Chapter 26 Soren
SOREN
I stand in the open doorway as the three of them fuck, but despite standing right here, they don’t see me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, but none of them hear me.
I try to scream it, but the words are cut off, strangled in my throat.
The curtain hangs open, the moonlight revealing a malicious smile on Lex’s and Hadrian’s faces.
They hate me, and they want to punish me.
It’s working. Sable shines like a radiance in the bed, glowing in the moonlight as she moans her pleasure.
She is so beautiful, even beat up, even in the darkness.
I know I don’t deserve her, but fuck, it’s hard not to look at perfection.
Guilt eats me alive, leaving me hollow, bleeding, and watching as they moan and writhe.
It’s my fault that all of this happened to her.
I’m the one who chased her away. “Please, I’m so sorry,” I beg again, not because I want them to accept me, but because I need them to stop hating me so damn much.
I step into the room. The smell of her is so thick here, the sweet scent of her skin, her cunt, it’s everywhere.
As I watch, she stares me in the eyes, challenging me to do something.
As I watch her face contort, her hair changes color, and suddenly, Arabella stares at me from between Lex and Orion. They still can’t hear me as I start screaming my lungs out.
I open my eyes to the hotel room. I’m in bed, and no one is fucking any longer, but if I thought for one minute I might get some peace, I’d be dead wrong.
There isn’t a person alive, including me, who would offer me any.
Lex stands above me, hands gripping my shirt, and I quickly realize why the nightmare stopped.
“Lex,” I say, my mind slowly coming back to reality. I’ve been asleep for a while, and my head is too damn clear.
“You’re going to wake up Sable,” he says, and suddenly, the reason for his concern clicks right into place. She is hurt and needs rest, and I was screaming out loud too.
“I won’t,” I say, pushing him off me and sitting up.
“I’ll stay up,” I promise. I don’t really want to fight with him, especially when he has every reason to be mad at me, and that dream is so fresh in my mind.
Everything hurts. My head, heart, and stomach all revolt against the sensation.
I need the damn pills, I think to myself, trying to remember where I put them.
My jacket hangs over the chair, and I head toward it to solve my own problems.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he seethes. “It’s your fault she left us. You have no goddamn right.”
I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about, but he shuts up as I grab the pills out of the pocket and turn toward the bathroom.
I don’t even bother until I’m inside before opening the bottle.
My back to him in the dark should be enough privacy.
The lid turns beneath my palm, and I crush two between my teeth as I cross into the bathroom.
It tastes like absolute shit with a hint of sweetness, but at least this will stop soon.
Rather than the door closing behind me, he steps into the path of it and prevents me from getting away from him.
“What were you screaming about?” he demands as he flips on the light and blinds us both.
“I was having a nightmare.” That’s obvious.
We both know it, and he stares at me like if he does it hard enough I might fess up.
There isn’t a chance in hell of that happening.
As he stares me down, the drugs start to take effect, and a mellow sense of pleasantness floats through me.
I remember all the reasons I have to feel absolutely awful, but instead of empty and dead, I’m warm.
Lex furrows his brow as he looks at me, like he’s seeing something for the first time.
I don’t need to know what new and awful reason he’s come up with to hate me.
I ruined six people’s lives at once because I managed to get drugged by Arabella.
Jesus Christ, I don’t think there’s a person alive who hates themself more than I do.
If it weren’t for the high buzzing behind my eyes, I would jump out the window and get all of this over with right now.
He continues to stare, and his appraisal burns like my father’s.
My hand moves to the back of my neck, nervously grabbing.
My feet cross over one another, and I nearly trip.
“Soren, look at me,” he says, but I don’t.
What’s he going to get out of it anyway?
All of them hating me fucking sucks whether I look him in the eye or not.
Hell, he just got to fuck Sable. I don’t think there’s anything he can possibly do to hurt me worse than having every goddamn thing I want in the world.
He steps into my space smelling like cologne and Sable.
My head swims as I try to keep myself standing.
There’s too much happening, too many things threatening to break through the haze.
All of a sudden, his hands are on my chest. He pushes me until my back hits the wall, and my head follows after it. The pain is nothing, but it increases the buzzing in my skull. His hands are all over me, and I’m not sure what to make of his actions.
“You trying to fuck me, Lex? Heard I’m easy to take advantage of.
” His hands pause for a moment at that, but they’re moving again a moment later.
