Chapter 14 #3
I shake my head, exasperated. Brian’s clearly lying about the duffle bag. And even if he’s telling the truth, didn’t anyone think it was odd that Jen would just waltz into the bathroom mid-party with a giant duffle bag containing a change of clothes?
“I don’t recall seeing Jen enter my home with a duffle bag,” I say.
“You never notice Jen,” Brian says, “until she does something that could embarrass you.”
I open my mouth to retort, then consider his point.
Brian does have a point. Maybe that’s why Jen is always acting out. Is she making big dumb gestures to get our family’s attention? Suppose she’s the culprit and taking a dump under my Christmas tree (or in my basement) is a cry for help?
Or…
Brian is planting a red herring to mislead us from the true culprit: himself. But is Brian devious enough for subterfuge? I stare into his beady eyes and find myself staring into nothing.
No. It’s not possible. Brian is dumber than a bag of bricks. I should know. I dated him for his looks (Hey, have some grace for me. I was twenty-two and shallow).
Elliot turns to me. “What are you thinking about?” he whispers in my ear.
“What happens when you choose looks over books,” I whisper back. “You?”
“I’m interested in the bathroom window that leads to the backyard.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
Elliot pulls back, studying me. “I thought you were thinking about your poor relationship choices.”
“And my sister’s poorer choices in men,” I say.
“Which, when you think about it,” Elliot taps his chin, “was the same choice as you dated the same man.”
We both turn to Brian, standing before us with his mouth slightly open. What a prize.
“What are you thinking about, Brian?” I ask a little too loudly.
Brian blinks. “Huh?”
Elliot turns to me and gloats.
“Yeah, yeah. Save it. You wanna know why I dated him? He had a big d—”
“Whoa! That’s a detail I don’t need,” Elliot cuts me off.
I glance down at his notebook. “You don’t want to add that to your notes?”
“No, ma’am.”
“I’ll draw a picture for you…”
“Let’s get back to the case,” Elliot grumbles. “Your sister and the bathroom window…”
“And how Big D Brian is totally covering for her.”
Suppose Jen didn’t stay in the bathroom all night. She had a change of clothes. She’s slender and spry enough to slip out the tiny window… dressed like Aunt Cherry.
What reason did she have for impersonating Aunt Cherry and meeting up with Mayor Thornberry in the bushes?
Have we found the shitters?”
Pooper 1 and Pooper 2?
And while we’re at it…
“Why are you telling us this?” I ask Brian. “Jen is your fiancée. Even if she did do it, why rat her out?”
Brian smiles shyly. “Because she’s not you,” he says, holding a bare nut to my face as a truce. “Peanut?”
Rendered speechless, I take the nut. Elliot thanks him for the information. We mumble our goodbyes.
“What are you going to do with that thing?” Elliot asks, watching me roll the de-shelled peanut in my palm. “Don’t tell me you’re going to eat it?”
It takes me a minute to shake myself back to reality. “I’m going to show Jen,” I nod resolutely.
“And what do you hope to achieve?”
“Brian gave me a peanut…” I say, as if the answer is obvious.
Elliot shrugs. “So?”
“Don’t you see? He’s still obsessed with me! How can he marry her when he’s still in love with me?”
“I don’t know Jen very well, but I can already tell your relationship with Brian is a sore spot for her,” Elliot says. “She’s not going to take it well… ”
“I don’t care how she’ll take it. It’s my big sister duty to save her from herself. She’ll thank me for it later.”
“This is not a good idea.” Elliot watches me root around in my purse for something to wrap up the evidence. He holds out his hand. “Give me the nut.”
“No.”
“Your sister is a grown-up. Let her make her own decisions.”
“Jen is anything but grown up,” I snort, struggling to find my tissue packet inside my overstuffed purse. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I call Brian my brother-in-law. Now where the heck is that damn— Hey!”
Elliot snatches the peanut from my hands.
“Give it back!” I lunge at him.
He holds it above his head. “Leave it alone.”
I hold out my hand. “I’m going to count to three and I want the nut returned to me. One. Two. Thr— Hey!”
Elliot pops the peanut in his mouth, keeping his eye on me as he swallows in one dramatic gulp.
I fold my arms over my chest, sulking. “I hope you choke on it.”
“I didn’t.”
“You’re a real jerk, you know that.”
His eyes travel to the sky. “Someone told me that once. I think that someone was you.” He swings his car keys around his finger. “Shall we move on to the next suspect?”
I reluctantly follow him. “I was being nice when I said ‘jerk.’ I meant something much worse.”
“I know.” He suppresses a smile, drawing out a dimple on his left cheek.
“So how’d it taste?” I ask.
“Pretty good,” Elliot says, opening the passenger side door for me. “A bit salty.”
“Brian doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom,” I say. “Just let that marinate in your mind…”
I’d have to hand it to Elliot. He doesn’t bat an eye, just sits quietly behind the wheel. Finally, he starts up the engine. “That’s where the unique flavor came from,” he says, eliciting a traitorous smile from me, which I try to hide with a turn of my head.
I remain silent as he pulls away from the curb, letting him have that one.