9. Abby
ABBY
The dream started like reality had, with Benjamin kissing me at the bedroom door.
But the kiss was way more intense. His tongue stroked over mine hungrily as he cupped my face with both hands.
He turned me and backed me toward the bedroom door, but when I expected the solid wood behind me, he pushed the door open and backed me through it.
He walked me to the bed, stripped off my clothes, kissed my entire body, and then—Hallelujah—took his clothes off.
I’d been on my back with his face between my legs, climbing toward orgasm when he looked up at me and suddenly it wasn’t Benjamin. It was Kane, grinning up at me, smugly, rakishly, watching my face as he took me the rest of the way through an intense orgasm.
Then he climbed up by my body and thrust inside me, fucking me that way for several minutes until I was close again, at which point he flipped me over onto my stomach and pulled me onto my hands and knees.
But when I looked over my shoulder at him, it was Dash pounding into me from behind. Sweet, quiet Dash. Huge Dash.
I shiver, fully awake now, lying on my back on the most amazing mattress I’ve ever laid on in my life, in the nicest room I’ve ever slept in, after the best sleep of my life.
Even with the dream.
Maybe because of the dream.
Remembering it, my nipples are hard, my clit is aching, and I know that it wouldn’t take much to give myself an orgasm right here and now.
And maybe that’s a good idea. Before I go downstairs and face all of the men that I very clearly want.
You can’t have them all. You have to stop these fantasies. You’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
I pause with my hand at the waistband of my panties.
What am I doing?
I’m attracted to all of them because I am a single, not-dead woman who likes men. Being attracted to them is completely logical.
But I can’t do anything about it and even letting my fantasies go there seems like a bad idea.
I would date any one of them, of course. If I’d just met one of them. Or if I wasn’t drawn to the other two as well.
But I can’t date all three of them. That’s just crazy. It’s not right.
I’m not the type of girl to juggle three men.
Even if I was, I’d eventually have to choose and there would be no way with Kane, Dash, and Benjamin.
They’re all different, all appeal to me for different reasons, and yet, when we’re all together it’s like they are three pieces of a puzzle that snap into place to make everything perfect.
How could I eventually decide to be with just one of them?
Wouldn’t it always feel like something was missing? Or two somethings?
And then there’s the fact that the other two would always be there.
These guys are friends, brothers. They are very much a part of each other’s lives. It’s one of the things I like best about them. I can’t imagine one of them having a girlfriend who doesn’t spend time with the other two.
How awkward would that be? Go from dating two of them—I guess one-on-one dates with them one at a time—to only seeing one of them but then spending time with the other two here at the house? At dinner? At hockey games?
There’s no way that would work.
And if whoever ended up as my boyfriend decided to stop seeing the other two when I was around, I would hate it. It would feel wrong.
And my boyfriend would be miserable. He would be without two of the most important people in his life.
Because of me.
I will not do that.
My phone dings, and I roll towards the bedside table.
This place is better than even a fancy hotel. The nightstand has a built-in charger along with a white noise machine and a bottle of water at the ready.
I had giggled, surprised they didn’t have the corner of the duvet turned back and a chocolate on my pillow.
I grab my phone and read the text from my best friend.
Sadie: Hey, how are you?? How was the night with the hockey players? She adds an eggplant emoji.
I roll my eyes. I’m great. They’re…
I hesitate over how to describe them without sounding like I’ve got a huge crush. On three men.
Because, I have a huge crush on three men.
Me: sweet. And very kind.
Sadie: And hot. And sexy.
I take it she’s looked up who Dash and Kane are.
Me: lol! Okay, yes, they’re also very good-looking.
Sadie: Understatement! So… where did you sleep???
Me: Guest room. They were total gentlemen.
Even Benjamin after he kissed me.
I sigh.
That kiss…
I’m pretty sure I would have had dirty dreams even without that kiss but that definitely got me worked up.
I need to know what Sadie thinks. She’s much more adventurous than I am.
Where my cancer journey and all that came with it made me cautious, hers made her daring and bold.
She wants to live life to the fullest, experience everything she can, and never take any experience for granted.
As we both know, you really never know what tomorrow could bring.
Me: Benjamin kissed me.
Sadie: !!!!!Yes!!! Omg, I love that for you!
Sadie: Which one is that?
Me: lol! The lawyer. Older brother.
Sadie: *sweating emoji* *sweating emoji* *sweating emoji* I’m so fucking jealous. And so fucking happy for you. I thought you’d go for a hockey player but good for you!
I want to tell her that I want Kane and Dash too.
I want to tell her I want to date all of them and have her tell me I should go for it.
Sadie and I are protective of one another, but she won’t tell me not to do it. She’ll tell me to go for it. She’ll tell me that even if it doesn’t work out, the experience will be worth it.
But will Sadie understand if I tell her that I feel connected to these three men somehow? That I feel like it’s already more than physical? That I feel protective of their hearts and their relationship and their futures?
If she told me that about three men she just met, I would be concerned. I would worry the men had somehow brainwashed her. Or drugged her.
Sadie: Where are you right now? Want to get breakfast and tell me everything?
Me: I’m actually still at their place. I’m going to have breakfast here.
Somehow, I just know there is a full spread breakfast waiting for me downstairs.
I look over at the white noise machine with a smile.
No way the guys would have that, along with the nightlight in the corner and the extra fleece blanket draped over the chair in the corner and not be planning to feed me this morning.
I somehow know all of those thoughtful, comforting touches are from Dash.
But I’m guessing breakfast will be Benjamin’s doing.
