Chapter Sixteen #2
“No! Get away from that!” I shout, more forcefully than I meant to. Flashbacks crash through my mind. I’m back there, dangling off the side of the building, seconds away from falling to my death. My fingers slip as I struggle to hold on tighter.
“Ezra…I-I can barely breathe!” A muffled voice gnaws at my conscience.
The scent of sweet vanilla wraps around me.
“Ezra…please…let go.” Her voice is so near, shaking with concern.
My eyes snap open, and for a moment, everything is a blur.
When my vision clears, reality sinks in.
I look down and see that I have Raina pinned against me, my arms firmly wrapped around her chest. She fights to break free, using every ounce of her strength.
What the hell am I doing? I quickly step back from the railing, pulling her with me before letting go.
She leans forward, hands resting on her knees as she tries to catch her breath.
After a moment, she straightens up, turning to fix her gaze on me.
“Damn it, Raina…I’m sorry…I-I didn’t mean to.” I tug at my hair in frustration, turning away from her.
“What the hell was that?” she demands, her tone making it hard to tell if she’s scared, angry, or maybe both. I scramble for a quick response, trying to keep my composure.
“I thought you were going to fall,” I say, still facing away from her.
She lets out a sharp scoff. “No, Ezra, it was more than that.”
I rub my jaw, taking a few deep breaths before turning to face her.
I adopt a blank expression. “It was nothing.” I brush past her, yanking off my jacket as I suddenly feel uncomfortably hot.
She stays silent, probably burning a well-deserved hole in my back with her stare.
I plop down on the roof, lying back as I pull out a smoke and light it quickly, snapping my Zippo shut and tucking it into my pocket.
I close my eyes, loathing myself for how today has unfolded, once again proving why I’m better off alone.
I can hear Raina shuffling toward me, her sweet scent wafting through the air. I inhale deeply, opening my eyes to find her standing above me with her arms crossed. She licks the corner of her mouth and raises an eyebrow. “Consent before touching, huh?” she quips.
I tilt my head to meet her gaze for a moment before looking away toward the sky. Suddenly, she kicks my leg, jolting my attention. “What the fuck, Raina!” I groan in surprise.
She gasps, covering her mouth with her hands. “Oh no! I’m so sorry…It’s just that I asked you a question, and when you didn’t reply, I thought you didn’t hear me,” she retorts, sarcasm dripping from her words. Deep down, she knows I heard her. She’s such a firecracker sometimes.
“Fair point,” I concede, not wanting to dive into the darker parts of my thoughts with her. Maybe it’s dishonest, or maybe I just genuinely thought she might fall. I decide to stick to my original excuse. “I thought you were going to fall.”
She stares down at me for a moment, maybe planning to kick me again.
I won’t stop her if so—I deserve it. Instead, she huffs and throws her backpack to the side, lying down beside me.
Her arm gently brushes against mine, causing me to tense up a little.
I hear a long breath escape her lips. “Can you tell me what’s going on with the Beck girl?
I deserve that…at least,” she admits. I take a long drag from my cigarette, resting my hand back on my stomach.
She’s right. I brought her into this mess, I can at least give her the basics of the truth.
Raina’s fingers gently brush against the top of my hand, and I avert my eyes.
“What are you doing?” The feel of her soft fingertips gliding across my scars causes my teeth to clench, but not in a bad way.
I watch as she smoothly laces her fingers around the cigarette, pulling it from mine.
My eyes follow her hand as she brings it to her mouth, the cherry glows and sizzles as she takes a hit from it, blowing smoke into the night air.
She doesn’t choke or cough this time. I’m impressed.
She quickly gestures for me to take it back. I laugh.
“So I’m a bad influence now, too, huh?”
She turns her head toward me. “Basically,” she jokes. I expect her to look away, but she continues looking at me. She wants answers.
I look back up at the sky, preparing my thoughts.
“I met Beck and her brother, Blake, when I was seven-years-old. We were basically neighbors and grew up together…we’ve always been close.
Things shifted between her and I as we got older…
I just didn’t know exactly what it was. I always knew she was strong…
and beautiful.” I glance over at Raina. She stays quiet, lost in the stars as I share pieces of something I’ve never shared with anyone else.
