Chapter 38 - Andie
Chapter Thirty-Eight - Andie
It’s been a long night, but I need to get Spencer settled before cleaning up.
Although I’m glad he came and I’m ready to really move forward with us, there’s something about a new boyfriend in your husband’s bed that screams weird to me.
I haven’t even slept in that bed since Cody died—I had been sleeping on the couch, unable to face the memories of our last morning together—when I begged him not to leave for work.
The thought of going back to that room, to the bed, where I said goodbye to him for the last time, makes my stomach churn.
When I hesitantly explain this to Spencer, I brace myself for disappointment. Instead, he just nods and offers to sleep on the couch. He doesn’t make me feel guilty about it, but with plenty of rooms available, I have no intention of taking him up on that.
Spencer bunks next door to me. It’s not about being ready or not—it’s about doing what feels right for me.
And right now, I need him close, but I also want my own space for a moment.
We have five bedrooms—what I’d hoped would become children’s rooms before learning that Cody was simply going along with my vision, never explicitly saying he didn’t want kids, just being vague about someday and when we’re ready.
Turns out, someday never came, and instead of laughter and little feet, the house filled with the sounds of complicated adults and every messy emotion imaginable.
“Abby and I are going to clean up. Get settled, and I’ll come see you before I go to bed. There are towels in the hall closet and the bathroom’s right next door if you want a shower.”
He tries to convince me to let him help clean up, but I refuse.
In my mind he’s a guest, and therefore I will pick up while he relaxes.
Abby is working on the dishes when I make my way into the kitchen.
I start picking up the beer bottles and cans that are scattered around making this house look more like a frat house after a college rager.
It takes mere minutes of silence before Abby breaks the quiet truce we were having.
“Okay, are we seriously not going to say anything at all about what’s going on?”
“Abby, come on. Can we not do this tonight?” I sigh. Knowing full well, she wants to address the topic of me and Spencer.
“Oh no, you can’t just bring that into the house, kiss him in front of everyone, and not say anything.” My glare and the flex of my jaw should have said it all, but clearly it doesn’t.
“That has a name, it’s Spencer. Start using it. And okay, fine, I guess we’re doing this? Let’s talk.” I should stop here, but I’m ready to go toe to toe with her and my anger has no limits.
“Should we talk about the fact that you had everyone over for a surprise party knowing that I’d hate it?
Or hang on, how about we talk about the fact that all of the guys Cody worked with saw me kiss another man before I got the chance to tell them?
Here’s the real zinger, let’s talk about the fact that you’re engaged, but you’re throwing yourself at my boyfriend and his brother?
What . . . what exactly should we talk about, Abby? You pick.”
I drop the bag I’m holding and wait for a response. I hope she sees how upset I am and lets it go.
“Andie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I was just trying to do something nice for you, to help make coming home easier.”
Abby always thinks she’s trying to help, but her help typically comes at a cost. One that benefits her.
In fact, her little surprise makes being here even harder than I anticipated.
Exasperated, I try to find common ground without her feeling like I hate her.
I need her to know what she did wasn’t right, but I don’t hate her.
I don’t think I ever could, she’s my sister and I crave getting that close relationship someday.
“I know, Abby. I know you were trying to help, but the fact is, this isn’t easy for me. Do me a favor? No more surprises, and I promise I’ll answer all your questions before I go back.”
She’s reluctant but agrees.
“I’m going to get some sleep. I can finish this tomorrow.
I’ll see you in the morning, Abby.” We head to bed for the night.
I’ve known Abby long enough to know that she’s going to wallow in self-pity in her room because she didn’t get the answers she was looking for.
She is going to sulk the same way she always did to get her way with our mother.
Cracking the door to speak with Spencer, I find him relaxing in his grey sweatpants.
While they don’t hug his body, they do outline some of my favorite features of him, making him almost irresistible.
Thank god he rests the book on his lap so I can actually focus on him, not on what’s hidden beneath his pants.
“Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for today. And I know this bedroom probably isn’t what you were thinking, but—” His hand raises for me to stop.
“Andie, really, it’s not a problem. I get it, it’s okay. I told you I’m not going to rush you with this. Besides, this is way better than sharing a room with Evan.” His smile is reassuring, and I believe him.
“Well thank you anyways. Do you need anything before I turn in?” He gets off the bed to meet me in the doorway. His hands cup my face in the way that I’ve come to love. I close my eyes to enjoy every sensation and sink into the warmth of his hands as he kisses me softly.
“Goodnight, Sweetheart, I’ll be here if you need me.” And he’s right he’s always there when I need him. Without fail he has been a security and a rock that I didn’t know I needed. There’s something special about the way Spencer loves, selflessly putting my needs above his own desires.
I lay there for hours, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The dread of what tomorrow might bring churns my stomach—not the nervous anticipation of success, but a sickening feeling, like peering over a cliff into an endless void.