He’s the provider. They already told me that he keeps a well-stocked fridge and pantry for Dash and Kane, so I know he’ll want to be sure I’m well fed.
I also won’t be a bit surprised to find he’s an excellent cook. He just exudes competence.
And I can’t wait to see Kane. He’ll be like a sweet puppy who is excited to see me and ready to play.
I know he’ll make me laugh within the first minute of me going downstairs.
Having someone enamored with me is just so nice.
I often fade into the background. Kane actually lights up whenever our eyes meet.
It’s…addictive.
Last night was so amazing. Cuddling on the couch and watching movies, I had expected one or maybe both Dash and Kane to make some kind of move. I’d been prepared.
To let them.
I feel a flush crawl up my body.
I didn’t know how it would play out, exactly, but if either of them had kissed me, or even gotten handsy underneath the blanket, I would have let them.
And if the other two would have known about it, and let it happen…or watched…
I sit up in bed, not wanting to get all worked up again.
I am not going to masturbate in this bed with them all downstairs, and I have to shut these fantasies down.
The guys had been amazing. Comforting and affectionate, not at all inappropriate, and exactly what I needed.
I have to stop making it into something it’s not.
They didn’t give me space, but when they were close, choosing to be right next to me on the couch, it had felt…familiar. They hadn’t pushed for anything. Their touches hadn’t gone anywhere sexual, but they also hadn’t left me alone. It had felt as if they just wanted to be near me.
Even Benjamin, who chose a chair rather than being on the couch with us, had been a steady, reassuring presence. I had felt his eyes on me all night and somehow knew if I had needed anything at all, from a glass of water to a new car, he would have jumped up and provided it.
Their focused, steady caretaking is filling me up in a way I didn’t realize I needed.
I’ve been trying so hard to be independent and take care of myself and do everything on my own that I didn’t realize how long it had been since I was just held by someone.
Sadie: ooh good for you! ENJOY!! And prepare to tell me everything later! I love that you’re dating a lawyer! She adds a money emoji and the nail painting emoji.
Right. Benjamin kissed me. I suppose that’s a fair assumption.
But my first thought is that Kane would be really offended if someone just assumed Benjamin was my boyfriend.
But he wouldn’t be angry.
It’s an interesting realization and I think about that for a second.
No, he wouldn’t be angry. He’d consider it a challenge. He’d want to try to out-boyfriend Benjamin.
And wow, that could be fun.
Dash will also be jealous. But not mad at Benjamin. Not exactly.
Dash might be just a little disappointed he wasn’t there to see it.
I sit straight up. Where are all these thoughts coming from?
Is this all just wishful thinking? I don’t actually know any of them well enough to know any of this.
Do I?
Like does Dash like to watch? He does have that quiet, insightful air. I guess it wouldn’t surprise me.
Have they shared women before? Maybe that’s a regular thing.
They are really close. Like finish-each-other’s-thoughts close. And they’ve known each other for a long time. And they really are like three different parts to the perfect puzzle.
Maybe they do this all the time.
But Benjamin said they are not even usually this protective of women. He made it sound like I am a special case and that maybe that has taken them by surprise as well.
I really want that to be true.
I want this to be special.
And I want them all.
And…I can’t.
My phone dings with another text.
Sadie: Btw, when can I see you? When I found out your ceiling caved in, I freaked out. I need to see you’re okay for myself! How about this weekend?
She’s dramatic, but I love her. I read the message three times, not because I don’t register it, but because it hits me how important Sadie is to me.
What we went through together was big, something most people don’t share. Being sick together and facing death at such a young age has a way of bonding two people.
I need her. She’s someone I want with me forever.
Like Dash, Kane, and Benjamin are to each other.
I know all too well that life can be unpredictable and difficult. We all need people who support us, stand beside us, and love us. No matter how independent we want to be. Sadie reminds me of that all the time.
Kane, Dash, and Benjamin have awakened a vulnerable part of me, I’ll admit. I didn’t realize that I wanted more comfort and support in my life. That I was touch starved and that having people insist on taking care of me would feel so good.
But if I need more people in my life, I should go out and find them elsewhere.
After all, my sister had to go out and find her own support system and she’s happy now. Without us, yes, but she found her people. It can be done. But I am not going to be responsible for breaking up this clearly strong trio of men who have already found their tribe.
Me: Can’t this weekend. Going to stay with my parents since I’m homeless.*crying emoji* I’ll text you!
Sadie: Ugh, that’s such a long drive. Can’t you stay with your lawyer?
Absolutely not.
I want to.
Too much.
But absolutely not.
And he’s not my lawyer. He’s Kane and Dash’s.
Me: No, that’s too much. You know how I feel about serious relationships.
She knows I hesitate to get close to people because I don’t want to put people through the horrors of a serious illness and potential loss.
She’s different. She gets it on a much different level.
She also thinks I’m ridiculous. And begs me to talk to a therapist.
I understand her concerns, but it’s a real fear. My cancer could come back. Something else could happen. After all, I wasn’t supposed to get cancer as a kid, either.
The cancer wrecked my entire family. I can’t do that to anyone else. I can’t watch people I love suffer because of me again.
Sadie: Sweetie, you have to stop doing this to yourself.
Me: I can’t talk about this right now.
Sadie: *heart emoji* I know. But I want you to be happy.
I know she does. But I truly believe I can be happy without being in love.
I have to believe that.
Me: Need to get ready. Big work meeting today.
Sadie: Okay. But this isn’t over. I love you.
I sent her a kissy face emoji, but this is over.
It has to be.
I’m going to have to be content with only my dreams of these men.