I clear my throat, bracing myself for what I’m about to say.
“On my 16th birthday…something happened between us and our friendship. We, uh, had sex. It wasn’t her first time…
but…it was for me. Long story short, feelings got involved, and other things happened in the mix…
We wanted it to work, but it just couldn’t…
and she’s battled with that for a long time…
So did I…but I had to accept that it couldn’t be anything more than a friendship.
” I sit up, propping my legs up. I flick the cherry off the remnants of the cigarette, smashing it with my shoe.
I lie back down, waiting for Raina to throw questions my way with the information I just shared.
“Do you love her?” she asks gently.
“I do, and always will,” I respond immediately.
She takes a deep breath, considering her next words. “So, have you been with anyone else since her?”
I turn my head slightly, surprised by her question, though I suppose it’s a fair one.
“Raina… I’m twenty-seven,” I reply. She looks at me intently, nervously chewing on the inside of her cheek.
I can’t help but remember how soft her lips felt.
“If you really must know…I’m well experienced in fucking. ”
Her eyes widen in surprise, but she quickly shifts her gaze back to the sky. She lifts her hands, resting them against her chest. “I don’t blame Beck for feeling some type of way…you are pretty easy on the eyes,” she murmurs under her breath.
I chuckle at her comment. “Right…until you notice these,” I say, raising my arm to flaunt one of my biggest letdowns.
“Honestly, I find them strangely attractive,” she says instead.
I bring my attention back to her. Does she mean that? I open my mouth to respond, but she clears her throat and speaks first. “Do they hurt?”
I’m assuming she’s referring to my scars.
“Yeah, some places are overly sensitive, while others are almost numb to the touch.” I wait, expecting her to ask how I got them.
Surely she’s wondered since meeting me. She stays silent, but I see her fidgeting with her fingers on her chest. “Are you not going to ask me how I got them?”
She quickly sits up, wrapping her arms around her legs. She looks back at me, her expression filled with concern. “I already know…”
I furrow my brows. “What do you mean?”
She lets out a deep exhale. “Before I committed to moving here, I wanted to make sure I was moving to a safe place, like crime-free, and all. The only thing that came up was about a sixteen-year-old who survived a house fire and lost his mom and uncle to that same fire on his birthday…on our birthday. And the first time I met you at the bar, Scottie had asked you about y-your scars…I knew it was you. You were him.”
I sit up, trying to grasp the realization that she’s known this dark part of me this entire time. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I press.
She shrugs her shoulders. “It wasn’t my place to…
and I won’t pry and ask for details…You can tell me when you feel comfortable to…
or you never have to tell me at all.” She shifts her gaze to me.
“I guess…I’m just happy you survived,” she admits.
I look forward, biting my tongue. Would she think differently of me if I told her I wanted to die in that fire with them?
That living is worse than being dead? She catches my attention, pulling her phone out from her backpack.
“It’s getting late, I have work in the morning.
” I nod, grabbing my jacket and standing up.
She does the same, grabbing her bag. We stand facing each other.
She’s so small compared to me; she has to crane her neck to meet my eyes.
“Well…today was interesting…Maybe we can do it again sometime,” she says playfully.
I give her a tight smile. “Yeah…maybe so.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to check it. Blake has texted multiple times.
Blake: You have royally fucked up, brother.
Blake: Can’t wait for the juicy deets of your recent fuck ups:)
I roll my eyes at his texts.
Me: Fuck you, Blake
Blake: I love you too, buddy.
I shake my head, sliding my phone back in my pocket.
Raina heads toward the door leading back to the stairs.
I follow behind her, trying to process everything that’s happened today.
I hate to admit that maybe I enjoyed myself for a change, despite my fuck ups, as Blake calls them.
He doesn’t even know about my episode, so I might just have to leave that part out to avoid his commentary.
I have enough shit on my plate as it is.
One being that Beck despises me currently, the second being me trying to ignore the fact that this tiny little human walking in front of me is causing a problem with my mental state.
I clearly am losing control, and while I don’t fucking like it, she’s like a drug I want to keep trying to see if I’m addicted to her or not.