20. Abby
ABBY
“Was it three dicks all at once or did they run a train on you?”
I choke on my wine and eyeball Sadie as I cough and thump my chest. “Sadie!” I manage to say to her.
“What? I want to know. I need to know. I’m in a dry spell and I’m dying of curiosity.”
“I don’t know if Magda wants to hear this,” I tell her as the three of us stand around my fancy breakfast bar in my luxury apartment for a girls’ night hangout.
After Friday night, when my plans with Sadie shifted into hanging out with the guys and Sadie at the pub and then going home and spending the night with Kane, I’d meant to return to my apartment Saturday.
But then there was the fall festival which had hyped me up for s’mores around the firepit and then we were all on the couch and… it had been incredible.
It felt like I’d been sleeping through life before and my guys had snapped me awake. Which had freaked me out, just a teeny tiny bit.
This afternoon Benjamin brought me home and I’d invited Sadie and Magda over for wine and charcuterie and a movie. I needed to decompress, unpack all the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing.
But now Sadie was pressing me for details, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give them, especially in front of Magda.
Mostly, though, because it was…special. Intimate.
A memory I wanted to hug close to my chest for the rest of my life as a night I’d felt cherished and protected and cared for, both sexually and emotionally.
I didn’t know how to tell Sadie any of that though.
“Oh, honey, don’t mind me,” Magda says, waving her hand in the air. “I was at an orgy every other weekend back in the seventies.”
It’s Sadie’s turn to choke on her Pinot Grigio. “Oh my god. Really?”
I’m not surprised, to be honest. Magda has lived a colorful life. I’m more surprised this is the first time I’m hearing about it.
Magda shrugs and lifts her Long Island iced tea to her lips. “Oil and gas prices were through the roof in those days so road trips to Milwaukee or Chicago were out of the question. We just all stayed in the neighborhood and banged each other.”
In spite of the fact that I had sex with three different guys last night, I’m still a little speechless.
I can’t imagine just partner swapping or having group sex every weekend with casual acquaintances.
Because what I am doing with Kane and Benjamin and Dash isn’t just sex. It’s friendship and feelings and while that feels really, really amazing, it’s also very scary.
“Cheers to that,” Sadie says, raising her wine glass and tapping it against Magda’s. “Gotta stay warm during a freezing Wisconsin winter.”
Magda clinks her glass against Sadie’s. “Cheers. But leave poor Abby alone. She’ll tell us if she wants to.”
I pick a cashew off of the platter I’ve made and pop it into my mouth, gathering my thoughts.
“Boo,” says Sadie. “But fine, only tell us what you want too,” she adds. Begrudgingly.
She looks so disappointed I laugh. “It wasn’t all three at once. It was…one after the other, but in the same room. And that’s all I’m saying!”
Sadie nods. “Thank you for sharing and I respect your right to privacy. Though can you at least tell us who has the biggest dick?”
Magda cackles. “I think we can guess at that.” She stabs an olive with a toothpick and points it at Sadie. “Say who you think on three.”
“You too,” Sadie says. “One, two, three.”
“Dash,” they both say at the same time, then let out peels of laughter.
It’s true, of course, though I’m not going to discuss my boyfr—my Dash’s—dick with them. It just doesn’t feel right.
When I don’t laugh with them, Sadie’s face falls. Magda gives me a look of concern.
“Honey, we’re just teasing,” she says. “We can change the subject.”
I have zero explanation for it, but there are suddenly tears in my eyes. I nod, blinking hard so I don’t actually cry.
“Abs, babes, I’m so sorry.” Sadie puts her glass down. “I don’t know when to shut up sometimes. I won’t ask any more questions.”
Shaking my head I press under each eye with a cocktail napkin. I think I’ve stopped the tears before they started. I look around the unfamiliar but beautiful apartment that is a gift from Benjamin.
“A week ago I didn’t even know them.”
Magda nods. “You’re overwhelmed. That’s normal, sweetheart. Love comes rushing at you sometimes.”
