Chapter Twenty-Four
ARINA
My feet ached, and my legs were jelly by the time we left Enigma, but I wasn’t complaining. I’d never been more blissfully content, and I could have repeated the entire night over and over.
It was late, well past midnight, but I still wasn’t ready to go back to the caravan.
I wasn’t ready for the night to be over. For my time with Daze to end.
“That was fun,” I said softly as the warm night air slammed into us. Clouds overhead blocked out the stars and moon, but the streetlights and neon signs on nearby buildings illuminated the mostly empty street. A couple of cars rolled by, but the city was otherwise quiet outside of the club.
I wrapped my arms around myself, unsure what to do with my hands as we slowly started down the sidewalk.
Now that we were out in the open, away from the crowd of dancing bodies we’d been surrounded by for hours, I felt exposed.
Vulnerable. Something as simple as hand-holding felt more serious than either of us wanted out here.
As if his boner hadn’t just been pressed against my ass and his tongue down my throat.
“It was,” he agreed, the corner of his mouth lifting into a soft smirk. “More fun than I’ve had in ages.”
“Psh.” I giggled. “You’re part of a circus. You get to have fun all the time.”
There was a beat of silence before he answered.
“That’s true, but just like every other job…
at the end of the day, it’s just that: a job,” he explained.
“No matter how free I feel performing, or how at home I feel on stage, what it all boils down to is… I still have to do what’s expected of me.
I still have to follow the rules, show up, be perfect.
But tonight…” He hesitated, like he was struggling to find the words, and ran his fingers through his hair.
“I didn’t feel like anything was expected of me. I just got to be. ”
I knew what he meant, because I’d felt it too.
Without the worry of my parents’ disapproval, my designation being exposed, or the Stone pack catching up to me, I forgot everything and just enjoyed myself.
I wanted to spend every day chasing that feeling, doing whatever I wanted and actually living for the first time since I awakened.
“I know some things are expected, like showing up and performing, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on a tightrope all the time,” I assured him.
The margaritas had worn off a while ago, but my words still flowed freely.
It might have been from all the time we’d spent together, or maybe because I felt closer to him since we’d tongue-tangoed in the club, but I couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself.
“You should be free to do whatever you want, to be you all the time.”
I didn’t expect the sigh that escaped him, and I looked over to see him shaking his head.
“It’s not that simple, Arina,” he muttered. “Everything is so… difficult.”
I knew he was talking about Night without him having to say it. Whatever fucked-up situation they were in weighed on him more than he wanted to admit, and while I wanted answers, I refused to pry.
He’d tell me when he was ready.
“I get it,” I said, aiming to divert the conversation.
Since he’d opened up a little, I decided I could do the same. If I eventually told him enough about myself, maybe he’d finally break down and explain whatever was going on between him and the magician.
I chose my words carefully.
“I’ve had to live a certain way for a long time. I wasn’t allowed to do the things I wanted. I was essentially kept prisoner in my own house, very rarely allowed to leave. My parents said it was in my best interest, and maybe it was, but… that’s no way to live.”
We slowed to a stop, and my heart fluttered as our eyes met. I swallowed the emotion threatening to clog my throat and pressed on.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to be normal,” I said.
“To do what everyone else did. I wanted to have fun, to live, to have friends…” The words surprised me, but I didn’t stop.
I knew how I felt—I’d lived with the same thoughts plaguing me for years—but hearing it out loud made me realize how desperately I’d been yearning for what I finally had.
“And now that I have a taste of that, now that I finally know what I’ve been missing out on, I… I don’t think I could ever go back.”
A myriad of emotions flashed over Daze’s features, and another moment of silence dragged by. Heat prickled across my cheeks, and I wondered if I’d said too much. Was there such a thing?
Had I turned him off by talking about my past? I shifted my weight back and forth. Did I make everything awkward?
Finally, he smiled and stuck out his hand, turning my insides to goo. “Stick with us, and you’ll never have to go back.”
More heat bloomed over my cheeks, and I slowly reached out to take the offering, swallowing a squeak when he intertwined our fingers.
