Chapter 3 - Andie
Chapter Three - Andie
Ugh, this day is so generic and dull. Why do I work here again? Oh yeah, because I need a job, and I thought I’d love saving lives and helping people.
It was naive of me to think that most of these people wanted to be saved. They just want a roof over their head, free TV, and a hot meal. Sure, there are the remote few who actually want and need our help, but it’s so rare that I’ve become jaded about nursing over the years.
Whatever, just get through the day Andie. Then you can go home and relax.
Working as a nurse on a medical floor is not always as glamorous or easy as most television shows make it look.
You don’t have doctors helping you ambulate patients or sometimes even responding to your urgent messages.
I’m constantly being yelled at by patients and their families.
By the end of any given shift, there are more bodily fluids covering my scrubs than most people see in their lifetime, giving me that stylish human waste-can look.
The assignment board is lit up like a Christmas tree with discharges and admissions, which is nothing new for us.
Only four more hours, Andie. Only four more hours.
With each tick of the clock, I keep hoping I’ll make it through my shift with no casualties.
My gut is still a twisted knot telling me that something isn’t right, and my dream was not just a dream, but something more.
My brain has melted into mush by now. The constant screams from confused patients, the call lights’ loud pages, and the beeping IVs plague my ears like some twisted hospital symphony.
I’m trying to chart at the nurses’ station, but the steady stream of family members coming up to ask questions prevents me from getting anything done.
The workspace around me is pure chaos—half-empty coffee cups growing cold next to the completely full Stanley that holds my water.
The same water that I filled up this morning but have yet to finish.
Unable to stay hydrated as I am constantly on the run.
Sticky notes on every available inch of my computer area with reminders and scribbled to-do lists.
Don’t forget the collection of pens that keep getting tossed down, along with handfuls of alcohol swabs and flushes from my pockets, making the whole area look completely disorganized.
Looking up, I do a double-take as our friend Charlie and a couple of the other guys approach.
Charlie is Cody’s best friend from the fire station.
They’ve worked together for years, creating a bond that can’t be broken.
It’s not uncommon to see the guys when I work, helping transport some of our more critical cases to other facilities.
Sometimes, they even take our patients home at discharge.
“Hey guys! What are you doing here? We didn’t have a transfer that I know of?” I ask, staring at my little side-family, the ones that are always there when I need them the most. Cody and I have spent countless barbecues and date nights with them and their families.
“We need to speak with your boss real fast, Andie. Is she around?” Charlie asks.
“Uhm, yeah, sure.” A pinch of confusion crosses my face. “She should be in her office just down this hall, last door on the left, before you hit the elevators. Is it something I can help with?”
Charlie always talks to me—that’s my first clue something isn’t right.
When Charlie and Cody became best friends and nearly inseparable, I became part of that group.
Charlie tells me all the secrets, even the ones Cody doesn’t want me to know, but this one he isn’t sharing, which has my suspicion meter going haywire.
“No thanks, we just need to run something by her.” His response is flat and emotionless, doing little to lift the uncertainty swarming through my mind.
I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, like when you see police cars turn on their lights, but you don’t know if it’s for you or the car next to you.
They have never spoken to my boss before, and the curiosity is eating me alive.
I fear they aren’t here for her but for something far worse.
Waiting for the guys to talk to my boss clouds my mind as I attempt to chart, the words blur on my screen as my focus keeps being pulled to my wandering thoughts.
The minutes drag on as I sit on the edge of my seat to find out what they possibly needed to talk to her about.
It’s killing me as my imagination goes wild.
As the guys come out of the office, I see them turn around and shake her hand. Their voices are inaudible, but the looks on their faces speak a million words. A quick glance from my boss has my feet mindlessly moving toward them.
Is that pity I see? Why would she look at me with pity? They begin to approach me like I’m a wild animal they don’t know how to handle. Oh, this can’t be good.
“Andie, can we talk somewhere private?” Charlie asks, staring at me with a disheartened look.
“I’m good here, thanks, Charlie.” My tone is stern, my patience is gone, and I need to know what’s happening.
“I really think we should speak in private, please, Andie.”
I see him pleading, but I just don’t care. Whatever he’s hiding, he doesn’t want an audience, but he’s getting one anyway.
“Please, Andie?”
“I really think you just need to say whatever it is. Why are you guys acting so secretive? You tell me everything, Charlie, so why not this? Is it Cody? Is he okay?” Charlie’s hands rack through his hair as he opens his mouth to respond, but I plunge ahead.
“Of course he is, else the chaplain or the chief would be here, right? So, what aren’t you telling me?
” The questions spew out like rapid fire.
But as his eyes finally meet mine, time seems to stop.
There’s devastation there, dread so deep it makes my stomach drop.
No, no, no. This isn’t what I’m seeing. This can’t be what I’m seeing.
Charlie is trying to stay composed, his jaw clenched tight, but he’s fracturing right in front of me.
The weight of what he has to tell me is written all over his face.