I realize what he’s trying to do too late, and the pills slide out of my pants pocket.
Real fear shoots through me, and I try to grapple him for them.
A wide hand collides with my cheek, and my mouth hangs open, hardly able to believe he slapped me.
“You’re not going to fight me over a bottle of pills.
Do you understand?” I manage to nod. My gaze avoids his like the plague, but I watch his hands as he opens the bottle and spills some into his hand.
“The fuck are these?” he asks as he rolls them around.
They’re round, markingless, and a pale blue. “Where are you getting these?”
“An actual doctor,” I quip. “Not some thug, beating me up because I had a nightmare.”
“Then why the fuck aren’t they coded?” He ignores the rest of what I said, and I shrug. Frankly, I never looked that hard at them before I sniffed them. “Soren, who gave these to you?”
“My family doctor,” I enunciate each syllable.
“Why are you saying gave them to me like I’m a fucking child and I’ve been dosed with something?
” The question burns. Isn’t that exactly what I am?
Isn’t that exactly how Arabella was able to get what she wanted from me?
How did she drug me? I ask myself again, like it even matters anymore.
“I’m taking these,” he says. I’m about to argue, to fight him if I have to, but I remember the extra script I picked up. I just need him to leave me alone for a while so I can get them out of my backpack.
“Do whatever you have to do.”
His eyes search me again suspiciously, and I realize a moment too late I should at least have tried to argue a bit more. Giving in so easily is suspicious when I’m so clearly attached to them.
“Why are you so fucking high, Soren?” he asks.
“Who said I’m high?” I ask.
“Your pupils for one.”
“Because of the pills, then,” I answer, letting him know he’s not going to get anywhere with me. I don’t want to be bosom buddies with him while my own brother and the woman I love hate my guts.
“Why actually?” he insists, with a softening of his gaze. He looks like he doesn’t quite despise me for a moment, and I hate to admit it, but it works.
“Because I’m a bad person, and it’s easier this way.”
I try to push past him, but he doesn’t let me go. He’s quiet, and I can tell how hard he’s struggling for words. Just a moment ago, he told me how little he thought of me, so I’m not sure why my sharing the sentiment seems to bother him.
“What did you mean when you said I heard you’re easy to take advantage of?” Concern and possibly pity burn in the back of his eyes, and I hate the feeling so much I want to fight him off physically.
My cheeks burn, and I realize just how much I’ve said.
I must be more fucked up than I grasped, and the sudden embarrassment morphs into a desperate need to get away from him, from everyone.
I consider leaving right then and there, but one thing stops me.
Sable is behind that door, and even if I don’t deserve to be with her, I’m greedy, I’m terrible, and I want more than anything to stay in her orbit.
“Nothing. I’m high,” I say, wondering who ever came up with the term. I’ve never been so fucking low.
“Obviously, it meant something,” he insists.
“Why the fuck do you care, is the better question.” He speaks, then stops, the answer eluding him, just as it eludes me.
“We all know what I did, Lex,” I continue.
“You know exactly why Sable has bruises all over her face and those cuts on her chest. She left because of me. Carl Briarwick got his hooks into her because of me.” The rage and pain swarm inside me, and I wish he would leave me alone.
He stares at me for a long time. “We’ll talk about this later. When you have a better chance of remembering our conversation.” The judgment is so thick in his tone I’d like to peel my skin off and offer it to him. I would do it anyway if I thought it would make Sable hate me any less.
“Should I stay in here?” I ask, meaning the room itself, not the damn bathroom he’s cornered me in.
“Where else would you go?” he responds in that cutting tone of his that feels more suited for corpses than people.
“There are a few rooms in the suite. I didn’t know if you wanted me farther away.”
He sighs before he says, “You can barely walk. Obviously, stay here, but if you can’t avoid the nightmares, do try to stay up.”
I salute him. “Good night, Lex,” I say, wanting him gone, needing to get myself fucked up enough to forget the bruises on Sable’s cheeks and the crusted blood in her nostril.
“Soren, I—” He tries and fails to say something, but I don’t need any more kicks right now. “I’m sorry for what I said before.”
“You have absolutely no reason to be, Lex.”
It feels like he wants to say more, but instead, he leaves, closing the door behind him.
Somewhere deep in my soul, I know I’ll never be home again.
Pure things are reserved for pure people, and I’m about as far from that as anyone could get.
I’m a monster, and everything that’s happened to Sable is my fault.