I catch sight of the one frame on my nightstand that I never flipped.
The ghost of Cody stares back at me, threatening the black void of pain to surface again.
I flip it face down, choking down my tears, shaking off the ache and go back to watching the fan.
After what feels like an eternity of watching the fan spin in endless circles, my eyelids become heavy, softly closing and creating that pitch-black darkness I try to avoid.
The calming aspect of the darkness is short-lived as a soft orange glow starts to engulf my dreams. The glow is hazy, as if there’s a fog creating a blurry picture.
Images emerge through the mist, taking shape as I focus to clear them.
Standing there in my dream I force my eyes to stare directly into the cloud of smoke.
Unease hits me when I realize this isn’t Cody that is being turned to ash.
It’s Spencer.
It’s my Spencer that I’m watching as flames devour him.
His name is trying to escape my lips, but my screams are mute as my voice is being strangled by the smoke.
I strain my arm, still unable to get to him, feeling like my shoulder will disconnect from how hard I’m trying to reach out and close the distance between us.
Dreams quickly turn to nightmares as I watch the orange flames devour the man who has unequivocally stolen my heart.
The same flames that claimed my first love have their destruction set on another.
In my nightmare, I’m swinging my arms fiercely, trying to get to Spencer, trying to reach him as the flames consume him. Frozen in time, unable to escape a living hell as I watch Spencer die with no way to stop it.
"Andie, wake up! Wake up, Andie!"
A voice pulls me from my dream, and suddenly I’m aware of the strong arms wrapped around me, guiding me back and forth in a gentle rocking motion.
My screams must have come to life. My breathing is ragged, my body damp with sweat, and I realize I must have been thrashing in my sleep.
As my breathing slows and my mind quiets, I can make out the words that play on repeat.
“You’re safe,” Spencer whispers against my hair. “I’m right here.”
When I lift my head to look at him, my hands immediately reach up to stroke his face, making sure he’s real, that I’m not still trapped in the nightmare—a dangerous mix of relief, lingering fear, and overwhelming emotion courses through my veins as the stubble from his jaw line grounds me.
“I couldn’t save you,” I whisper, the words from my dream still echoing.
“I’m right here, baby.” The words hold so much truth that I relax against him.
He strokes my hair, keeping my head nestled to his chest. He continues to rock me, reassuring me that I’m safe.
I can feel his heart hammering against my ear as he pulls me back to him.
His breathing is uneven, and there’s a tremor in his voice that tells me watching me go through this has shaken him too.
He wants to help, but this isn’t something he can control.
Tears pour down my face as my lips tremble. Emotions I’m not willing to suppress this time. “I couldn’t save you.” The words tumble from my mouth a second time.
“I’m right here baby,” he whispers again, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m right here with you.”
Everyone crowds the doorway watching this downward spiral. It’s VIP seats to my mental breakdown and how scared I truly am.
Great. Just what I needed—an audience.
Spencer signals to Evan and Maddie that he’s got this, and they can go.
They don’t baby me, they don’t pity me. They simply take the hint and head back to bed.
Abby, however, doesn’t take the hint. She stands there staring at Spencer’s arms around me, conflict on her face—part guilt over tonight’s disaster, part discomfort that Spencer is the one I’m turning to instead of her. She comes to my side to take over.
“I’ve got it from here, thanks. You can go back to bed,” she tells Spencer as she pries me away from him.
He doesn’t fight it. I can see in his eyes he doesn’t like the idea of leaving me, but he doesn’t want to risk upsetting anyone or overstepping.
So, like the white knight he is, he gets up and makes his way to the door.
Just as he’s about to cross the threshold, his name escapes my lips, pained and faint, but loud enough for him to hear.
“Spence?”
He stops in his tracks. “Please don’t go. Stay with me?”
The slight curve of his smile gives his whole heart away, showing how those words mean the world to him. Fear is still evident, but it’s suppressed, allowing me to realize that pushing him away in the past was by far one of my biggest mistakes. It feels good to let him in.
Abby’s face twists in shock and anger at my obvious choice to be with Spencer instead of her. She releases her hold on me as he settles on the bed by my side. I know I’ll hear all about it in the morning, but for now . . . I don’t care.
He wraps his arms around me, squeezing me into his chest, and I’m right where I belong.
I take my hands and tighten his grip on me.
No words are exchanged, just the quiet swishing of the fan overhead providing a soothing white noise.
His warm embrace like a soft blanket, the exact thing I need as it anchors me back to home.
He remains with his arms encasing me as he sleeps peacefully by my side, a quiet declaration of his love.
Like a magical shield, he blocks the terrors that typically haunt my sleep.
Next to him, I’m able to finally rest and just like the last time, my dreams are mine, and only mine.
They don’t become hostages of my past. Instead, they remain open to what will hopefully be a bright future, even if it is tinged with the bittersweet absence of Cody.
Maybe instead it’s a future with someone else who loves me just as much.