Chapter 23 White Lies #2
Not only a strong, but a good man. Countless times, Desi had seen him donate his own food to the people of Nyfrel, even knowing that giving up his own provisions would make him starve.
She had always thought his self-sacrificing nature to be a weakness, but Ronin was a man of justice.
He couldn’t just stand by and watch people suffer; he was a patriot who loved Heldraine above all.
A man whose life’s purpose had been to fight for the realm with the sole ideal of making the lives of the people easier and better.
He had helped many people with his kindness. Desi only knew how often he did that for her. She stared at him, his dark eyes open in a gaze that would last forever as she knelt by his side on the grassy ground.
Desi would never know Ronin had wished he could stop time whenever they lay entangled and naked in her medical office bed. She remembered the way she strategically rested her head on his chest, hoping the sound of his heartbeat would help ease the guilt.
A heart that beat no more.
She would never know he thought about her constantly and counted the days until he could see her again.
Desi would never learn that she had been the only woman he had ever loved and how many times he had dreamed of building a life by her side.
To him, she was the love of a lifetime, even though it was never reciprocated.
If only nothing had stood in their way. If only things were different for them.
Death stole all the secrets he held deep inside, kept under lock and key. Death removed the inevitability of Desi discovering the true nature of his feelings for her. Maybe, if she had ever known the truth, things wouldn’t have ended this way.
Desi and Ronin’s relationship started two years earlier when she found an escape from her unbearable solitude and sorrow in his arms. Having him inside her allowed her, at least for a moment, to feel some sense of completeness.
Back in those days, Desi felt the shame and the nagging sense of remorse that came with being unfaithful to the man she loved.
And yet, she kept watching herself unavoidably crawl back into bed with Ronin time and again because in her mind, this was the only way she could see herself surviving her pathetic new life.
To Desi, their relationship was strictly sexual.
Ronin had been a friend, but more than that, he had been a tool.
One she took advantage of in order to rebuild herself in the warmth of his touch and the grace of his care.
She had always been the one to care for others; would it be such a terrible sin to be taken care of for once?
Desi had used his generosity and benevolence as a fuel to feed her dying soul with some compassion. Now that he was gone, she wondered if any of that still lived inside her.
“I’m sorry, Desi,” Freyah murmured by her side, her hand comfortably lying on Desi’s shoulder. “He seemed to be a good man.”
“He was.” Desi’s hands trembled with the shock of his passing.
“What do you think happened to him?” Alissa asked in sorrow, her hands on her waist.
“I don’t know, but he wasn’t feeling well yesterday. He was probably already sick when he joined us.”
Eldric contemplated the symptoms, trying to retrieve from his memory any illnesses that could explain what happened to Ronin, but nothing came to mind. He ignored that thought and spoke for the first time since the man fell dead.
“We should bury him. Desi, do you know if he had any family we could anonymously inform of his death when we’re in the capital?”
“I don’t.” She realized then how little she knew about the man she had shared a bed with.
“In that case, we must send an anonymous letter to the palace. As a Royal Guard, they should inform his family members of his passing.”
Later that night, when Ronin’s body was buried under the dirt of the soil he lived to protect, a heavy silence fell between them, mourning a man they barely knew. Alissa recited a prayer in hopes of peacefully guiding the man into the next life.
The sadness that had already been a companion of this poor group of people had increased following Ronin’s death.
Although Alissa knew nothing about him, his sudden passing shook her in ways she couldn’t fathom.
She had entered a state of deep contemplation since it happened, and it was simply too hard to pull herself out of it.
It wasn’t because she cared about him. It might have been related to how his death was a vivid reminder of the fragility of life, a life that left his body in a whisper, with no explanation, no warning. Just gone.
It might have been because her daughter was destined to have the same fate in the near future, or because she relived the guilt for the men she had killed to save Freyah’s life.
“Do you think the crimes that we commit for the sake of our children are forgiven when we cease to exist in this world?” Alissa asked Eldric as they lay on the sleeping mats staring at the stars above hours after Ronin’s passing.
