about the connection between us. Now I’d spoken it aloud—given it life. I could never take it back.
The shock on his face was palpable. “You don’t mean that,” he whispered, sitting up further. “Vor, you can’t mean that. You’re not making any sense.”
“I know you have doubts, even if you don’t want to tell me.
Freya Anja saw your fear. I can’t blame you for any apprehension.
We’ve been betrothed since we were children.
Never given the chance to find out if we are truly suited for one another.
” I paused for a moment, looking over his face carefully.
“Be honest with yourself. If you hadn’t been forced to know me, would you even want to? ”
“How can you sit there and say that to me? After all we’ve been through. Of course I would want to know you! You’re… You’re?—”
“I’m what?” A cold shiver of dread worked its way down from the top of my head to the base of my spine. The heat radiating from him did nothing to dissipate it. “I’m the queen? Is that all you ever cared about?” A bead of sweat trickled down the side of my face.
All traces of shock disappeared from his face.
It was a fear I’d held in secret for years. That if I wasn’t the heir to the queendom, Lukas would have nothing to do with me. After all, before the transference of the Shadow, I wasn’t anything special. If I’d been born to a minor lord or a commoner, would he have ever given me the time of day?
Suddenly, he jerked forward off the pillows. “So that’s how it is,” he ground out through clenched teeth. “Perhaps you should take a look inward, Vor… Perhaps it’s not me that’s put the thread at risk.”
He flung the sheet off and rolled up to sit on the edge of the bed, collecting his discarded clothes from the floor. Wisps of steam rose from his shoulders, frightening proof of how close he was to losing control.
My own anger ignited and cut through the numbness like a knife. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Careful, the Shadow whispered.
He jumped up, hefting his trousers over his hips and tightening his belt with furious movements. “You know exactly what it means,” he seethed, picking up his shirt and tossing it over his shoulder. The pure derision in his voice almost knocked the wind out of me.
I jerked up on my knees and wrapped the sheet around me as he storm toward the door. “Indulge me, Lukas,” I barked, pushing a tangled mess of hair out of my face.
He stopped short, his fingers hovering just shy of the door handle. The muscles in his back tensed and rippled.
“I see the way he looks at you,” he said, deathly quiet.
My mouth popped open in surprise. “Who are you talking about?”
His head whipped around, dark eyes burning. Sparks ignited at his fingertips, glowing brightly in the shadows. A sneer spread across his face to mar his features.
“You think I’m stupid enough to believe you haven’t encouraged it? Have you been waiting for an excuse to push me aside? That’s the only explanation I can fathom for this… this insanity!”