16. Abby
ABBY
“You know how every time I doubt why something good is happening, my mother says to me ‘you deserve everything because you had childhood cancer?’” Sadie asks me, my phone in her hand watching the video I took of my new apartment.
The new apartment Benjamin is paying for. I made the mistake of looking the building up online and he’s not just helping out with the rent. What I can pay is a token gesture toward the unit.
“Yes, I remember that because it always made me wildly uncomfortable each and every time she said it.”
“I know, because you have fucked up feelings about worth and guilt and ever just accepting that you don’t owe your parents or your sister anything. Cancer happened to you, you didn’t go out and get it.”
We’ve talked extensively about our different reactions to our shared experience and how different our families are, but this is not something I want to talk about right now.
We’re at the Willow Bay Arena, waiting for the Mutts game to begin.
Sadie has a beer the size of her head in her left hand, my phone in her right.
“What does that have to do with what your mother said?”
“You deserve this apartment,” she says, finally looking up from the screen as we sit at the ice arena waiting for the Mutts game to begin.
“Something good is happening. Not because you had childhood cancer. But because you’re you.
And if you don’t believe that, then just believe that you’re allowed to have good things happen to you, Abby.
I promise. It doesn’t come with a price you have to pay. ”
Now I’m squirming a little on the hard plastic seat. Sadie thinks I inadvertently punish myself for taking up so much attention and time and money as a kid.
She’s not wrong.
I think about Dash, coaxing me to really look at myself in the mirror. To ask for what I wanted. It’s not often I allow myself to do that.
If Sadie only knew that the minute Kane made the assumption I would be living with the three of them, I instantly pulled away, she would chastise me.
“I do believe that I’m allowed to have good things,” I say. “I moved into the apartment, didn’t I?” I add, lightly. “It’s way above my paid grade. Benjamin is supplementing the rent.”
“Lawyer Boy is a solid boyfriend,” Sadie says. She uses her finger to move the bar back to the beginning. “Does he have a co-worker you’d like to throw my way?”
She doesn’t look particularly worried about it.
She takes a huge slurping sip from her beer and sets it down in the cupholder on the back of the seat in front of her.
Sadie is a brunette with a wolf haircut that suits her loose curls.
She is one of those who had straight hair until chemo then it came back curly.
She rocks it well, along with the silver horseshoe septum piercing.
Sadie is a cool girl. I’ve never been envious of that though. I’m fruity and pink. It’s just who I am and I embrace it. Why wear black when you can wrap yourself in pink?
“If I thought you were serious I would ask him, but I know you. You don’t want a boyfriend right now.”
Sadie shrugs. “Never say never.” Then she hands me my phone back. “I’m not just here for moral support as you ogle your many men. I might be on a fishing expedition myself.”
She slaps my knee. “Oooh, here they come.”
She means the players. They are stepping out onto the ice, one by one, skating in a circle around the edge of the rink. I strain to catch a glimpse of Kane and Dash, but I realize immediately they’re not out there.
“Wrong team,” I tell her. “This is Grand Rapids, not Willow Bay.”
“Wrong team to you,” she corrects, lifting binoculars to her eyes. “I’m an equal opportunity fan girl.”
I glance around at the seats surrounding us to see if anyone else has binoculars. “Where did you get binoculars?” I ask, a little embarrassed, though I’m not sure why. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a closer look.
“My dad got them for me to look for UFOs. But they’ve honestly come in handy when the guy who lives in the building across the street from me walks his dog every morning in gray sweatpants.”
That makes me snort. “That seems a little intrusive.”
“If he didn’t want women to look he’d wear underwear.” She makes a swinging gesture with her forearm. “Trust me, he’s proud of himself. It’s a nice wake up routine for me. Snaps me out of sleep every A.M.”
I give her an affectionate smile. “Some people just drink coffee.”
“Boring.”
We have great seats, compliments of Kane.
He was very excited to hear that I decided not to go to my parents’ for the weekend now that I have a shiny new apartment. He was almost shy when he offered me two tickets to the Mutts game, though he did give me a deep kiss when I said I would love the tickets.
He also gave me a jersey with his number on it to wear. Dash didn’t so much as blink in protest so I got the impression they discussed it between the two of them.