Eldric turned his head to meet her gaze, surprised by the depth of her thoughts. “Ronin was not your fault, Alissa.”
“I know. I’m not talking about him.” She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.
He studied her for a moment, trying to grasp her meaning, until realization dawned. “The men in the wheat field…”
She nodded.
“They attacked you. You had no other choice,” he said, rolling onto his side to face her more clearly. She looked as anguished as ever, and while he wanted to ease her tension, he knew it came from something beyond his reach. “Besides, if you hadn’t killed them, I would have.”
“Still, do you think there’s forgiveness beyond this life for what we did?”
Their eyes finally met through the darkness.
“Do you forgive yourself?” he asked.
Alissa didn’t have an answer to that question.
She had felt remorse immediately after taking their lives, and their faces sometimes haunted her nightmares.
She hadn’t been plagued by guilt since then because she had mostly avoided thinking about them.
However, with Ronin’s sudden death, brought on by whatever illness claimed him, her perspective changed.
His passing made her confront the idea that she was responsible for two bodies decomposing beneath Heldraine’s soil.
Alissa’s silence spoke for her. She asked him something else instead.
“What if I have to take more lives at the end of this?” She took a deep breath. “I know I would do anything for Dhalia. I just don’t know if I’m ready to kill again.”
“If it comes to that, I will take them for you so you don’t have to bear the burden of killing anyone else.”
Eldric had said that so casually and with such conviction that Alissa had the impression he couldn’t ever comprehend the impact his words had on her. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had said to her.
“And who takes the burden from you, Van Myr?”
“I’d rather carry it all on my shoulders than watch you carry it on yours,” he whispered.
The truth of his words warmed her heart with a newfound emotion. She chewed on her bottom lip, and his gaze instinctively followed. Her cheeks flushed, her breath caught in her throat as she met his eyes.
“You are a great mother, you know?” he said, breaking the moment.
Alissa was instantly brought back to the times she had left Dhalia alone at the cabin to hunt, the countless times she had denied the girl attention, too overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a single mother.
The times when she had been curt to the child because exhaustion wiped away any ounce of patience she had left.
Alissa acknowledged she hadn’t been the best mother she could have been, and maybe, when her daughter was gone, she would pay the price for it.
“I don’t think I am.”
“I don’t need to have seen you as a mother to know that you are.” His hand traveled to her cheek, his thumb gently rubbing her skin. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have come all this way for her.”
It felt immensely comforting to hear the words she had so desperately needed. “Do you think she’ll remember me?” Her voice wavered with emotion.
“Of course she will.”
“It’s been over two months now, Van Myr. We still haven’t reached the capital. I’m worried I won’t be back in time, and all this will have been in vain.” Her eyes swam with tears at the thought.
Alissa usually hid her true feelings from others, but Eldric could see the truth behind her shell. He could see the chaos of emotions that flooded her heart and how much she hurt every single day.
He wiped a tear sliding down her cheek. “Don’t you ever think any of this is in vain. If it gives you at least the slightest of chances of saving your daughter, it will always have been worth it.”
She held his statement in her heart so that she wouldn’t question herself and her choices again.
“It’s so hard to keep my hopes up when everything seems so impossible,” Alissa said, her tears falling more heavily as she moved closer to him. Resting her head on his shoulder the same way he had held her in Nyfrel, she added, “I miss her so much, sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe.”
“Then share this burden with me, Alissa. You are not alone anymore. Trust me, I can handle the pain.” He held her chin between his fingers, forcing her to look at him.
“I told you once, and I will say it again—I will do anything in my power to help you save your daughter.” His voice was so deep, his determination was undeniable.
“Why do you care so much, Van Myr?”
“Because I care about you,” he answered with a smile. Their eyes locked, and the tightness in his chest caught Eldric completely off guard. He sighed, kissing the top of her head and drawing her closer. “By the way, I thought we were beyond using last names with each other, Alissa.”
“We are, Eldric.” She gave a half-smile between the tears. “We sure are.”