Turning without a word, he led us down the sidewalk. All the while, my heart hammered erratically, and I kept glancing at my hand in his. It was silly, but I’d never been so happy. Like a kid with her first crush, I was giddy, and I had no idea what to do about it.
What could I do about it?
Nothing . But that didn’t stop the little jolts of electricity skipping along my skin every time we touched. Nor did it prevent the goofy smile that spread across my face.
I might have been clueless when it came to boys, but everything about being with Daze made sense.
It felt so right.
Surely, he felt it too…
We waited at the corner for the light to change and crossed the street.
I had no idea where we were going, but I trusted his sense of direction.
If he wanted to take the long way back, I was fine with that.
And if he didn’t want to go back at all, preferring to roam the streets of Dallas until sunrise, that was okay too.
Turned out, that wasn’t his plan.
After walking a few more blocks, the convention center came into view, and my eyes immediately landed on the clown bus. My heart sank, but I tried not to be too disappointed.
We needed rest. Daze, especially. The troupe had a big performance to prepare for. He couldn’t stay out all night, as much as I wished he could.
“Thank you for everything,” I said as we stopped next to the bus. “I needed this.”
“Me too.” He nodded, and my chest deflated when he let go of my hand.
We stood staring at each other for a long moment, my insides churning with conflicting thoughts.
There was so much I wanted to say, questions I wanted to ask.
But how did I ask if this was going to be our dirty little secret?
If we were going to pretend like none of this happened when the sun came up?
Gossip would likely take the circus by storm, and if we told anyone, the entire troupe was liable to know by lunch.
“Get so?—”
“We shou?—”
We both started talking at once, and I blushed harder.
“Get some rest,” he said with a sympathetic smile. “I’ll see you around tomorrow.”
“Oh. Right.” I tried to ignore the disappointment that landed heavily in my chest. “Yeah, get some rest.”
Awkwardness eating through my insides like acid, I turned to grab the door handle. I pulled the door open, staring up into the dark interior, but Daze grabbed my free hand and spun me back around to face him.
“What are you?—”
He swooped down swiftly and caught my lips with his, cutting off my question, and I sighed into his mouth.
Letting go of the handle, my hands danced over his biceps. I wanted to memorize every inch of him in case all of this ended tonight. If I never got another chance to do this with him, I’d brand it in my memories and burn it into my brain.
Regardless of what tomorrow held, tonight was one of the best nights of my life.
When he pulled away, I could have sworn his cheeks were tinged pink.
“I just had to do that one more time,” he said, his voice quiet. He brushed his thumb along my jaw, sending sparks skittering over my skin, and I fought to catch my breath. “Goodnight, cielito.”
He turned and walked away with his hands in his pockets, and I watched him go. When he disappeared into the darkness, I closed the bus door behind me and climbed the stairs as quietly as possible.
Each of my movements was entirely too loud, and I cringed with every footstep.
The rest of the clowns were asleep, their privacy curtains drawn.
My bunk was the only one exposed, the dark curtain gaping open in welcome invitation for me to crash for the night, but there were still things I needed to do.
I needed to shower and take my suppressants. I was pretty sure neither of those could wait until morning, considering how much I’d sweat at the club.
As I slowly made my way down the aisle, the scent of caramel-covered popcorn wrapped around me, making my head swim. I paused in front of Zero’s bunk, taking slow, deep breaths and letting the scent fill me. It was intoxicating, the way it affected me, and it wasn’t fair.
How could a fucking asshole like him smell so good?
How could he be my scent match?
I knew Daze was a beta, but why couldn’t I match with someone sweet like him instead? Someone who didn’t want to use me as a live target for knife practice.
I glared at Zero’s curtain, angry curiosity burning in my stomach.
My omega instincts were going crazy, begging me to get closer, the way they did anytime the psychotic clown was near.
It would have been easy, so easy, to reach out and drag open his curtain to get another glimpse of him.
To engulf myself in the scent that was surely drenching his bed.
If he was sleeping, he probably wouldn’t even notice, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. The thought of his hateful gaze and that wicked smile kept me rooted to the spot.
It was probably for the best that I left him the fuck alone. Maybe when he wasn’t on the bus, I could bury my face in his pillow and breathe him in to my heart’s content. That ought to sate my omega instincts, for a while anyway.