Kane and I are both well aware of the fact that I’ve had sex with Dash and Benjamin, but he and I have not.
I don’t think he’s upset in that he’s jealous. I just think he’s eager to be with me too.
Just thinking about it makes me warm in spite of the cool arena.
Especially when the Mutts appear and Kane is the first on the ice.
“Girl…” Sadie nudges me. “Your face is being so loud right now.”
I can’t even deny it or contain my grin. “Kane is just so much fun to be around. He’s like that golden retriever who is always happy to see you. I can’t help but smile when he’s around.”
“He’s the one you haven’t had sex with yet, right?”
I glance around again. “Shh!”
Sadie looks unconcerned but she does lower her voice. “You do know you can do this, right? It’s your life. You’re entitled to do any and everything that makes you happy. These men make you happy, Abby. Just dive in and see what happens.”
I nod, but I can already feel myself retracting.
I don’t mean to.
And they were all incredible when I explained to them about my cancer and why I avoid serious relationships. They were understanding, yes, but I know they won’t settle for me trying to keep it casual for too long.
Eventually, they’ll want more.
They already do.
I do too, but I’m scared.
“I’m afraid if I just dive in I’ll misjudge and hit my head on the bottom. Figuratively.” My gaze is tracking Kane across the ice as he laps the arena again.
He spots me and raises his stick in greeting. I give him a little finger wave, both giddy as hell and absurdly self-conscious.
Sadie sighs. “It’s your journey, babes. Just remember, it’s not every day three incredible men want to date you at the same time and are totally cool with sharing you.”
Dash steps onto the ice, laden under his goaltender gear.
But I can still sense the moment he finds me in the stands.
It’s like…home. That’s how Dash makes me feel. Safe and understood.
I wave to him. He nods in acknowledgment.
“Abby.”
A low voice speaks my name. I jerk my head and see Benjamin is standing in the aisle, his employee badge hanging around his neck on a lanyard. He’s wearing black jeans and a Mutts polo shirt.
“Hi,” I say, and I can hear the breathlessness in my voice. My nipples instantly bead.
“Great seats. Kane wanted the best for you.”
Yes, he’s talking about Kane.
But there is an electrical current running between me and Benjamin that makes me sit up a little straighter. “Yes, he did. Um, this is my best friend, Sadie.” I gesture to her, suddenly flustered.
Benjamin looks at Sadie. He leans over me to offer his hand to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sadie. Any friend of Abby’s is a friend of mine.”
“Same,” Sadie says, shaking his hand. Then she picks up her beer and takes another enormous sip.
I’m struggling to breathe. It feels like Benjamin has taken up residence in my personal space and I have to close my eyes briefly. Somehow that’s almost worse. Now I can smell his unique scent, and I’m fighting the urge to yank his shirt up and run my tongue along his abs.
“Are you two hanging out after the game? Maybe we can all grab a drink.”
That has my eyes snapping open. “We can’t—
“We’d love to,” Sadie says. “I took a car service.”
“We can give you a ride home,” he tells her.
I glare at my best friend. We were supposed to hang out and watch movies after the game. I’ve been on sensory overload for the last few days. I was looking forward to just relaxing in her apartment.
“Great. I know a little pub around the corner.” Benjamin eases back a little.
I let out the breath I’ve been holding.
Until he flicks his finger over the shoulder of the jersey I’m wearing. “You look good with Kane’s number on your tits. You’d look even better wearing just this and no panties. Maybe you should do that for him.”
My mouth goes completely dry. I try to speak but nothing comes out but a strangled gasp.
“Beer?” Sadie asks, holding up her enormous cup for me.
I nod desperately.
“See you ladies after the game,” Benjamin says, and he retreats up the aisle with a brief wave.
I take a gulp of beer.
“Sadie…”
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. My mind is just playing over and over a vision of what Kane’s face would look like if he saw me in just this jersey.
“Let’s go to the pub,” Sadie says. “Then when you’re ready to accept your fate and get railed by number nine, I will leave you to it.”
Suddenly it feels like the last thing in the world I want is space.
No.
I want Kane.
And then I want all three of them at the same time.
I take another sip of beer to cool myself down.
It doesn’t work.