Epilogue
Ezra,
If you’re reading this letter, it’s because Jesse and I have confessed the truth to you.
I wrote this for you to read after your sixteenth birthday, when you were ready to.
I can only imagine how you are feeling with the information we’ve given, but I hope you can understand why we waited.
There were many reasons. Mainly, because we wanted to make sure you were old enough to understand and process the news.
Never once did I or Jesse want to hurt you.
You have been through so much, more than most at such a young age.
I feel like I’ve failed you as a mother, as your protector.
And that’s something that I will live with for the rest of my life.
And I’m so sorry that you had to go so many years thinking that you were a piece of someone who hurt our family and carried demons.
I’ve tried to remind you often that you are nothing like him…
that your heart is pure. You blame yourself for different things when none of them were ever your fault.
I wanted to tell you the truth after Joseph left, but I was so scared to.
I didn’t know if he’d come back, or if you wouldn’t understand and resent Jesse and me for it.
It would have just been too much for you to take in after everything that happened that night.
You have already faced so much pain, I couldn’t bear adding more to it. You needed time. We both did.
Ezra, I need you to know this. I’ve made mistakes throughout my life and felt many regrets.
But not once have I ever regretted being your mother.
You are and always will be my reason for breathing, for never giving up.
You have given me more love than I could ever ask for from a son.
And I’ll never forget the first time I heard your little heartbeat.
It was just moments after I found out that I was pregnant with you.
I felt it, like something told me you were a boy.
And I knew then that no matter what happened with Joseph, I would never be alone again… because I had you. You saved me.
You remind me so much of Jesse, but also me. We are so proud of who you are. Never forget that.
You are good, Ezra. You deserve to be happy…
never think otherwise. One day, a girl will unexpectedly come into your life.
A girl who reminds you of me, who has been through similar things in life, where maybe she didn’t have a father or a man to protect her in different moments.
She will be something fierce, I just know it.
And that will draw you to her. You will try your hardest to fight the connection you feel, but the more she comes around, the harder it will be for you, because, just as you always do for me, you will want to care for her deeply and protect her.
It’s just who you are, and I love that about you.
Just please remember to “be loved” while loving her. Because you deserve the love you give.
In your heart, I know you feel you wouldn’t be a good father, because of your past and Joseph.
But you are so, so wrong. You will be the best father one day.
And you won’t understand that until you hold your baby for the first time.
I have this strong feeling that if that day comes, it’ll be a little baby girl.
I hope she has your hair. It makes little sense to you right now, but you will protect her with your entire being.
You’ll love her just as you love her mother and me.
And I hope I’m here to see it all, but if for some reason I’m not, know that I am nearby.
And the day that sweet baby is born, if you have a little visitor stop in, know that it’s me. I’ll always be here, no matter what.
I love you, Ezra Gray.
My resilient boy. My monarch butterfly.
Love, Mom.