Love.
The word scares the absolute shit out of me.
Sadie knows that. She tucks her hair behind her ears and eyes me. “You want this to be a real relationship and you’re scared, right?”
Wrapping my arms across my chest, I nod. I’m wearing Kane’s hoodie. It’s swallowing me, but I can smell his scent on it. He had me slip it on first thing this morning when we took Linda for a walk, and I just never took it off.
“What if they fall in love with me and I get sick again?”
“What if they get sick?” Sadie counters. “Would that mean you would be sorry you got together with them?”
“No, of course not.” I sigh. “But I don’t know. It would be terrible to lose them. Maybe I wouldn’t survive it.”
“You can survive anything. Look what you already have survived.” Sadie’s expression is fierce. “You can’t just shut yourself off from real, meaningful relationships because you’re worried you’ll lose someone, or they’ll lose you.”
“Honey, we all lose people,” Magda says, fingering the bedazzled peace sign necklace she wears every day. “It’s just a part of life. And if it didn’t hurt to lose people that would mean you were a goddamn sociopath.”
That almost makes me chuckle.
“I’ve lost my parents, obviously,” she continues.
“Since I’m old as hell. I lost Mick, my first husband.
He died of a brain tumor at twenty-five.
Shit luck that was. I loved that man and it was horrible, but I don’t regret a day I spent with him, even the really hard ones when he couldn’t even talk anymore. ”
I suck in a breath. “Magda, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“Thank you. It was terrible.”
Sadie reaches out and squeezes Magda’s hand.
“The thing is that life is meant for living. Instead of worrying about the end, whether it’s sickness or death or a breakup or divorce, just enjoy what you have today. Take it from a golden girl. Just take a deep breath and allow yourself some happiness with these guys who clearly adore you.”
She’s right. “You’re right. I just don’t want to ruin their friendship or hurt them in any way.”
“They’re grown men. Let them decide what they feel, hon.”
“Amen to that. I fail to see the problem, honestly,” Sadie says, clearly trying to lighten the mood. “Three hotties all ready to do anything for you…overwhelming? Sure. Awesome and enviable? Absolutely.”
I smile and it’s genuine. Relief courses through me.
My guys readily agreed for me to have space tonight. To come to this apartment Benjamin has rented for me, across the hall from the apartment he’s rented for Magda. They support me spending time with my friends and support my passion I have for working at a nonprofit.
They know their own minds and what they want and to my delight what they want is me.
“Just enjoy today,” I say, raising my own glass up. “Cheers to that.”
“Cheers.”
“Cheers.”
We all tap glasses and Magda chugs her Long Island iced tea like it’s ‘88 and she’s pregaming before a Bon Jovi concert.
She’s actually wearing a Bon Jovi T-shirt with leopard print leggings, and I have the perfect image of what she looked like in the eighties.
I probably would have been afraid to be friends with her if we were the same age.
That’s something I need to unpack. Process. It’s time to put fear behind me.
I can’t change the fact that my sister doesn’t want a relationship with me.
But I shouldn’t punish everyone else who does because of it.
“Magda, what were the eighties like?” I ask, grabbing the charcuterie board and heading toward the sofa.
Time to get comfy. I set the board on the coffee table and sit on the sofa. Sadie jumps into a cushy club chair. Magda joins me on the sofa.
“That’s a random question,” she says.
I gesture to her shirt. “Big hair fascinates me.”
“You know what big things fascinate me?” Sadie quips.
This time I do laugh. “I know you’re not talking about any of my boyfriends. Girl code and all that.”
Sadie sits up straight. “Oooh, you said boyfriends! I knew it!” She kicks her legs out. “Yes, yes, yes!”
I take a sip of my wine to hide the fact that I’m grinning ear-to-ear. “It sounds good, doesn’t it?”
“Hell yes, it does,” is Magda’s opinion.
I’m still scared.
But I know if there is one place I want to be when I am scared, it’s in the arms of Kane, Dash, and Benjamin.