“It’s Cody.” He finally manages, his voice barely above a whisper.
He’s fighting so hard to hold it together for his best friend—his brother—but having to be the one to shatter me is breaking him apart.
“We were on a call and he—” The words come out in a rush of anguish as his voice cracks like glass.
“Andie, god, I’m so sorry. He didn’t make it out of the fire.
” Tears pool in the corners of his eyes—Charlie, who’s never cried in front of me, not once in all these years.
And somehow that breaks me more than his next words. “Cody’s dead. I’m so, so sorry.”
I’m paralyzed while I process the words that begin the destruction of my life.
I stand in silence until the only noise is my laughter.
Laughter that erupts when pain crosses the threshold into absurdity.
It’s that raw, trembling sound that hovers somewhere between hysteria and surrender.
Where your body can’t decide if it’s breaking down or breaking free, it’s that fine line between sanity and madness as it blurs into complete, unhinged honesty. This is crazy, this can’t be right.
“Andie? Did you hear what I said?”
“Oh yeah, I heard you. But there is no way I heard that correctly because Cody is one of the best firefighters out there. And there is no possible way you guys didn’t protect him and let him die.
” Charlie stands there, startled, unsure if I truly understand the situation. My body is shaking with fury.
“I mean, there is no way he didn’t make it out of a fire, right?
He has you guys to protect him.” My voice shifts from unhinged laughter to rage, my words harsh, but now is not the time to tiptoe around feelings.
“So please enlighten me on how my husband died, but all of you are standing here, right in front of me, untouched and perfectly fine. Please tell me–– tell me what happened and why you weren’t there for him. ”
The laughter dies in my throat as the weight of it finally hits, really hits, replaced with a piercing anger.
I can’t do anything but stand here in a blinding rage, waiting for someone to tell me this isn’t real.
My knees threaten to break like a dam, all the fight I’ve been carrying draining out of my bones and pooling at my feet.
This is actually over, and my body knows it before my mind does.
I see the truth in his eyes and hear the honesty in his voice, but I don’t want to believe I’ll never see Cody again.
It finally hits me—this is real—the inescapable truth crashing into me. I’m not going to wake up with him next to me anymore. Tears stream down my face as my heart breaks piece by piece, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to fix this.
The tears continue, unable to stop them or all the emotions that roll over me.
That anger that was evident before starts to pop back in as my fists begin pounding Charlie’s chest. “Where were you? You’re supposed to protect him!
Where were you?” I scream, not giving a damn who hears me.
Charlie pulls me in tight, pinning my arms and burying my head into his chest, causing my screams and cries to come out muffled.
I start to lose all my strength and give in to the weight I’m feeling, folding in half as my body collapses to the floor, where Charlie stays with me, cradling me in his arms. We stay in the middle of the hallway as I cry until I become so tired I can’t let out any more noise.
It feels like hours have passed, but realistically, it’s only been a few minutes.
I know everyone is looking. I know my voice carried through the hallways as I cried and screamed at him.
It doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that Cody is gone.
I’ll never see him again. I remain in Charlie’s arms, too tired and weak to move.
“I’m so sorry, but we need to move somewhere else.
We have surgeries that need to get through the hallway.
She can’t just sit here,” my manager tells the guys.
She did not seriously just say that. If I didn’t hate my boss before, I sure do now.
That statement quickly shows me my worth.
The dreary fog lifts, only to be replaced by anger yet again.
“Don’t worry, I’ll move. I’ll grab my shit and go.” I pull away from Charlie, furious at my boss.
“But your shift isn’t done yet.”
Is she fucking serious? I just found out my husband died, and she wants me to continue my shift? Fuck that and fuck her.
“Oh, it’s done,” my charge nurse says as she snatches my report sheet from my back pocket and gives me a nod to leave. Turning back to my boss, I decide to give one more fuck you.
“Just in case you needed to hear it from me . . . I quit.” Maybe it’s not the most rational decision to act purely on emotions, but at this point, that’s the least of my worries. I storm off to the locker room, grabbing all my stuff to leave, Charlie and the guys following behind me.
“Let me drive you home, Andie?” He’s concerned, as he should be, but I just want to be alone.
“No, not this time,” I insist.
“I don’t like the idea of you driving alone in this state.”
“I’ll be okay, I promise. I need a moment, and the drive will help me.” It won’t help, but I’m not going to tell him that.
“Okay, but just know you can call me if you need anything at all. Doesn’t matter what time it is, call me.”
The look we share says everything. He can see my eyes swimming with fresh grief, and I see him fighting to stay steady even though it’s killing him.
His face looks haunted after being the bearer of such devastating news and watching me crack while he forces himself to be the strong one.
Somehow, the mutual recognition of our shared pain makes leaving even harder.
I know Charlie is worried, but I’ll be fine. Right? I mean, as fine as I’ll ever be now that my one and only love has left my life, doomed to be alone with an empty house and an empty heart.